Ex is being nice...Can I trust him?

[tammybear]

Some of you may know the deal with my ex, but here it is again. He lives 3 hours away in Derbyshire, whilst Im in Watford. He comes to see dd every 3 weeks at mine, and is wanting to have her at his house for a weekend or something. Im learning to trust him, but we've never got on so it makes it that much harder.

All of a sudden, he's being nice towards me, and it makes me feel uneasy. I think maybe he might just be being nice so he can try and see dd more, but I don't know.

What do the other mumnetters think? Am I just being silly?

Hi, tb- I don't know much of your back ground (having recently discovered mumsnet in my moments of grief over my dh recent affair)but as a mum of 3 I'd say trust your instincts. You know this man more than anyone else and we are talking about him dealing with the most precious person in you life your dd. I don't think you are being silly I think you are right and natutral to be cautious and synical of his obvious change of mood. Make sure you set the rules about him seeing your dd. I don't know what hurt he's caused you but he has left you with dd and he can come and go as he pleases so you make sure you set the ground rules- trust your instincts!

Hi tammybear. It sounds like he has realised that being civil to you means he might see your dd more. Is there any reason for you not to trust that his intentions are good? Obviously you have history together. What is it you think he might do with your dd? Do you need to like/trust him for him to see more of your dd?

Not experienced with this, would hate it if my ds was away from me for a weekend. I suppose the only way to look at it is that you will have some time alone to go out and pamper yourself and get a break!
You are not being silly - you are in a complicated position.

I dont trust him due to things that have happened between us, but im tryin to rebuild it for dd's sake, and it is actually quite difficult. But I do trust him with dd, and dont think hell do anything to her. I think Im contradicting myself there, or maybe Im just not making sense!

I would like him to see more of dd before she is at his house as he doesnt know her little ways and routine. She is only 16 months, and Ive been away from her twice, and worried sick the whole time!

Ahh my suspicisions were right. Ex just asked if he could have dd in 2 weeks time. When we had discussed him having her, I had said I wanted him to spend some more time with her to get use to her routine, habits, etc. I was thinking of him having her for a weekend in June, not in two weeks time. I want him to have her more etc but I dont feel comfortable with the fact that he doesnt know the routine etc. Am I just over reacting?

Tbh, I think 16months is too young to spend a weekend away from her mum, especially with someone she doesn't know that well (if he doesn't know her routines, etc., then chances are she doesn't know him that well). What has happened when he has seen her before? Has it always been with you present? Or has he taken her out and brought her back at the time agreed?

Freckle - when he has seen her before, it was only for a few hours. The last time he came, dd didnt even acknowledge him, which I felt a bit bad about. He has taken her out for an hour, and would bring her back when we said.

Beetroot - we were together, but I broke up with him when dd was 8 months, so I dont think she has really noticed any changes. I have suggested him staying here, well at my mums as she has a spare room, but he said that he'd find it too uncomfortable. But I said if he wanted to see dd so much, it wouldnt be a problem.

Ive told him Id think about it, but I am not over keen. He wants to have her at his house so he can show her off to his family and friends, which is understandable. He thinks he's ready to have her, but I dont.

It's not whether he is ready to have her but whether she will cope away from you, away from all she knows, away from her routines and with lots of people she doesnt know is strange surroundingd.
I think this needs t be built up slowly, getting her used to him more and more, than overnights maybe even at yours so she is used to him, then days at his and so on and so on.Kids arent like a new car to be shown off. Go wih what you think is best as you know her best not with what he wants.

A couple of months ago, before he moved back home, he took dd to his house, but my mum was not too far away. He said that she was fine when she was there, but I was worried sick the whole time

But I know if I say no, I dont want you to have her, hes going to start going off on one, and probably turn around and start going on about he wants parental responsibility. He always throws that in my face when he doesnt get his way, but he never does anything about it.

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Well since I broke up with him, he's been really nasty towards me, sending me horrible texts and always starting an arguement with me, even if dd is in the room. Not trusting him was one of the main reasons I split up with him in the first place.

I do want to be able to let dd go to his house, so it works out best for all of us. Dd spends time with her dad, ex spends time with his daughter, and I have time to myself. But he wants to rush into things even though I told him Id feel more comfortable if he got use to her more. I was thinking more June where as he's thinking in 2 weeks time.

Lol I think Ive just repeated stuff Ive already said. Oh well!

I do trust him taking dd out when he comes here to see her, but I think it's the thought of dd being with ex's family 3 hours drive away that makes things a little bit worse. Or am I just sounding like Im overreacting and being too protective over dd?

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I trust him with dd. I just didnt trust his change of mood. As he's usually screaming his head off at me, he was suddenly being nice to me last night, and asking how life is etc. Just made me feel really uncomfortable lol

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Really? Men are a bit dim though. Never seem to have any common sense! Just barricade the door!

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My ex is like that, do anything to annoy me

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mum seems to think that i shud let him have dd as it'll give him an eye opened to how she really is. she thinks that if theyre willing to have her for the weekend without being organised or prepared, then i ought to agree and just see what happens. but im worried about how dd will be as shes not too use to seeing ex and his family

has my mum gone a bit mad? or is she making sense?

If it were a question of his taking her to his house overnight only a few miles away, I might be tempted to give it a go. Then if dd throws a screaming fit because she wants her mum, it's easy to resolve. However, you've said he lives 3 hours away and she is only 16 months. I personally would want to wait until she was about 3-4 before letting her go away for any length of time, particularly as he really doesn't know her and she seems not to know him at all. My nearly 6 year old still comes looking for me in the night and I can't yet contemplate letting him stay at my parents (whom I trust implicitly and who only live 30 mins away).

I would want a much longer getting-to-know-each-other period before letting her go any distance with him. If she wakes during the night and wants you, what trauma is that going to be for her? And no way of getting to you in a reasonable amount of time.

I wouldn't let threats of going for parental responsibility worry you. It has no effect on contact so it wouldn't give him any greater rights to insist on having her overnight.

How are his family about her? Do they send presents and cards? Have they sought to see her in the past? How about them coming down for a day to meet her first before throwing her into the lions' den?

Her family are okay with her, but they treat her like a little baby. That really annoys me. They've opened up a savings account for dd, although Ive already got her one, and have brought her clothes. But usually when they say that they'll buy her something they dont. They wanted to come down at Easter weekend, but they gave me a couple of hours notice, and I had plans, so they started saying they have rights and will go to the solicitor etc. They just couldnt seem to understand that I had plans, and werent going to give them up just because of them.

Oops I meant his family lol

Are you satisfied that, once he has her in his house, he won't be tempted to keep her and seek a residence order on the basis that he has his family around him and can provide a better environment for her?

I don't want to panic you, but the distance would be a problem for me. She is still very young and children of this age want and need their mums. If she suddenly became unhappy and started wanting you, it's an awfully long time for her to have to wait to see you.

I dont think he would do that, as he has said that he thinks dd is happy where she is, plus he doesnt have parental responsibility over her, so he wouldnt be able to do that, or would he?

I havent heard from him since he asked, which I know was only a few days ago, but if he hasnt got in contact with me by mid week then Im going to definetly say no because he hasnt told me what he has planned or anything. But even if he does, I think Ill still say no anyway.

I do think that dd is too young to be going all the way up there, and me and my mum have noticed she is quite clingy with me at the moment, which makes me worry about how she will be when away from me next. DD's quite happy with my mum, as she sees her nearly every day, but Im not sure if she realises who ex is.