DH Frustration

[oliviasmith]

I feel so frustrated and angry in turn with my DH. He has (and it's getting worse) a real attitude problem towards anyone or anything that he feels is trying to direct him. Bullet points for brevity:-

1. speed limits, road law - all put in place just to thwart him. He "knows when he is safe" and he "drives to the road conditions" (both direct quotes)

2. He assumes everything will just happen when he wants it to. For example, he's going to be late getting his motorcycle MOT'd because he leaves organising stuff like this to the last minute and just assumes the garage will be able to fit him in. They always have a full workbook and he knows this. Garage is 12 miles away and to get motorcycle MOT'd needs input from me to follow him in the car, take him to work 16 miles in the opposite direction, then reverse the process at the end of the day. I don't mind doing this and I don't work due to health issues, but I do have a life and stuff to do so I would appreciate some empathy with that (though it's true to say that empathy is not in his psyche as a rule. I always have to explain in detail why I am upset by him whatever the cause)

3. Doesn't listen. I will start speaking to him, he will listen to the first sentence or two then just assumes he knows where I'm going with the conversation, so switches off then wonders why I get upset and frustrated that he hasn't got a clue what it is I have been discussing. EG this morning when I was talking to him about a trip we have planned with our grown up DC, including the date we were leaving, he nodded, looked me straight in the eye so appeared to be taking everything in, then when I stopped speaking said well in that case I can get my bike done on the 5th....the exact day I had just been discussing as the start of our trip. I wanted to hit him I was so frustrated. He couldn't even see why I was cross.

4. He is passive aggresive. Doesn't disagree with me outright, but will ask me if I'm sure that's what I want if he wants something different. Will agree to do things in the house/garden, but then procrastinates for ages or just outright forgets (he says) then gets irritated if I keep asking him to do whatever it is.

I know in the grand scheme of things this doesn't sound like much, and I know lots of mumsnetters have a lot more to worry about than this, but it is seriously starting to impact on our relationship. I know he is stressed at work and am trying to make allowances for that, but he has always been like this and is getting worse, so I don't really know how much impact his job is having on his behaviour. I have actually asked him this question and he says that it isn't work stress as such rather that he has a problem with having to work to anyone elses agenda and the older he gets the more he wants to feel he has autonomy over his life.

I don't really know what I'm asking, just trying to see if writing it down and getting some opinions from a third party wouold help me cope a bit better because he says he can't change the way he is, and I feel I can't live like this much longer.

That sounds very tiring on a day to day level. It is not true that he cannot change, he can choose to listen to you when you talk and he can choose to obey the laws of the road. He is showing not a love of autonomy, but a lack of respect for those around him.

I would sit him down (or maybe not since he does not listen). I would write him a letter, outlining how you feel he does not show you the respect you deserve, and let him know in no uncertain terms that this is not the future you see for yourself, so either he has to figure out a way of curbing some of his behaviours that you just cannot live with, or he wont be living with you.

Well, on the basis of what you've written here, he sounds selfish, entitled, arrogant and a bit stupid, tbh! He doesn't seem to be engaged with you and your life, but has some inner dialogue running relentlessly in which he's the clever one and everyone else is a bit dim.

Does he actually have autonomy in other areas of his life?

As far as the driving's concerned, it's inevitable that eventually he'll get fined and maybe have an accident. I would quite calmly buy good life assurance on his life, on the basis that it's inevitable he'll have a crash and you want to be covered. I'd also make sure you have equal amounts of spending money and his fines are taken out of his spending money.

I can understand why you are so frustrated!

he has always been like this and is getting worse

Got to be honest, this doesn't sound very hopeful.

Would he consider counselling, or would that require too much effort?

he has a problem with having to work to anyone elses agenda and the older he gets the more he wants to feel he has autonomy over his life.

I have some sympathy for this viewpoint as I prefer being self-employed (except at tax time, haha) but what has he done to change his situation? Has he considered re-training, starting his own business, trying to move up the ladder so he's more self-directed? I mean it's all very well to have a whinge about work, but ultimately if it's making him unhappy then he needs to pull his finger out and do something about it.

He sounds very frustrating to live with and I don't blame you for getting angry with him. I can't stand not being listened to in particular!

OliviaSmith - are you my MIL?!

So much of this sounds like my FIL. The 'road conditions' one especially!
That one is simple. If you are in the car with him, you drive. (Unless you can't of course)

I think you are talking too much to him. In some ways, if you keep expecting him to listen and he never does, then why are you banging your head on a brick wall?! I am horrible at hearing instructions sometimes - so my DH writes everything down on the calendar. If I have to query some date he just says "look on the calendar". There is no arguing with that.

Make a list of what he 'needs' to do around the house, in your eyes. Leave it in a prominent place. If things aren't done well, such as the MOT - stop bailing him out! Like a toddler, if we continue to cushion the results of procrastination/poor organisation then we never learn to do it properly. If you have to be elsewhere when he desperately needs help but didn't organise things till the last minute, just continue with your plans.

BTW - my response is tinkering around the edges of the problem, your DH does sound pretty hard work and you have to figure out whether it's worth continuing with things the way they are or whether he needs (as suggested) counselling or a serious talking to.
He sounds very much like my FIL (who is a lovely man) and my MIL has learnt to 'handle' him. It's up to you whether you think he is worth 'handling' or whether you need to go to a more nuclear option.

If you can't live with it and he refuses to change your only option is to leave?

He sounds bloody awful quite frankly.

Thank you for not telling me I'm being unreasonable. I'm not saying I'm perfect - far from it. And sometimes I feel it is a chicken and egg situation....do I lose my temper because of how he is or is he made worse because I lose my temper? If an outsider was looking in they would probably feel most of the rows we have are my fault because I nearly always shout first, but that's because I feel like it's the only way to make him listen.

I feel he often shuts me out - it is like he is in a glass box with me standing outside beating my hands against the glass trying to get his attention. That sounds a bit dramatic but I can't think how else to put it.

He is 55 and not interested in climbing the ladder at work or the worry of working for himself. His father (and mine) retired when they were 58 and he often says he wishes we had enough money for him to do that. He would like a less stressful job but not at the expense of earning less and having to give up his motorcycles (his pride and joy) or having less holiday entitlement (he has a good deal with holidays in his current job) He has looked at other types of jobs such as retail but we know people who work in that arena and he isn't willing to be in the same boat that our friends are where they don't ever know what shift they are working much in advance or aren't allowed to book holidays to suit them only their employer.

He doesn't think we need counselling (I have suggested it in the past) and doesn't see why I get upset when he doesn't listen. By the way - the not listening isn't just confined to when we are talking about things that need doing, he often just shuts down when I am talking to him about my day or the DC's....welll anything really. It makes me feel boring and insignificant and I have told him this, but he just says it's not the case and that he can't help it.

Thank you for reading. It is so nice to be able to get this off my chest as I have no one in real life that I could talk to about this. I do love him and I can't bear the thought of life on my own without him, but I need things to change and I don;t know how to make that happen.

Oh Olivia, that sounds pretty lonely.

Can I ask, when do you try talking to him the most? I only ask because when I used to finish work the last thing I wanted was to listen to my DP chattering on about the ins and outs of their day. I just wanted time to decompress.
But later on, I would be ok.
Is he always blanking you out? DOes he know it's frustrating you?

Why do you not have anyone IRL who you can share this with? Is it that your DH is your only source of conversation and confident as well?

Him saying he does not see why you are upset when he does not listen, is just odd. If you started to just ignore him, would he not be unimpressed too?

Hopefully he feels the same as you - he loves you and does not want to be in a future without you - could you use this as leverage to get him to agree to counselling?

You said you cannot go on like this, so tell him that, its not "shall we go" its "if we don't go, I don't think we will last".

I have no one else to talk to because my family are not supportive. If I dared show them there was a chink in my relationship with my DH they would take full advantage of it to make me feel bad about myself. This has been the pattern all my life. If I take that risk and we manage to stay together and find a way through I will have handed them a weapon to use for ever more. I do have a few friends, but not close ones that I could discuss this with.

I tend not to talk to him much when he first gets home, since the DC have left home we tend to watch TV with dinner. We always sat at the table and had family time when the DC were growing up - right until they left home, but I thought watching the news or something mindless would give him a chance to wind down now it's just us and he seems to like things that way, so any talking is done later in the evening when dinner is eaten and cleared away.

I have told him over and over again how bad it makes me feel when he shuts me out but he either denies he's doing it or says I am over exagerating

Oh, Olivia, I sympathize. It's so strange the way in which specific personality disorders manifest themselves similarly in life (freakishly similar!)
No, you're not being overly anything you're dealing with someone with a desire to avoid the demands of others on his time and life, unless the demand is of direct benefit to his life and status. This refusal to fulfill other's expectations is ingrained, entrenched, and almost at the unconscious level. It will probably get worse and counseling may be treated with the same disdain as the speed limit signs. There seems to be some kind of weird internal satisfaction/feeling of reward going on. It may even escalate into self-sabotage or "innocently" sabotaging important family events by refusing to arrive on time over and over regardless of advice, help, schedules or in some other "innocent" (who can ever anticipate the method?!?) manner. It's based on a belief or feeling that the "presumptions" of others is a type of attack on the core being. All I can suggest is that you try to build a mental and emotional and creative life that is separate from his if you remain together. Try to view him as you might a really cognitively flawed person. Perhaps he is not as seriously set in this disorder as I've described above. Best of luck! My thoughts are with you.