Hi
I am new to Mumsnet but I have been a lurker for a while.
DD is 4 and I have been with her dad for 8 years. I'm 23 and the dad is 24.
I'm finding it very difficult to move on from DD's dad. I will give you a back story of our relationship.
I was with DD's dad since I was 15 and the first 5 years of our relationship were great, we were truly known to be one of the most loved up couple in our area. Though, when I fell pregnant, moved in together and gave birth to DD at age 19, everything changed. He suddenly became controlling and possessive which then led to emotional and physical abuse. Not only that, DD was born at 24 weeks and myself, her dad and the doctors were increasingly worried if she was going to make it or not.
Fast forward, when DD was around 16 months, we really started to worry about her development, her speech was delayed, she still wasn't walking and we noticed that she was quite floppy and having difficulties with basic motor movements, e.g. holding her head up. After a few tests and scans she was later diagnosed with mild cerebral palsy. As you can imagine, my life turned upside down. Meanwhile the abuse was still going on, we would have good days and bad days. I then thought enough was enough, I took an injunction against him and the court agreed that he would see his daughter via supervised access.
Everything was great, I was free, I could fully focus on my child's needs. I even started a primary education teaching degree (which I'm still currently doing). However, the injunction ended and slowly DD's dad and I were properly in contact again. There was a time we met up to talk about the arrangements regarding DD's physio appointments and the inevitable happened and we had sex. I felt so ashamed and guilty and from them on I decided it was best to end our contact.
Fast forwards again, a year passed. DD's relationship with her dad kept going strong and we were amicable for DD's sake. A few months ago, well in December, DD's dad queried to see if we could get back together. Of course I was hesitant, he said he changed, been going to domestic violence classes. I decided to give things another go, we even went counselling together. From then on, everything seemed great, no abuse, I loved the family unit we had. But until recently, DD's dad behaviour started to creep up again. He will get angry over silly things, he will belittle me in front of people, I talk really fast and my words jumble a lot when I speak to strangers, but DD's dad will tell me "People don't understand me, I talk don't sense...". They seem minor, but to me this affected my confidence. I noticed that he was on his phone quite a lot and if I was in the room, he will quickly go off to the next room to talk on the phone. There was a time I stayed at my mothers, and every time I called DD's dad, he wouldn't answer, he will block my calls at times. I knew something was going on, so when I came back I managed to look through his phone and I saw many conversations with him flirting with women. I didn't do anything. He denied it. I felt the hurt and the paranoia building up all over again, it was like a light bulb went off in my head and I thought to myself I can't take it anymore. I packed my bags and moved DD out. This time it was over for good.
Recently on Facebook, I know I shouldn't of done this, I went on his page and there were many pictures of his new girlfriend (I had no idea), I felt really sad and broke down. He was and still is texting me that he loves me and all that bullshit, whilst he is still with is girlfriend.
I am sad, I am hurt. I don't know how I can move on from this. How can somebody move on so quickly? I know I shouldn't of gotten back with him and put DD at risk of being in an abusive situation again. But I wrongly assumed that because we were both young, his abusive, controlling self would change as he got older.
Please do not judge me, I know I have made many bad decisions.