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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me not text him.

11 replies

Hurr1cane · 11/05/2015 16:41

Ok so long back story coming up.

I was in a 3 year relationship with a man I loved very much. We didn't live together because of DSs needs but saw each other a lot. DS is my child, not his, and has severe SN and disabilities. DS loves DP with all his heart.

So about a year ago I found out through an anonymous message on Facebook, with screen shot, that he was cheating on me and trying it on with a lot of women. My reaction to this was to delete Facebook and not even confront him. I admit a massive part of this decision was that my mum dragged us from pillar to post after various men while growing up and I promised never to do that to my beautiful DS, so I ignored it.

We carried on and became even closer and started talking about trying to work out a way we could move in together.

Then, at the end of January/ early February I had a miscarriage, it was a particularly horrible one and I was supposed to stay in hospital, but came home because I knew it would upset DS otherwise.

DP was wonderful at this time, did all the school runs and cooking etc.

However, after that he became really distant. For example, there were 2 occasions since that DS has been away with his dad for the weekend. Which rarely happens, we rarely get the house to himself, usually he has to work but comes back to mine after and it's lovely. These times he just said he was going home and was tired.

The job he works he has to work nights, and is often walking home through a particularly rough area at 3-4 am, so he always texts me to say he's home safe. Recently he just stopped doing that at all.

As well, he has been doing things like staying at work alone till 7am putting all his money in the bandit.

Then there's the way he's acted with DS, he's been snappy with him, when he has actually been around, and and the few occasions where he's had a medical emergency he hasn't even asked how he is.

Basically it feels like he's pushing me away, although when I ask him about it, he says he isn't and I'm just paranoid and grumpy all the time.

Anyway things came to a head Saturday night. He didn't text to say he's got home again and just ignored something I asked him (I don't expect him to text while at work but he's always awake for 3-4 hours after he gets home to wind down)

The next morning he text me but I was out with DS and didn't read it, so 2 hours later when I was home I got a really nasty message off him basically saying I was always in a mood with him and I could just fuck off.

So, I thought about it, and just said "fine, I will. You've got what you wanted" since then I've had nothing. Absolutely nothing at all. So it obviously is what he wants isn't it? I just need to try and get over this don't I?

OP posts:
Hurr1cane · 11/05/2015 16:47

I feel like I've failed my DS. I feel like I'm messing up his life.

OP posts:
Mum4Fergus · 11/05/2015 16:52

I think his decision is quite obvious OP...sorry Hmm

You and your DS deserve so much better...delete/block his number and look to move on with life x

OhNoNotMyBaby · 11/05/2015 16:54

You have not failed your DS.
Your DP is clearly not your DP any more I'm afraid. He's checking out.
This doesn't make it your fault.

Relationships change and move and evolve. Just because he loved you a year ago doesn't necessarily mean he's going to love you in a year's time. I've never really understood why people expect love to last a lifetime. Sometimes it does, mostly it doesn't.

Don't text him. You deserve someone who wants to be with you and unfortunately this guy doesn't want to any more. Remember the good, the lovely, the supportive bits and try to accept that for whatever reason, this person's feelings have changed.

Hurr1cane · 11/05/2015 16:55

Fergus. I think so too. But he kept on saying that he didn't want to lose me, then he'd send a massive text saying how he loves me and I was the only person he had, but then he'd carry on acting exactly the same.

I wish he'd just have told me straight off that he wanted to leave. He probably doesn't want that though does he? He probably wanted me to leave so he wouldn't have any guilt.

I don't even know how I'll even begin to explain this to a child with limited understanding. Obviously I don't have to yet, I'll wait until everything is absolutely definite but it's going to really upset him.

OP posts:
TonyThePony · 11/05/2015 16:58

Don't text him, he likely won't reply and then you'll feel even worse.

I'd guess he's with somebody else and he's just a coward who can't be honest so picked fights with you so that you'd be pushed to end it.

I say, leave him to it. It will get easier in time but if you contact him, the whole moving on process will start from the beginning.

Keep yourself occupied and distracted, you deserve much much better than him anyway.

It will get easier. And you haven't failed your DS; your relationship broke down because your partner was being obstructive, it's a shame he seemingly hasn't even thought about your DS in all of this but it just shows you're both better off without him.

Flowers
Hurr1cane · 11/05/2015 17:00

It isn't even just him. I don't have any family up here, and we were friends ages before we were seeing each other, his whole family have been my support network with DS and I've basically lost all of it.

I have two really close friends, but both are having major issues of their own at the moment so I don't want to burden them.

OP posts:
Hurr1cane · 11/05/2015 17:01

Thanks everyone. I know I really need to just accept it and stop fighting for a relationship that he's checked out of.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 11/05/2015 17:08

I'd deduce from what you have written that he either wants out and hence being nasty to you or he's met someone else, either way he's the massive let down, not you.

Hurr1cane · 11/05/2015 17:12

We've still been sleeping together, unprotected since the miscarriage, before then it wasn't, but we had a condom split.

I'm going to have to go and get an STI test aren't I? And I'm going to have to wait till I'm due on to see if I'm pregnant. Luckily that's only Thursday.

I've been such an idiot. I should have just stayed well away from men like I was planning to so I wouldn't have done this to DS. I thought he was just having a depressed episode like he does sometimes, but they last weeks, not months. This is horrid.

OP posts:
Hurr1cane · 11/05/2015 17:27

And most of his shit is in my house. Including a pretty expensive bike

OP posts:
Jacana · 11/05/2015 18:09

Oh dearSad

To his stuff, send him a text saying all his stuff + bike will be outside yours tomorrow evening after 6.

And if he doesn't collect, get the scrap man to call by (no. In yr telephone directory btw)

Take charge of the situation. Flowers

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