Sad miserable marriage

[Doingakatereddy]

Been with DH for 8-9 years, married for 6 of those and it's never been an easy marriage.

We have been for two lots of relationship counselling which briefly improves things but at the moment things are pretty awful.

Last weekends argument alcohol fuelled was full of him ranting that in a horrible person, I'm fucked up blah blah. The weekend before was all about him been so hungover he couldn't do anything with us as a family (again)

It sounds so silly, but I looked at camping stuff in supermarket today & realised that unless I left DH the kids would never go camping as he has no intention of ever getting of his arse to help plan / do something.

We don't have sex any more, we are barely affectionate, we just don't share dreams or aspirations.

It's awful, but I wish he'd just have an affair to give me the excuse to end this painful nothingness.

I suspect that as I'm a SAHM at the moment I should get a job, save some money so I can get my own house and put up with this for a while. I'm just so despondent & whenever I try to talk to people in real life they get all uncomfortable.

We have 2 DC's. A house. 2 cars and few Debts

Is he a problem drinker?

Why do you think the improvements post-counselling never held? Does this demonstrate that it is therefore time to throw in the towel?

And finally, you don't need an excuse to leave. You can choose to end a relationship because it no longer suits you: your happiness is sufficiently important.

And you don't need to "put up with it for a while": SAHMs divorce all the time, and they and their kids do not want. We have a legal system in place for that.

Your plan to look for work is a good one but also in the meantime you can claim benefits if you really wanted out of the relationship.

Is the house owned or rented?

I suspect that as I'm a SAHM at the moment I should get a job, save some money so I can get my own house and put up with this for a while.

Assuming you've got appropriate childcare that will allow you to work, I'd agree, if you can stand it for a while. I'm basing that on the likelihood of your H being a passive-aggressive arse and refusing to move out. If you jointly own your home, I'd get out first and then seek a sale during the divorce.

It does sound like your marriage is over. You don't need the "excuse" of an affair to leave - if it's not making you both happy, then it's not right. After two lots of counselling, nobody could say you hadn't tried.

Lifes too short for you to be sad and miserable. You need to get out of this as soon as possible and not 'put up with it'. There's lots of help available for you. You just need to take advantage of it. If I was as unhappy as you seem, there would nothing making me stay.

You can stay and be miserable. You can try to change things and stay. or you can call time, and go.

You ve tried the first two options. I ve done all three. The last of my three options possibly wasn't the easiest at the time, but life is too short to be miserable. It all worked out fine in the end, even if it was uncomfortable to start with. I am truly much happier now.

Life is precious. Both yours and your DC. You deserve to be happy.

House is in DH's name although we have both contributed to mortgage for many years. Hell would freeze before he left & he will make my life a misery of we split (has threatened to take my kids away before)

His drinking is constant, 4-6 units daily & 20+ on a special night. For years he had failed to do family stuff because of booze.

Over past few weekend he swore at kids, pushed my son and drove home drunk.

Believe it or not, I think he's a nice guy but I drive him to be mean.

I remember the night before we married wanting to run. Wish I had

He might be a nice guy, but you dont drive him to be mean, its a choice he makes for himself.

You don't need him to have an affair - you can end the relationship any time you want. And if you are married it does not matter a jot whose name the house is in.

Pushing your son and drunk driving - he sounds a prince. I hope you told the police. I would recommend Women's Aid too.

Highly unlikely he'd be able to take your kids away if he's not the primary carer. And if you're married and the primary carer the courts would likely treat you fairly.
Sounds like a serious issue with drink - can you report him next time he drives drunk ? It's possible the police would be too busy to attend but you never know.

So you live your life through his, this is one of the saddest posts I have read, please think of your happiness and your children, he can't make you do anything, you have a choice, use it, Women's Aid will help you flee, he's full of shit, he'll be probably too drunk to stop you doing anything.

You don't drive him to be mean. You don't force the alchohol down his throat. He does not sound like a nice guy to me.

Oh, pfff. They all promise to make your life a misery if you leave, and to take the kids away from you.

The truth is they're too entitled to actually take care of children, and don't actually want residency: all they want is something to threaten you with.

Let him bluster, and make your preparations for a split anyway. You've got the law on your side: it won't give him everything on a plate just because he thinks he's entitled to it. The law is neutral and will split things according to what the law mandates. That's it. It's brilliantly peaceful that way.

I remember the night before we married wanting to run. Wish I had

You can still run now.

Get out. Life's too short for this misery.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You can indeed still run now.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not.

Is this model of a relationship really any sort of one that they should be learning from?. We after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.

His threats are empty ones; many abusive men threaten never to leave and or take the children off the mother. He knows what will hurt you the most and will push your buttons, that is why he says such things. Its all bluster on his part.

You've enabled him, his drinking and this situation long enough at great cost to yourself and your children. Time to start living again.

Seek legal advice asap if you have not done so already and make firm plans to leave this man.

Thank you all, your honest replies give me strength. I've never been much for soft soaping & don't have any family to turn to that can give me sense

I talked about a plan to leave last year but gave it another chance, my life has sadly been pretty hard but I always had hope & my faith.

Now I feel like hope is gone or at least 16+ years away when my DC are grown. I get such strong judgement from people of faith that divorce is wrong.

He is a 'nice guy'. People like him a lot more than they like me & no one will be surprised if we divorce. I just wish it didn't have to be this way for the kids