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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Driving myself crazy still!

15 replies

golfwidow53 · 12/05/2015 11:17

To cut it short, I found out about my DHs affair 2 years ago, I was contacted by the OW a year after it ended. Since then I have discovered another fling he had just before that and was also given another name by OW of a 3rd woman! I have spoken to her & she strongly denies it!
Part of me still wants to know where the OW gets her info or if it's just done to hurt me! Also if there was a 3rd would I take that as the final straw. We have had counselling and I am on ADs which have helped us get through this. My DH has promised that there is nothing else for me to find out & is now getting fed-up with me still bringing it up!!

OP posts:
Whatamayday · 12/05/2015 11:20

So you're drawing the line at three but you're ok with one or two? Hmmm, and his reaction is, he's fed up?

Well you know the situation but I personally couldnt forgive.

LadyBlaBlah · 12/05/2015 11:25

I'm not sure I could get over this.

Why do you feel you have to?

Original poster
golfwidow53 · 12/05/2015 11:32

I suppose part of me wants to know if he is telling the truth! he has promised never to lie again and he realises what he could have lost and deeply regrets it, etc, etc! He has tried his utmost to make things up to me but I feel overshadowed still by what he did!

OP posts:
LadyBlaBlah · 12/05/2015 11:58

I would be assuming he is not telling the truth. That is what happens when someone lies to you so catastrophically - it destroys trust.

Him being 'fed up' is not him trying his utmost btw.

If the only way i could remain married to someone was by taking AD's, I'd hope someone pointed out to me the ludicrousness of it.

Golfwidow53 (this brings up images of sexist entitled overweight golfer who does what the hell he likes - and I presume is why you chose the name) - you don't have to stay. He doesn't deserve a second chance. Living in the midst of such drama is tiring and soul destroying.

He broke your marriage and there is no law saying you must fix it. In fact, adultery is a lawful recognition that the marriage broke.

Please don't keep torturing yourself. Your feelings are completely valid. Sometimes the line is crossed.

winkywinkola · 12/05/2015 12:01

I'm not surprised you feel the way you do.

Has he said why he had affairs?

What has he done to make amends?

What has he done to make things better between you?

What has he done to tell the ow to piss off? Why does she keep contacting you?

What do you want from him? He should be doing whatever you ask.

Original poster
golfwidow53 · 12/05/2015 12:19

The OW has not contacted me in a while now and has probably moved on to some other married man! he says he was flattered at the attention of a much younger woman, she is 18 years younger than me! I think she is a tramp, desperate for anyone as she is so vile!
I do wonder if he has had affairs before and got away with it, or is it my mind getting carried away again!
We do seem very happy now, i know he is, and our DS who is presently doing GCSEs.
I think i have always put DS first in everything and dont feel it fair that he should suffer for what his father has done to me! That is the main reason i have stayed with him i think.

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 12/05/2015 12:20

He is fed up because of a situation of his own making.
You are on Ads because of a situation of his making.

I wouldn't medicate myself just so I could forgive and forget. I would drop him and the Ads in the bin on the way out.

LadyBlaBlah · 12/05/2015 12:29

"We do seem very happy now, i know he is,"

What about YOU? You don't say I'm happy - do you see that?
And although you may put your son first, his dad certainly didn't.

Sorry but I think you are living a lie, and fearful of facing the truth. If you allow yourself to be truthful with how you actually feel, I'd put money on that it won't be love for this man.

I'm not sure what you are asking here OP?

Do you want us to pile in on the OWomen?

TokenGinger · 12/05/2015 12:43

OP, this thread has made me so sad to read.

You've been manipulated by a very sad situation. You blame a young woman and not the man who vowed to be with you.
You are medicating because of what he did to you.

I really feel for you.

Original poster
golfwidow53 · 12/05/2015 12:43

I was just wondering if anyone else who had stayed in the marriage after affairs still felt the need for more information or is it possible to pull down the shutter so to speak and just look forward?
What if i am contacted again by another woman in the future, i think i would rather know everything now! Does that make sense?

OP posts:
winkywinkola · 12/05/2015 12:50

It's so natural to want to know everything. Honesty is crucial.

The ow may be vile but so is your h. He is the one you have to live with.

What you want and need is so important and your h should be listening and doing accordingly.

LadyBlaBlah · 12/05/2015 13:47

That feeling you are describing in your last post is just the consequence of the trust being obliterated.
That's why people say trust is so important. It can literally make you ill if you have to be worrying where your partner is, if another woman is going to pop up, if he's going to leave you, imagining him with someone else.

Not everyone can come back from adultery. That's just the way it is. The medication may be an attempt to numb that out but that's not a long term substitution for facing the reality that you simply don't trust your h, and the marriage may have been broken beyond repair.
And that's ok.

Handywoman · 12/05/2015 14:16

Your need for information, OP means the trust is still gone - and understandably so. He destroyed that trust. No one else.

If your DH is 'fed up' then it suggests he feels he's 'done everything' to regain the trust, upon which the marriage is built.... Only it hasn't worked. And that's understandable too, although it's very sad.

I would suggest you find a good counsellor to start thinking about your own needs, not your ds, or your DH, but your own. And then see if you can find a better way forward for you.

Jan45 · 12/05/2015 16:56

Highly unlikely any of the women are lying, your husband is a prolific cheat and liar, yeah is all good just now until things get boring or stressful, he will do it again, sorry OP but you have given him three green lights now, he's sorry he got caught, not that he has hurt you over and over again, his needs are way above yours.

I bet all those women are just some of whom he has shat all over, he sounds absolutely vile.

Put yourself first for a change and give yourself the worth you deserve, not some sleaze bag who can't respect you or marriage.

As for putting yourself on ADs, not to get over it, to put up with him you mean, Christ, seriously........get rid, he won't stop, they never do.

magoria · 12/05/2015 17:16

You are not very happy now are you.

You still don't know the truth.

Rather than understanding he needs to tell you what ever you want over and over until you trust him again he is fed up.

And you are on ADs to control your depression.

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