Continue with counselling or give up?

[Winniethewylde]

I've posted before about the problems in my marriage, in a nutshell I'm desperately unhappy, miserable in fact and really feel like I want to separate from my husband of 7 years. I'll be honest in saying that if it wasn't for our children I would have left him a long time ago. We don't communicate, other than through the kids, have little in common and haven't had sex in a very very very long time. Neither of us has any desire to. He is unhappy too so we agreed we'd try couples counselling. In my view this was to make things amicable between us and try to air our views without going round in circles or shouting.

We had our first session last week and he went in there basically saying he wanted us to be happy, he saw us staying together through thick and thin, rough with the smooth etc and that he wanted to work at it. I said I was desperately unhappy and that I thought we should try this so if we separate we can remain friends and still parent together. I felt myself getting very agitated and angry through the session and I'm now dreading the next one. The thought of months of this is tearing me apart.

I really don't know how I should be feeling though? I honestly thought deep down he felt the same as me but I now fear he is taking this route so if we separate he can blame me and say I left him, he wanted to try etc etc.

Does anyone have any advice at all? I feel incredibly lonely and lost and so badly want to feel like I'm doing the right thing.

Have you tried talking to him out with the session to explain how you feel?

What does he say?

Would he leave if you asked him too?

To *

Thanks for replying. The trouble is its just a horrid situation where we just don't talk to each other other than about mundane, day to day stuff. Anything more than that ends badly. We've tried to talk on occasions before and he's agreed things are bad. I've mentioned separation and he's told me I won't get the house, he won't leave, I won't have any money etc etc. basically all in anger at me.

TBH I would seek legal advice if you have not already done so with a view to divorcing. This is really in its death throes; its over really bar the shouting.

What example of a marriage are you both showing your children here?. Is this really what you want to teach them about relationships. Staying for the children rarely if ever works out well and its a terrible burden to place on a child.

This man is not the boss of you and he is not above the law either (all this about you won't have any money or the house is a threat to keep you in check).

What is it specifically that made you angry and agitated in the session? Did you feel like he was lying in there, or that you couldn't say what you wanted to say?

Thank you Attila I haven't had any legal advice but it had crossed my mind. I will do that. I know, that is exactly what I am worried about. They don't deserve to witness this going on, they adore their Daddy, but I know this will devastate them.

I wouldn't give up after one session. Too soon. You don't have to do it for months though if it doesn't get any better. How about committing yourself to another 3 or 4 (in your head rather than telling anyone) and then see how you feel? It may be easier to bear if you put a shorter time limit on it for yourself and you may find it actually does start to help. Inevitably in the first few sessions, you are coming in from different places but you might find that you communicate better once you've both stated your positions and start listening to each other. Or not, but you won't know till you've tried.

It just seemed like he was painting himself as a good husband and that I'm difficult, impulsive and hard to live with. I wanted to shout but had to hold my tongue and it make me shake with anger.

I think the thing that struck me was the counsellor suggested that these things take years to put right. I feel like I've wasted enough of my life waiting for things to change.

That must have been infuriating.

When you think about that some more, are you frustrated that the counsellor may not see through him?

If so, who cares what he/she thinks?

Or are you frustrated that HE actually believes what he's saying?

If so, don't be. He knows the truth as well as you do.

I'm so sorry. This could be me. Except we have not reached the counselling etc. We just don't speak. I've even been told he won't move and I won't get the house. Would you be able to move out and be able to support your children with no help from him? I'm thinking about doing that doing that. Just been looking at places to rent . I work so even though I will struggle incredibly, I might just make it. Can't bear the thought of taking anything from him. My post probably does not help at all. I just came on here for some help and saw your post first. You are not alone and big hug. I hope we can find our answers and happiness.

Counselling is pointless if both partners have different objectives: his is to keep you together, yours is to smooth the way to a split. You are at cross purposes, so in your case give up the counselling and get a lawyer instead.

Grumple I don't really care what she thinks of him. It just angers me what can't see that he ever does anything wrong. Someone else is always to blame.

Thank you mummo I'm sorry to hear about your situation too. I won't leave, my eldest is at school and settled, I'd have no where to go and it would disrupt my youngest too. It's so lonely living like this isn't it?

Thank you goats I guess in an ideal world I thought he might actually agree that separation was for the best, to save our relationship as parents and for our children's sake. Clearly not though. I suspect I'm going to be painted as the evil ex wife who broke up our home.

In that case, Winnie, more counselling is probably pointless. He's obviously not willing to meet you half way. Spend your money and time setting up a future for yourself that doesn't include him.