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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He has form.... what would you do?

30 replies

carrotcakequeen · 11/05/2015 20:26

I have started dating a guy (for the past month). We hit it off brilliantly, there is a real spark. I know it's very early days and we are just 'dating' at this point as opposed to being in a relationship but he is very keen and affectionate towards me and we bounce off each other so well. We were chatting about someone I know who is having an affair and I asked him if he had ever cheated on a partner to which he replied 'Yes, I have actually. The relationship was dead, it was right at the end and I had an affair with a married woman.' I asked if he felt guilty on his partner (of six years) and he said, 'No, not at the time'. I was put off by him. Not only because he would have an affair but also because he didn't seem particularly remorseful. He is the kind of person who seems to be very truthful and won't hide things and I guess everyone has a past but not everyone will admit to the things that are unpleasant about that past.

He seemed quite surprised when I said I'd never and would never be unfaithful to a partner. The problem for me is that he seems to be such a nice, caring guy and I find the thought of just walking away based on this one thing difficult. He has also told me that they were not really compatible and were more like friends. I generally tend to assume, though, that if someone's unfaithful once there's a good chance they will be again.

I'm interested to know if this is a 'Run for the hills' situation for most people or whether most would just try to overlook and gauge how our relationship develops or doesn't.

OP posts:
MozzchopsThirty · 11/05/2015 20:30

I don't think it's a huge red flag. I've had relationships where I've been faithful and some I've not.

It's very dependent on the relationship

MozzchopsThirty · 11/05/2015 20:31

And he was honest about it which is also positive

GoatsDoRoam · 11/05/2015 20:36

Hmm. Well, he was very honest (= not deceitful), and his statements as you transcribe them sound like self-awareness, rather than angling for permission to do the same to you, on the basis of fair warning.

Proceed with caution?

tipsytrifle · 11/05/2015 20:38

I don't get any walk-away vibes from this at all. Enjoy Smile

YorkieButtonsizeMen · 11/05/2015 20:38

Not so much what he did but the fact you appear to have very different values.

I think if it put you off, that's for a reason, so just stick with being friends.

pieceofpurplesky · 11/05/2015 20:40

We need to know more about him to judge though! Has he been married etc? One cheat is not too bad but what is his story ...

Hassled · 11/05/2015 20:41

I dunno - I'm on the fence. On the one hand he's honest and straightforward - on the other hand he didn't feel any guilt (although does he now, with hindsight? Or did his ex never find out so he doesn't feel he caused her pain, hence the lack of guilt?). It doesn't make him a bastard necessarily, but it does make him seem amoral, and that can't be good. Proceeding with a lot of caution is probably the best advice.

tipsytrifle · 11/05/2015 20:44

Not so keen on the "he has form" judgement thing ... maybe because I don't think it applies to your situation? It's an ugly descriptor. Many are ugly in their actions of course, just don't feel he is one of them. But caution is always on the menu Grin

Angleshades · 11/05/2015 20:48

Just because he was unfaithful before, doesn't mean he would be so next time round. I've had relationships where I've been unfaithful (not many) and relationships where I've been 100% faithful. It does depend on the relationship and the circumstances. I don't think anyone could definitely say they wouldn't cheat as none of us can see what challenges lie ahead for us. When faced with certain relationship problems a situation could present itself to anyone where they felt attracted to someone else, it takes a lot of will power to say no in these instances.

pieceofpurplesky · 11/05/2015 20:52

I agree angle which is why I said we need to know more - married twice, two kids, slates his exes had an affair because it was stale versus One LTR where he cheated are
Different things ...

Cherryapple1 · 11/05/2015 20:52

I couldn't be with someone who had been unfaithful. His attitude to it is more concerning - he doesn't think it is a big deal at all? And it was with a married woman too. I think his values may not be as strong as yours.

NerdyBird · 11/05/2015 20:52

I would proceed with caution. You only have his word about what happened, and why didn't he talk to his partner and just end it? He may not cheat again, but I'd hold off getting too involved until you know him better.

GoatsDoRoam · 11/05/2015 20:53

Having said all that, don't stay in a relationship that makes you uncomfortable, OP, for whatever reason.

carrotcakequeen · 11/05/2015 20:53

Hmm - yes, maybe I am being a bit too judgemental, tipsytrifle. I tend to be guilty of this.

He's never been married, pieceof but then neither have I and we're both in our forties. I have never been particularly pro-marriage, though have been in long-term relationships and he is the same - just not particularly 'traditional' re marriage. I am possibly looking for problems because I've got a problem with unfaithfulness and, even though I'm pretty confident and don't have self-esteem issues (that I'm aware of...!) I do a have a fear of being cheated on. Not something I want to admit to/would want to discuss with him really.

Hassled - no, she didn't find out - so maybe that's it - he doesn't feel guilty because of that. They are still friends.

I'm amazed at the laid-back attitude to this so far. I thought everyone would say definitely don't go any further.

OP posts:
magoria · 11/05/2015 20:53

He was 'honest' about cheating (being deceitful etc) on a long term partner.

He has an excuse, the relationship was dead/they were more like friends (haven't heard any of that on relationships at all have we?) and isn't remorseful in the slightest.

He had an affair with a married woman. Arguably she was the one who cheated on her partner but he was happy to be a party to that.

He seems surprised that you would never cheat. That to me says it is still an option for him if he decides again.

I would avoid.

Cherryapple1 · 11/05/2015 20:56

I guess it depends on your own history. I have been cheated on in the past so am ultra wary now. I also agree about him being surprised that you would never cheat - seems a bit of an odd attitude?

VanitasVanitatum · 11/05/2015 20:56

Well if everyone felt like you OP there would be a hell of a lot of single people out there!!

He made mistake, but he's not beating himself up. Wouldn't bother me.

Roseformeplease · 11/05/2015 20:56

He got involved with a married woman. Clearly, relationships are not sacrosanct to him. I would avoid but I was the daughter of a philanderer and have no time for them.

FriendofBill · 11/05/2015 20:57

Your in-tuition (see what I did there Grin) is there for a reason.

It may be ok for some people.
Your intuition is telling you it's not ok for you.
Every time I go against my intuition, I regret it.

arsenaltilidie · 11/05/2015 20:59

In general most women that cheat is because something is lacking in the relationship.
Whereas most men that cheat do so because they want to cheat.

I have seen women that have stopped cheating when they fell in love/met the right partner.
But I have never seen a bloke that has cheated before and stopped cheating on the future partners.
For most men, cheating in the past is a pretty much a clear indicator they will cheat again.
I would say trust your instinct.

Iflyaway · 11/05/2015 21:07

Well, the one thing he is honest about is that he will cheat - even if the other is married - rather than finish one relationship (and taking some time out) before starting another.

That's all you need to know.

What was that MN saying again? When a man tells you how he is, believe him.

Personally I don't like a man who can't function without a woman or two before he gets his own shit in order. The less baggage the better! Smile

victoire1208 · 11/05/2015 21:28

I'm a reformed cheater too. It was a farcically bad relationship and he was up to allsorts too. The thought of cheating on dh is inconceivable. It would have been easy to lie to you and he showed maturity and respect by coming clean about his past. Try not to dwell on this.

CoffeeBeanie · 11/05/2015 21:58

If his only explanation was that the relationship was dead, then my intuition would tell me to throw that one back in, too.

Listen to your gut feeling, it put you off him, because you would never be unfaithful.

pocketsaviour · 11/05/2015 22:23

His lack of guilt and his surprise that you've never been unfaithful make me think that he's not monogamous by nature. (And yes, it takes one to know one.)

It sounds like that's a deal breaker for you - I'd end it.

stareatthetvscreen · 11/05/2015 22:27

its a personal thing i think

it would bother me - being honest about cheating? um....