Me:blissfully happy Him: 'We just don't get on, do we'. Didn't see that coming!

[BangaloreStories]

After dead on 3 years dating, my boyfriend has just told me this:

'We don't get on, do we, be honest? We just don't get on'.

This is a bit of a bombshell to me, as I thought we had a happy relationship
Admittedly he is very depressed recently as he had a heart attack several months ago and has struggled with the lifestyle changes since, but whilst we may argue a bit sometimes, in my experience of LTRs it's no more than usual, and in fact a lot less than my previous LTRs bar one.

I'm absolutely besotted with him, I'm affectionate, we always have day trips and stuff to do at the weekends when he stays over, we have a happy bedroom life, and he's been a great father figure to my children. I don't have any complaints!

But the look of utter resignation on his face when he said that has made me wonder if this relationship is doomed now. I'm obviously not 'The One' for him if he's decided we don't get on , yet other times he says he sees himself being with me til the end .

What do I do now? The thought of staying with someone who by the sounds of it is utterly fed up with me is heartbreaking.

Should I leave him? If you tell someone that, it means it's over for them doesn't it? I don't want to leave him because I'm besotted with him, but equally I don't want to continue making him unhappy as that's what he's expressed in that statement.

I'm devastated, and meanwhile I'm going to be in a state of flux wondering if the next thing I do to annoy him or make him think we're not getting on is just adding to a crib sheet which he'll review in the near future and say, 'had enough now' and split up with me for good.

Should I leave him - even though it will be devastating for me - because of that statement? I don't know what to do that's best for him.

Not easy, because it could be a symptom of his depression, or (purposefully or not) it could have the effect of putting you constantly in a back footing, second guessing him and trying to make him happy.
Or it could be him worrying that you think you are arguing too much and are thinking of leaving him.

For now I'd try to talk to him and ascertain exactly what he meant by that, before making any decisions.

What else did he say ? Surely he must have given some indication of what he wants?

This isn't the boyfriend who doesn't want to move in with you, is it?

Apologies if it's not you, but there are some similarities to a poster who has made multiple posts about the same issue.

Apologies accepted notanother. I don't tend to track down old posts from current posters myself but I appreciate that namechanging on MN is a feature that can be useful and offer privacy where required.

A heart attack does tend to be a bit of a gamechanger; for most people it's their first brush with mortality. Sounds like since then he's taken stock of his life and isn't too happy with where he is.

I think I'd sit him down and ask him what he meant by "we don't get on" and just be straight with him that you need to know where you stand. Because that statement sounds like he's decided the relationships doesn't have legs. :(

When I was going through a really bad phase of depression I would say things like that to test my dp. I know that sounds awful. But it could just be the depression talking.

You need to talk to him and see if it's a genuine issue or a result of what he's been through lately.

Hasn't he made the decision already

I'm with Vivacia . Sounds like it's not your decision to make! Meant kindly. In your shoes I would start to withdraw a bit for my own protection and see what happens, If he's happy that the whole thing is coming to an end, you have your answer. If he doesn't want to end it and asks why you are withdrawing, you can explain how much the comment hurt and exactly how you feel. Please don't use it as a cue to throw everything and the kitchen sink at him because that would be him manipulating you and you being a doormat in response.

I also think it could be down to his depression as it sometimes causes people to push others away. Him saying, "We don't get on, do we?" is a bit vague rather than a definite concrete reason and it tests you for your input.

My first cynical thought is that's a manipulative thing to say. Is he the type to enjoy putting you in a state of uncertainty? Maybe he'd like you to run around trying to please him more?

Alternatively, he might just have been trying to give you an easy out, save you from nursing him through poor health? Or looking for reassurance?

Why don't you ask HIM what he means?

What kind of conversation were you having when he came out with this? Or were you just sat minding your own when it just came out?

If the latter, it's an odd thing to come out with without any prompting and suggests it could be a symptom of his depression

Something similar happened to an acquaintance of mine after her fiance had cardiac surgery. He developed depression and all sorts of doubts about the relationship, and they ended up postponing the wedding. The wedding was eventually called off and they separated. Interestingly, this is something that I have heard is not uncommon after heart attack/disease/problems. It sounds like this could be a symptom of the depression talking.

This made me shudder, as it was something my emotionally abusive ex used to say to me. I agree with Alf in that it could be seens as a bit manipulative.

If he's not happy with you, be a man and stand up and end it! Not make you question everything with that comment.

Sounds like it's not your decision to make! Meant kindly. In your shoes I would start to withdraw a bit for my own protection and see what happens

I wouldnt. If he is depressed, that will make everything worse by reinforcing his idea that you dont get on. I would expect more explanation, a definition of what he means by not getting on, some idea of when this began. The answers may point to depression and stress and this being an indirect way of saying he needs help coping with his current life. The answers may point to him being angry and unhappy about some parts of his life, and wanting a hook to hang that on and him not wanting counselling to fix that. Or you may actually be missing something you dont want to see, and you two dont really get on.

I can see this from the opposite point of view. I have really upset my dh before now when in a very low stated by saying I don't feel like he loves me as much and think he is going to leave me. I have had to explain to him afterwards that wasn't about him or our relationship really, but just how low about myself I was feeling at the time making me insecure about things. If he has depression I could easily imagine he feels the same eg not good enough for you, or just generally negative about everything, rather than that he actually doesn't want to be with you. I guess the only way to find out us to talk some more about it. Some people on here don't seem very sympathetic to mental illness - it would seem a bit hastyto start withdrawing from the relationship on the basis of that one comment without talking some more and giving him time to get treatment.

Op, I think the only way to get an answer is to talk to him.

A bunch of strangers on the Internet are really just guessing here.

Only he can tell you how he feels about you and your relationship.

Best of luck!