Hi,
I have been through a very strange 12 months. My original post is here
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a2091699-Have-we-reached-an-impasse
I'm posting under a new name because I have forgotten the login for the last one! And I changed the settings on my email account to delete emails from Mumsnet as I thought that (although helpful) I was perhaps relying too much of the (good and helpful) opinion of Mumsnetters...and had to go figure it out for myself.
So. What happened. To recap, I was mired in a 16 year old relationship (from age 22) which had been turning increasingly sour. Despite two lovely wonderful children, my partner was picky, grumpy and the atmosphere was getting worse including some bullying of the kids. He did not seem to want to have sex anymore.
He did not believe (admit) there was any thing wrong. I was worried I was making a bit deal out of nothing but had a deep feeling of unease and unhappiness. We were both busy professionals working full-time and I thought maybe the work-life balance was all wrong, maybe I was too picky?
We saw a marriage counsellor, who thought my partner had some deep underlying problem such as childhood abuse or confused sexuality. The summary of this experience was that I had to do some close self-examination and decide alone what was the best way forward (as partner said all was OK by his standards). But could I break-up my family over 'nothing'...or at least nothing concrete. For the next 8 months I examined my behaviour and out life together carefully. I had found through this time patterns- and names for his behaviour. Emotional bullying, controlling behaviour, gaslighting. All very very subtle but constant and undermining. It had slowly slowly gotten worse over 16 years to the point where it was simply not bearable. Just the once he had been rough sexually with me, which had precipitated my move to the spare room in confusion.
Conclusion- I decided my priorities. We had to separate- the kids happiness, my happiness was paramount, although that would mean moving out of the family home. At this point we'd been in separate bedrooms for a year.
Suddenly the dark gloomy persona of my partner lifted. He asked me to marry him (a long bone of contention in our relationship- I'd always thought marriage was really important, he always said 'why? When we are as committed as a married couple'). He was happy, helpful, engaged as a partner (still no sex though). It seemed to me, so sudden. I didn't trust it but it made me stop and reassess everything again.
A month later, I had an awful birthday. I'm really not the person who makes a big deal of my birthday but again something seemed amiss and there was a general lack of interest. In a grump myself, I checked my partners phone. And found...
That he'd been having an affair with his junior (female) staff member for the last 4 years.
It's a total cliché...but I never thought he'd do that! And...she conforms to his previous type. Big lass, bad skin, cross-stitch to fill her empty evening hours. She's been 'single' for years. They travel for work together a lot. He says it wasn't serious but has broken off with her now 'because she wanted kids' (!!!). I've known her for years (and bizarrely quite liked her). I have apparently never been right for him (his words). He didn't tell me the truth even when I found their texts (they'd been shagging on my birthday), so got the story from her. He says 'he's a moral person really' (???).
Anyway to summarise the last 2 months- 2 weeks of utter relief THAT I WASN'T CRAZY! 1 month of off/on RAGE. I got a massive mortgage and have bought his 50% of our flat (he's moved back to his 'other flat'- the one I don't own because we're not married). I have the kids 80% of the time. He moved out at Easter, I repainted and totally overhauled the flat making it super lovely for our boys. I am NICE to him, as I think this is important for the boys. But I have also told anyone interested exactly what the situation is- he has given the impression he's been kicked out for a minor indiscretion (which I think he truly thinks is true...!!). Others feel so betrayed by him when they find out what they've been 'supportive' of.
I am 39, have 2 kids, flat, career and I'm starting my life FREE. It's fabulous!