tell me it gets better please

[flanjabelle]

I ended my relationship with dds dad on Friday. It wasn't working, I didn't feel respected, wanted, cherished, loved etc etc. After 7 years, I was losing my self respect being in a relationship where I didn't actually feel like he loved me anymore.

I feel broken, and can't see it getting better. I'm lonely, anxious, feel constantly sick, can't eat, I just want to sleep all the time. I'm trying to pretend that I'm ok for dd, but I feel like I could lay down and never get back up.

I have to share dd now. I know it's what is right for her but it fucking hurts. I am taking her to him in 20 minutes and I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack.

I don't know why I'm writing this, I just need to get it out. I can't even cry. I want to, but it's just all stuck inside me.

I would tell him in very short almost unemotive sentences that I love him and want a family life with him. That I understand all too well what he is going through but that it is not about me at this moment. That I need him to have a think about it and tell me what is the best way that I can actively love him i.e. not what I need but what he as a man and an individual needs to feel loved and supported. I would then tell him in turn what I need to feel love and supported - how being 'loved' presents itself to me. (I would not blame nor present examples of where he had not done this in the past, it would be new slate time). I would then suggest we both have a think this separately about the consequences of splitting v staying together and I would suggest meeting up one on one in maybe a month or so, going for dinner together perhaps and having a frank (non blaming) conversation about our individual findings and from there seeing if the relationship can be resumed on new ground. Don't be afraid of giving space it is very very true that if you love someone you have to let them go to come back to you and certainly, he needs to go away and re-evaluate if he is able to love you the way you need to be loved. I think that's the salient point actually. Don't be afraid. That rubbishy feeling comes from the fear that your hands are tied - they are not. Get proactive and take the reigns on this one but if you love him as you say you do come from a loving place and see if you can't collaborate to make something better come out of this, long term.

c'est - i wish i could, but that option is not open to me any more. i had my allowance of therapy, and am now classed as well.

confused - i cant thank you enough for taking the time to give me your advice. i think you are so right that we need to have that conversation. I need to actually think about what it is i need, as all i have said so far is that i feel unloved, but not actually explained what it is that makes me feel loved. I do need to know what he needs from me too, as all he has asked is that i stand by him, but i just dont know how he needs me to be. thank you so much, i appreciate the help more than you can imagine.

So sorry to see that you have both experienced such pain in your lives. It's a horrible irony that the things we think will bring us closer together are often so difficult that they drive us apart.

I can't add anything to confused's excellent advice, only to say that you can only give your partner what you are able to give. What you would like to be able to give him is a whole other matter. You sound like you have the basis of a good relationship, but that life has just thrown too much at you and, for now, you may both cope better by being apart than being together. I really hope you can work it out.

comfusedof london your post really struck a chord with me. I wonder whether you would be kind enough to look at the thread I have just started and tell me if it is worth giving my current relationship space.

Best wishes everyone

How nice of you to ask my opinion crystal I'll take a look now

Thank you nice.

Honestly, if you still love each other, I wouldn't give up.
Can you afford relationship counselling alongside DH's therapy?

I can't help feeling from reading you posts that it would be a terrible shame if you gave up just now.

If I were in you shoes I would explain to him exactly what it is you need from him to feel loved by him. The way you put it in a previous post was exactly how you should say it to him.

He doesn't seem to be a bad egg to be honest and I'm sure his counselling must be so tough going For him going back to what happened to him as a child.

I think for a stranger to say to you that you should leave that he's not the one for you is madness to be honest. How could they know that!

Talk to him op, talk to each other.

Wishing you the best of luck x

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

I would love to go for relationship counselling with him, does anyone know how much it is? I think it would help so much, but money is very very tight.

I'm going to meet him to go for a walk tonight and talk about what we both need and what we both feel is the best way forward. he phoned me last night to tell me he had a big breakthrough in his therapy, and wants to tell me about it.

It's just so complicated, and all I want is to have a happy life with him and dd.

You would probably pay something between £30 to £50 per hour for counselling. Those studying to become counselors have to undertake many hours of training in unpaid roles. It might be worth looking into organisations that have trainees, the fees here may be lower. Take a look at the BACP website for information.

I'm 5 weeks into a split but thankfully there's no dc involved.
My ex also has some long standing issues of his own which have affected our relationship.
We've split a few times and been close to it many times more and he always says he will change, he loves me etc... but has never actually seen it through. It all goes well for a few weeks/months after then it starts to slide again.
I felt very unhappy and gave him many many opportunities to improve things (way more than I probably should) I tried to support him, be understanding and put his issues and needs first while ignoring my own but in the end he took that for granted and I couldn't continue any more. It really destroyed my confidence and my self esteem to the point that I didn't recognise 'me' any more.

I love and care about him, as he claims to do for me too but we just can't make a successful relationship with each other.
I understand it is difficult, I'm somewhat lucky in that my ex is in another Country so I don't have to see him or bump into him.
If you do want to try again with him just be aware that he can/will/would say anything he thinks you want to hear to get you back.
I wish I had seen that for myself earlier on - it would have saved a lot of heartache now.
Good luck.

Thank you nice, I will look into it.

Carbe I'm sorry to hear you have had such a rough time. It hurts when you give and give and give until you have nothing left. It sounds like you have done exactly the right thing for you. Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it.