Been going out with DP for 2ish years. After 6 months, I was in love. I thought he was too but he is quite contained and looking back I don't think he had that depth of feeling that I did at that time.
He then suffered a medley of very bad luck. His brother died, he developed ME and he was made redundant. He couldn't afford the rent on his place. I stepped up and He came to live with me and I nursed him and took care of him. Gradually he became better. It was unclear whether the diagnosis was accurate or whether his illness was in fact a product of depression sparked off by his younger brother dying (and him nursing him through the final six months). My DSIs committd suicide last year. My job was also going very very badly (bullying at work etc).
This last year, it's been tough. Unspeakably tough. It's just so difficult trying to help someone you love who is faced with such challenges. He was down because of his illness, and almost incapacitated. Our sex life obviously suffered. I was frustrated and depressed and angry with my own situation but also with the effects on our relationship. but realised that I had to put his to one side for the time being. It had been great before. But He could be unkind. He was needy. There were arguments. I felt off kilter. I was at times a bitch. I felt needy. I thought things weren't quite right but I had a gut feeling that they could be. The were also moments of intense kindness and love and intimacy.
I. Short it's been a roller coaster.
I've always had that faith in him and us.
Anyway, we decided to move as he found a new Job opportunity in another part of the UK, where his family were from. I too found a job there, incredibly lucky as opportunities in my field are rare, and this is a step up from what I am doing currently.
He moved there about 2 months ago, while I got things ready in my flat so I could rent it out.
I went to see him this weekend for the first time in 6 weeks. I haven't been able to find time before this and he was in a similar position. I knew things had been very very tough this last year, but I felt this was a fresh start. A chance at renewed happiness.
He told me yesterday that he doesn't think I should move in with him. He feels that the relationship didn't grow naturally from the point I was nursing him as he felt in a way obligated to get very serious as a result of his circumstances. Although I helped pull him through this difficult time, it also damaged our relationship quite significantly. The love was lost in a way and didn't grow as naturally as it should. The sex was non existent and when it started again had lost its passion and hasn't regained it. I felt this too but felt things could perhaps be recalibrated by our move and improved health.
he said he didn't know whether he loved me enough. That life had got in the way of his feelings and our relationship and although we had both been strong it had inevitably damaged it. He comes froma very damaged home and I feel can look at things out of fear rather than fro an optimistic viewpoint,
I was optimistic about the future but knew that if it didn't work then fine. I would move on. I had a sort of rough timeline in my head. I was willing to do the move. It made sense from a career point of view too. But I could come back if things didn't work out.
I have had a very, very, very hard life. DP knows about this and felt extremely guilty for letting me down. He explained that the thoughts only just crystallised. That he knew something was wrong but didn't quite know what and didn't know what to say, We talked and talked last night and figured out what the problems were.
I have handed in my notice at work, so really am kind of stuck now as my new job is in the new place and I need the salary.
After talking very deeply for a number of hours, DP said that he thought that I should still come, rent a room with a friend and we could start from scratch. Date again. Get to know each other in the most natural way possible. Start from square one. He did wonder whether we could do this as there is so much water under the bridge.
When I left him at the airport today, I said I would have to think about it carefully. that I loved him, but this was a blow. That I understood what he was saying and agreed but didn't know whether I was strong enough to live apart and grow things from square one. I said I might just rent the flat out and go abroad. Use this as a natural end to us and start again. Afresh. Life has been so very tough. Where I live now is associated with so much pain. I just want to get away and was very much in that mindset. Perhaps I should just go anyway, but someplace else.
He said that he thinks I should come but should have no expectations about us. That I should do it for myself. Get myself strong again and focus on my own life which has been lacking this last year caring for him.
I just don't know whether I can do that. Meet all new friends and see him again. Keep cool and just let things grow naturally.
Ladies, do I move on or do I go and see what happens. My gut feeling says go. But my strength from this last year has all gone. I love him. I will always love him.but perhaps this is the end, If I stay I need to start finding a new job her asap.
It just makes me so sad. Why me. Why now. I just want to be happy.