I want to leave my DH

[Aixoise]

DH has always had a temper and over the past few months we have had several arguments where he has shouted and sworn at me in front of my DD (6)– he is very stressed with work, not that this is an excuse, but over the past few months he has got disproportionately angry over the smallest things and shouted and sworn at me to the point where I have walked out a couple of times rather than have DD witness it.
Yesterday was awful – we were going to see friends in the afternoon and I said shall we leave about 1 and he was sitting on the sofa looking really moody and pulling faces (like an overgrown teenager) and I called him into the kitchen and said “are you ok you look really pissed off, do you not want to go” and he said “no, I’m fine leave me alone”, and stormed off then we were leaving and DD came out after me and the wind blew the door to and it slammed really loud and then he came storming out and got in the car and said “if you fucking slam that door like that again you can fucking well buy a new one and fit it yourself” and I said I didn’t slam it the wind blew it and you owe me an apology for talking to me like that in front of DD and he said “well that’s a shame cos you’re not getting one” and then started ranting and shouting at me saying every fucking weekend it’s the fucking same, driving like a lunatic and really shouting and swearing and DD started wailing and crying in the back, it was horrible and he pulled over and said “and of course as usual I am the fucking bad guy” and I said yeah you have reduced both your wife and daughter to tears so it is safe to say you are the bad guy and he apologized to DD and kind of smoothed things over but I hate him – I hate him for behaving like that in front of DD, I hate him for making her cry, and for treating me like that in front of her.
I think we should separate but I don’t know how to do it – I am worried about the impact it will have on DD (although obviously staying with him if he is treating us like this is potentially worse) and not sure where I stand legally – we have joint mortgage and the house is in both our names so can I ask him to leave? Or should I try and save our marriage although I don’t know how as there is no way he would ever accept to go to Relate or anything like that. I work full time and could manage financially on my own but not sure am strong enough to be a single mum to DD. Feel completely devastated and broken hearted.

I didn't want to leave you with no replies op but I'm a bit rubbish with good relationship advice. I'd would have blown my stack at him being spoken to like that but that doesn't help you.

Could you leave for a few days somehow with your DD obviously. Anywhere really your parents or a holiday cottage or even a travelodge just to allow you to clear your mind and make some decisions about the future.
Even if you decide you want to work at your marriage it will hopefully scare the crap out of him and make him more willing to address his anger issues. I don't think it's counselling you need as this isn't a relationship problem it's a temper tantrum from him and abusive behaviour. He needs to address it or you separate.

Thank you for your response. I have thought about going away but there is nowhere where I can really go at the moment as I cant have time off work right now and cant take DD out of school - and think it would be worse for her taking her to stay in a Travelodge and then taking her to school etc.
I don't think counselling would help either - he is not very good at admitting he is in the wrong or apologizing and I feel he always twists things round to blame his behaviour on me. Am not saying I am perfect or that I am not irritating but it is entirely down to him if he chooses to react by shouting and swearing, I don't make him do it. Which is why I don't want to even try and discuss it with him as I know he will twist things. Just feel completely numb and empty and heart is breaking for DD.

Firstly I think you need to find a solicitor to see where you stand.
What you would be entitled to etc...
It sounds like a horrible place to live for both you and your DD.

Does he have any family or friends close by?
Could he move in with someone for a couple of weeks to give you both some breathing space.
You need to think about what you want with a clear head and that means he can't be in your space.

If you're absolutely certain you want to separate then you can ask him to leave, he may refuse but you won't know until you ask. There is also no reason why you cannot split but stay in the same house if in fact he does refuse to leave. I'm not saying this lightly, it certainly wouldng be easy but it would mean your dd is in familiar surroundings whilst you sort out your affairs/look for a new place to live etc. of course this is all rhetoric, you may not want to split but rather he changed his nasty attitude? I think you need some proper legal advice, most solicitors offer a free 30 min appointment so you can get a clear view of where you stand. He could buy you out of the house or vice versa or you could sell it and move elsewhere.
I know you're heartbroken but use these feelings to give you the push you need, you'll be even more upset if you stay and your daughter witnesses more and more of these aggressive episodes. She's 6, not a baby, she WILL remember this, everyday this continues is another day of her learning that this is how men treat women........

OP the best thing you could do right now is calculate how the finances would work, what might be involved in leaving. This would help you out of the fog and pain you are currently in. Please see a solicitor as soon as possible and arm yourself. There's nothing to save here, please protect your daughter and leave this horrible, entitled man.

You'll be fine on your own, you really will.

Yes it's far easier for him to blame you for provoking him than for him to accept that he is behaving appalling.

You said you could probably manage financially as a single parent which is good to know. Many women are trapped due to being financially trapped so it could be worse.

How do you feel about formulating a plan move out ? Could you start to assemble copies of any documents you might need in the future. Can you open an account to divert any spare money into a savings account so that you can take on a lease when you find one.

Maybe as you start this process you will feel hopeful of a better future. Relief even, that you don't need to endure his rants indefinitely anymore.

If you can get him to go somewhere then do it, he needs to realise there are consequences to his actions, he is really damaging your child, for that reason alone I couldn't continue this kind of relationship.

Hi op. I'm a lone parent and separating from my emotionally abusive ex was the best thing I ever did. It can be really tough but it's far outweighed by the benefits. For you and your child. If you truly think he will never change and you can't stand the thought if a lifetime of his behaviour then it's definitely worth going it alone. Good luck.

I separated from dh a few weeks ago, I was so fed up with his behaviour, it was like having another child, it took me years to pluck up the courage, mainly because I was worried about the impact on the dc's, they have coped extremely well and they are both more relaxed now he has gone. I have to admit it hasn't been easy and there are days where I spend half the day crying but things are getting better and I know the future for the dc's will be brighter without him living with us.

Thank you all for your responses, will arrange to see a solicitor. I don't think realistically there is anywhere that he can go at the moment (unfortunately), his family are all far away, my parents are nearby but there is no way I would want him to go there (not cos of my parents, just don't want to involve them) and don't think there are any friends he can go to. He is going to be away a fair bit with work in the next couple of months though which helps.
I agree with Jan that the thing that makes it really hard to continue this relationship is what he has done to DD by behaving like that, and I find it astounding that he doesn't have the self control to not act like this, and also that he is so selfish that he cares more about being able to rant and rave at me than he does about hurting DD - which is what I can't get past. I know DD will remember this and I don't want her to think this is a normal or acceptable way of behaving in a relationship. My parents certainly had their fair share of ups and downs but I never witnessed anything like this in my childhood.
Despite all this I think I would rather he change his attitude and not do this again than leaving him - but I don't think he is going to change. Am absolutely dreading having to go home and see him tonight and pretend everything is normal for DD's sake and I can't concentrate on anything at work either, just sitting here like a zombie.

and pretend everything is normal
It's not normal, so don't pretend.
Tell him you want sit down and discuss your relationship tonight.
Write down everything you want to say.
Let him know how his actions affect you and DD.
Tell him he has the next few weeks with working away to take stock but you won't be putting up with his behaviour any more.
So he can stay and behave like a normal human being or he can fuck off out of your life if he can't and won't make the changes.
Now is the perfect time to tell him all of this if he is going to be away a lot anyway.
DD to bed and have that chat!
You can do it.

Agree completely with hellsbells on how you should approach this.

Think about it this way. His behaviour was so bad it reduced you and your DD to tears. He thinks a simply apology to your DD means it's forgotten now to his mind. However I doubt your daughter will ever forget it, and you are considering ending your marriage and are sitting at work like a zombie. I don't think you can ever reach a compromise when your views are so polarised.

Would you accept being spoken to like this from any other person such as a friend or colleague?

Thanks hellsbells I have started making a list of things to say tonight so I don't get flustered and lose my thread. And no maccie I would never accept a friend or colleague speaking to me like this and no friend or colleague ever has, either. Which to me highlights how bad things are.

I love a good list. It really helps to focus and re-focus when things go off topic a bit.
Good luck.