At last - first counselling session

[Joysmum]

Firstly a big thank you to all those women who have been brave enough to share their stories of rape in relationships since I've been a member.

Short version is that I was raped 26 years ago as a 15 year old. Denied to myself this was rape for a number of reasons. My mum was off work for stress, my dad was struggling with that and I didn't tell anyone. I had a meltdown when I started college the following year and so began a lifetime of 'almost' achieving because when things went well I'd ruin it for myself.

Joined mumsnet a couple of years ago and realised I couldn't deny it any longer. I fell apart last year and DH couldn't help. He knew about the rape as I'd told him a few years before as it'd affected our relationship but he didn't think I'd want to talk about. I knew it hurt him for him to think of me being hurt so I didn't gave the will to open the conversations. Mumsnet was the start of realising I had to do something.

I have binge eating disorder. It punishes me, the weight makes me invisible to male attention and buys me times of nothingness as during a binge I'm in zombie mode and remember nothing.

I'm a people pleaser and have spent my life trying to appease my guilt and make up for the fact I didn't report and self sabotage when life is going well. I know he's gone on to be selfish in subsequent relationships and emotionally crush a couple of people, although I don't know if he's raped again.

So after falling apart last year and running away, driving 400 miles from home to escape but not being able to escape myself, DH persuaded me to come home and took me to the doctor.

This was September last year and I've finally just got a letter confirming my first face to face appointment having been deemed medium risk in the phone consultations and assessments.

It's taken 8 months to finally happen! I'm ready. I can't keep on as I have been as its affected my family, I need to learn how to be me again. I'm daunted and frightened in case I can't handle talking about it but am ready to take that risk because I have hope. It's funny because having hope has now triggered the guilt again that I might have a better life. It's a bit of a mess really but something has to change.

If anyone's reading this who can relate to this, I hope you find your peace.

to those who got to the end.

Bloody good for you.

Take tissues.

Lots of tissues.

No one's looking, come here

Good for you. You sound ready, which is really going to help how effective the therapy is.

Go you.

Well done Joysmum. You've done brilliantly getting an appointment. Just get yourself there and let the therapist do their job. Try not to worry too much about talking. If you are a people pleaser, then try to think about the session as deciding whether the therapist is suitable for you. You don't need to please them! And ask them how the sessions will pan out, and perhaps ask them a few questions about their professional experience.

I'm sure loads tissues will be available at your session. I understand self-sabotage a little bit and it can be disabling. Remember you don't have to attempt to solve everything at once. You can make manageable small steps. If you have a good therapist they will be very careful with you, so don't worry that letting it all out will become uncontrollable. Crying is totally fine. Hope it goes well. And well done again.

Not much to say but well done you and