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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I've been a complete idiot, I'm heartbroken and it's my own fault

21 replies

Tweetybirds · 11/05/2015 18:03

Just want to let it all out, I'm heartbroken and I've walked straight in to a situation that I should have realised the truth about. I've been an absolute idiot (and you can all tell me on here I am) and utterly naive.
I met someone 4 months ago whilst I was out who I really hit it off with, when we met up again, he said that he was separated but not yet moved out the marital home (they have separate bedrooms), they have 3 children so stayed living together for the children (I believed that as I did that for a while myself).

I know I'm a complete idiot to have even gone further in this situation. We get on really well and I tentatively went along with it. I believed what he said from evidence I've repeatedly asked for and our contact
BUT I've gradually realised, he's not in the process of leaving which he led me to believe he was, this is how they are going to live for now for the sake of their children (I didn't want to carry on for long like that in my situation so assumed he wouldn't be either and don't think it's a particularly good idea for the children).

He thinks this situation is okay because they aren't a 'couple' anymore but now I've realised what it is I know the right thing to do is not see him anymore.
I know, I'm a classic example of an utter fool who really fell for a guy I shouldn't have and who somewhat misled me and I was stupid to not realise that he would actually stay living in that situation.

I'm so upset because I liked him so much but I've brought this all on myself.

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 11/05/2015 18:06

Not entirely your fault - you made assumptions based on your own experience, and I guess we all do that.

Try to chalk it up to experience and if you meet someone in that situation again, I'd be saying "I don't date people who still live with their partners."

springydaffs · 11/05/2015 18:07

Bloody hell, give yourself a break!

What on earth has happened that you duff yourself over to this extent?? You haven't murdered anybody. Xx

shirleybasseyslovechild · 11/05/2015 18:08

You are not a fool. You have realised that whilst his domestic arrangement makes it ok for him to date other people ( ie you )
It's not ok for you .
So you are ending it.
Well done for doing what you believe is the right thing.

thelonggame · 11/05/2015 18:08

Honey you haven't done anything wrong. So sorry for you though, awful situation to find yourself in, be gentle on yourself and give yourself time to grieve for what could have been.

ItsRainingInBaltimore · 11/05/2015 18:09

The trouble is, how do you know they are not a couple any more?

He might not think so, but chances are his 'ex' has no idea about this...

Shybairns · 11/05/2015 18:09

Don't be so hard on yourself! You met a nice guy who lied to you. End it, move on, head held high.
NEXT!!

M00nUnit · 11/05/2015 18:19

This isn't your fault in any way whatsoever - what he told you about his situation when you first met him doesn't sound particularly implausible and could easily have been the truth! How were you supposed to know he wasn't being honest? There are plenty of honest men out there and it wasn't unreasonable of you to think he was one of them. So stop being so hard on yourself. Hope you meet someone soon who is more worthy of you!

Original poster

Tweetybirds · 11/05/2015 18:26

I wasn't expect such support, I was expecting people to tell me I deserved this!!
Springydaffs - you even made me laugh through the tears.
Itsraining - it's a good point. I kind of believed him, I guess from my experience and trusting him (although, that's been broken I guess) and from when and how often we have contact / see each other. I don't actually know if his (still) wife knows but I would assume she suspects he's seeing someone. When I realised he wasn't leaving, that really became an issue.

I think now as he's obviously not leaving yet it's all wrong.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tweetybirds · 11/05/2015 18:47

I think I'm so upset because I liked him so much, I haven't liked anyone in a long time this much and I feel like I could have avoided this heartache if I'd not been so gullible.

OP posts:

Allofaflumble · 11/05/2015 19:17

Sorry to hear of your disappointment but this situation would hold a load of hassle if not heartache. I think you should be proud that you are looking out for yourself. X

NerdyBird · 11/05/2015 21:07

You haven't done anything wrong. It's a common situation that people who have split up have to carry on sharing property for a while. For most people it's temporary but sounds to me like he wasn't clear that it was going to be like this for a while. I wouldn't want to get involved with someone doing this either. Try not to feel bad, there's no harm done.

tipsytrifle · 11/05/2015 21:18

It's all a moral/social minefield. If the marriage is over it's over, right? Does it really matter if the total separation of material life has happened? Don't get me wrong, this is a case by case merit thing!

What I think I'm saying is if this feels so real and right to you, maybe it is?

This doesn't mean the circumstances around the situation are tolerable, but they might be. I'm just saying, think before you write everything off too. You need to be secure in your own self before allowing anyone else to share your heartspace. That's where you'll find your true direction.

tipsytrifle · 11/05/2015 21:23

I think your thread title is taking you way overboard into drowning. Think gently and softly about who and what you desire, how you would like it to be and how you might cope while waiting for it to be. Decide if you want to wait or let go. Because, really, it's about YOU.

MyRightFoot · 11/05/2015 21:44

maybe he is happy to stay in this situation until he meets someone he wants to have a future with? maybe four months isnt long enough for him to be sure about you? have you asked him where he thinks you two are going?

Original poster

Tweetybirds · 11/05/2015 22:26

Maybe I do need to think about this. I've been honest with him and said how I feel and he's said he's not sure when he'll leave so it seems it would be a complete unknown for me what the future could even be. He said he doesn't want to not see me but would understand if I wanted to meet someone else (which has made me feel even more upset).

OP posts:

Original poster

Tweetybirds · 11/05/2015 22:28

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MyRightFoot · 11/05/2015 22:52

he is there for the sake of the kids. although its an unconventional situation, it may be working well and he is not prepared to unsettle them until he is sure about you, and four months isnt long enough for him to take that step. did he actually lie to you in the beginning and say he was planning to move out?

morethanpotatoprints · 11/05/2015 22:59

don't give yourself a hard time. i entirely agree with the first poster.
He's doing the right thing for his kids, that'd great for them, but not for you.
4 months is nothing, you deserve a nice fella who is free At least it only took you a few months and you won't be strung along anymore.

GrumpleMe · 11/05/2015 23:51

I lived with my ex for a year after separation. I decided not to date during this time because I assumed anyone decent would have a problem with my living arrangements. I know I would.

You ARE a decent person, with high standards for yourself. He might be the right person, but it's not the right time.

I know it's hard, but ask him to contact you when his living situation changes.

You've done nothing wrong.

daisychain01 · 12/05/2015 03:01

Definitely chalk this one to experience. The sooner you can move forward the better as he is giving the clearest sign that his priority is with his family

I'd advise you to cut ties so you don't get tempted to wait around. You'll feel better in the long run x

Original poster

Tweetybirds · 12/05/2015 07:03

I was trying to remember how he explained his situation and he did explain it in a way I was led to believe they were in the process of separating properly or I would not have gone further. His children are definitely his priority which I really respect but I do wonder if it's the right person, wrong time. I can see it's difficult as I wouldn't want to be living without my child so if their arrangement works why would he want to leave his children.

OP posts:

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