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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How long will it take to get over this?

6 replies

Annie34 · 12/05/2015 14:56

Found out 5 weeks ago today that my DH was having an affair with someone who lives over 2 hours away (he met her through work). We've been together for nearly 10 years and married for nearly 7. Have two DD's (the eldest is from my first marriage) Basically the story is he went away on a work conference at the beginning of January for 3 nights. I saw a pic of him on Facebook with a woman who had her arms around him (not OW) and I text him just asking "who is that woman draped all over you??" he didn't text me back for ages and then just said it was so and so and didn't I think he looked uncomfortable? I suppose he did look a bit uncomfortable. Anyway I could tell there was something not right after that so on the Friday when he was due to come home I texted him in the morning and said basically that I felt there was something not right and he then text me back saying that he didn't know if he felt the same way about me anymore and he needed space and then switched his phone off! Needless to say I was utterly shocked! I tried ringing him but it kept going to his voicemail. Anyway he came back that night and said that he wanted to go and stay with his mum and dad for a while. He went the next day. I was devastated. Anyway we spoke about it and he said that we hadn't been getting on and I didn't show him much affection (I didn't I suppose but I work fulltime and have 2 kids plus we are living in a small bungalow so things had just got on top of me). He also said that he was upset after we'd been away for our anniversary back in August because we didn't have sex! I said to him that it was nothing to do with him it was because I was feeling a bit low about myself and why didn't he talk to me about it at the time?? Anyway he said we would try a trial separation but he was still coming round to see the kids BUT he would be all over me as well and because I wanted to show him I wanted him I gave in hoping that he would see sense and come home so we were still having sex. Anyway I had this nagging feeling that there was definitely someone else so 5 weeks ago I logged onto his emails and found an email confirmation for a hotel booking made the night after his birthday back in March which he had forwarded on to her. I was absolutely heartbroken. I emailed her to tell her that he had also been having sex with me (he had even had sex with me and her on the same day on one occasion!!) when I confronted him he knew that I would not take him back and proceeded to tell me that he liked the OW and he had feelings for her and she makes him happy. They are still together. She is also married but separated - I don't know if she finished with her DH for mine or not.

The thing is even after all this I still feel really down about it and miss him! Which is ridiculous!! I just wanted to hear from people who have been through a similar thing and help me take my mind off thinking about him and her together!! Luckily as they don't live near each other they only see each other every other weekend when DH doesn't have DD's but I am thinking about it all the time when I know he's with her Sad

OP posts:
confusedoflondon · 12/05/2015 16:44

You poor thing this must be very raw indeed. No advice I'm sorry but just thinking of your situation, I hope someone comes along on here who knows what to say that can help soothe it a little .

Sickoffrozen · 12/05/2015 16:50

Took me about 6 months.

Witchofthenorth · 12/05/2015 16:56

It took me a long time. I found emails after feeling in my gut something wasn't right and we discussed a trial separation. I found the emails after the discussion about separating and lo and behold he loves her blah blah blah!!

I was devastated and hurt a lot for months. I still feel awful, but these days it's more anger and bitterness. And im 2 years down the line.
This is all still very raw for you and you need to grieve. Be kind to yourself Flowers

bjrce · 12/05/2015 21:14

Annie,

I am so sorry, you are in a very difficult place. Do you speak to him at all now.
Does he try to engage with you or is it just to organise the DDs for the weekends.
Has he shown any remorse for what he's done.

All of this must be devastating for you.

Do you feel you could take him back or is it over, once you know the answer to this, you might gain a little strength and focus on whats better for you in the long run.

Annie34 · 12/05/2015 21:24

It is definitely over, divorce is underway. He is still seeing her and I don't think he wants to give the marriage another go. I don't think I could forgive him anyway, I can't forgive the deceit of it all. He has shown some remorse. He said he had convinced himself I didn't want him anymore and he regrets not speaking to me about it instead of jumping into bed with someone else. We do speak but only about the DDs.

OP posts:
bjrce · 12/05/2015 22:08

Its all still very early days for you.

You are probably still in shock and only starting to come to terms with what has happened in the last few days.

How are your DC coping, are they aware that their dad has left.

Does he know/understand how much he has hurt you.
Do you have any family/close friends you can spend time with. Its always good to be able to actually talk to someone who is aware of your situation.

It is normal to feel so feel the way you do right now, the sense of betrayal and hurt is awful.

All you can do is be kind to yourself, try not to think about him and what he's doing all the time, it will only hurt you.

Be good to yourself and know that you won't always feel as you do now. Just give yourself some time.

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