Should I look or not?

[copperpots]

I just split up with an ex, who acted very strangely. I felt he was seeing someone else. I have a chance right now to look at his phone.

Should I do it?

I am sitting there feeling like it might be a good idea because seeing it with my own eyes and confirming suspicions would help me move on and stop taking him back / believing in him when I suspect he is not being honest.

On the other hand, if I look is it morally wrong? Also will it be worse to see it?

You don't completely like or respect this man, you have an on-off relationship with him, and you feel ill at ease about his commitment to you.

That's enough to end it, cut contact, walk away - phone or no phone. Everything you've described just sounds like unhealthy dynamics, with bonus misgivings.

Why can't you just make a clean break? Can you try to put in words what is holding you back? Cause it certainly isn't the joy and fulfilment that this relationship brings you...

You really don't have to be tech savvy to delete texts, emails (including from Trash), and your web history. I can do all those things, and no-one would describe me as a computer whizz.

I agree with Sad - he may have another phone.

or he may just enjoy messing with your head by behaving as he does. Or maybe he gets uncomfortable if a relationhsip goes too well and feels an urge to sabotage it.

Whatever it is, you don't feel right in the relationship so ending it and keeping it ended seems the best course of action

Of course it's wrong.

...But it wouldn't stop me.

Oh, I see you already did look. Degree in computer science or not though OP, it doesn't take a great mind to permanently delete information from a phone.

Either way, it's obviously not working so call it a day.

I think he actually deliberately does things which are suspicious and then says there's nothing going on.

On reflection, I think that's actually worse than playing away. Certainly signifies one hell of a headgamer. I'd drop this one back in the bin if I were you!

What he does is to be cagey in general. He withholds information about silly things that make it appear he's hiding something and then I flip out and it turns out he was actually hiding nothing. It's just behavior I have never come across that seems designed to create confusion in me. He actually is the jealous one, constantly thinks I'm shagging someone else (I'm not) and he has major issues with low self esteem and jealousy. I feel like he is testing me or something, trying to get a reaction? It's hard to explain. Why do I keep going back? I don't know. I just fancy the pants off him is probably the answer.

And I did just want to know anyway because it's been eating me up for weeks. I am glad I looked. It was wrong, but he created the distrust deliberately so I don;t actually feel guilty although I thought I would!

I snooped on my XH's phone several times over the years. Each time I found nothing I felt a mixture of regret about not trusting him and nagging suspicion that wouldn't go away. Eventually I caught him and it turned out he'd been having a six year affair. Trust your gut. Any fool can delete messages or keep another phone hidden.

he created the distrust deliberately
Do you think he is messing with your head on purpose!? I couldn't be with someone who did that to me.

He sound extremely manipulative - is he really worth it?

Yes, I think he is testing me to see if I will leave him. I think he thinks he's not good enough, so he does this. It is extremely manipulative.

I wouldn't go back anyway even if his phone is clear

that proves absolutely nothing

dump him because of how he makes you feel. ..paranoid, crazy and out of control

not healthy

OP, there was a lady on here a while ago whose dh had extreme problems with lying. To the point he faked a terminal illness and convinced everyone. She said felt some similar things to you at the beginning of the relationship, that feeling of distrust, something not right. He obviously had MH issues, but refused to deal with them. I would get out now before you have kids, and look back in 10 years thinking, what have I done?

It is extremely HATFEUL! It's ALL the reason I would need, to want that person out of my life.

Most folk have enough brain cells to delete any evidence, esp if he already knows you are suspicious, and as for his jealousy, again that can be a sign of his own infidelity, not yours.

What a weird relationship to have.

He's bordering on gaslighting, he's highly manipulative, he's jealous and insecure, and you don't trust him. Fancying him in that context is simply not enough to make this relationship worth pursuing.

And any fool can have a spare phone.

Perhaps you should come clean and tell him you've snooped on his 'phone? Give him the option to dump you? If he suspected you of wrongdoing, would you countenance him invading your privacy?
Your relationship is obviously not working, perhaps you should both move on to find someone worthy of trust?

I think I've decided to dump, thanks. We've only been dating a few months, it's pretty casual and so I think I just don't need a man in my life making me feel crazy as someone said above. I think he's got issues!

I think that is the right decision

It's a no-brainer.

Relationships are meant to enhance our lives, but this one's got you doubting your own judgement and heading towards paranoia alley.

All this after just a couple of months? Imagine what a wreck you'd be after a couple of years of this crap.

There's no shortage of fanciable men around; in future don't leave it so long to dump those who have 'ishoos'.

Anyone who makes you feel crazy a few months in, will seriously mess with your head in the long term - perhaps irrevocably.

Wise decision.

I was "happily" married for a long time,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I had the feeling something was wrong and I felt paranoid and badly about myself. I didn't look until after those feelings and the proof was there in front of me, a bit too late after the event.
Really , Do what ever you feel is right for you