Does anyone have a DP suffering with anxiety? How do you cope?

[FreckledLeopard]

Just had a rough few weeks and wondering if there are others out there in a similar position.

DP suffers from anxiety. She (it's a same-sex relationship) gets hung-up on certain things, can be very obsessive and gets very stressed. Triggers include driving, food (she hates food waste, finds it difficult to cope if others waste food, gets upset if people don't eat free-range), crowds, noise, change of routine. It's possible she may be on the autistic spectrum - it's something we've discussed.

At the moment there's a lot going on (moving house, building works) and we're both extremely stressed. I feel as if I'm walking on eggshells to avoid triggering her anxiety which tends to manifest as withdrawal, tears or her talking to herself (repetitive phrases). I seem to have fallen into the role of carer/protector which makes me feel that I somehow have to try and help her and solve the issues, which I realise is setting myself up for failure.

She won't do anything about the anxiety - she doesn't like anything medical, whether physical or mental health. I can't make her go and can't really talk about it without fear of upsetting her.

I have to stress that most of the time things are great. But, as things get stressful owing to whatever life events are going on, things can really take a nose-dive. We've had a pretty ghastly weekend and now I'm at work, stressed, have a headache and dreading going home.

Can anyone relate to this? Any advice?

Hello. In my family I'm the one with anxiety, and I tend to withdraw when it gets bad.

I was struck that your DP 'won't' seek treatment, and I am sorry, but I just don't think that is acceptable, because of the impact of her anxiety on you. I think you should raise it with her during a good period.

I wonder whether you could do something together which may help her to manage her anxiety? Swimming, yoga, crafting and gardening all help me.

Good luck.

Well, it doesn't sound like a barrel of laughs for you.

She won't do anything about the anxiety - she doesn't like anything medical, whether physical or mental health.

So basically she's saying to you "I refuse to sort out my problems that impact both myself and my relationships."

Spoiler alert: untreated anxiety gets worse. Inevitably.

So in a few years you are looking at basically being her carer.

I would personally run for the hills. And I say that as someone with mental health issues of my own, which I've fought long and hard with to ensure they don't impact my life and the life of my loved ones. I think it's grossly irresponsible for any adult to just sit there and say "This is the way I am and everyone else can just tiptoe around me."

I too am the anxiety sufferer and again I withdraw. I did seek help but unfortunately can't afford to carry it on. It did help though. I'd also worry she doesn't want to seek help. It's truly exhausting (physically and mentally) suffering. I did feel a bit 'silly' seeking help, do you think that's the case?

It's hard to know how to raise it. She's certainly improved leaps and bounds since before I met her. From what I understand, whilst at university, she basically spoke to no-one for the best part of a year, ignored all phone calls and stayed in her room. She didn't used to answer the door if the doorbell rang as she was so anxious. Now, she does go out, does see friends, leads a pretty normal life and holds down a good job on a full-time basis. That has been achieved essentially through will-power and nothing else.

She is extremely stubborn so I don't want to push the medical thing. She has, in the past, mentioned thinking about counselling, so perhaps that could be a start, though I wish she would go to the GP.

Yoga is a good idea. She used to do that, as did I. It's finding time to do anything at the moment that's tricky, but once we've sorted out moving, then will look into it.

She can be wonderful. She usually is. It's really only the past few weeks that have been really difficult, but I do worry about the future.

bump

She has to take responsibility for dealing with it. It's really unfair to expect you to just deal with it.

In terms of treatment, I had a treatment called EMDR for my anxiety, because multiple rounds of CBT hadn't really got to the bottom of it. EMDR is a treatment that can also be used for post traumatic stress disorder and OCD.

It has been great.

I'm not sure that counselling is the correct treatment for anxiety, IME it just brought stuff up without giving it anywhere to 'go'.

I am (was) also the one with anxiety in my relationship, but I recently tried hypnotherapy after years of suffering and it has really helped.

You say your partner doesn't like anything medical, and I totally understand that - it's fear of seeing the doctor and of being judged. But with hypnotherapy they only want to know what the triggers are and can help you with just that information.

It is not fair that you should be the "carer" in this situation. That is actually the main reason I took responsibility and went for treatment, because I realised I was putting too much pressure on DP.

I would say I'm 99% cured of my anxiety and have only had one session, every day I realise small things that I've done which would I would have been very anxious about and avoided only a few weeks ago.