I cannot accept that my relationship is over.

[RightSideOfWrong]

I suppose it's been in trouble for a while. There were some issues, but mainly relating to my health and a house move putting pressure on us. I really thought we'd sort things out.

He left almost a month ago now, after a stupid argument. He said we had issues, that he'll probably always love me but there is no healthy future in it. He suggested that we have a "break" to make sure that we're both doing the right thing, but said he's happier living apart and having some freedom and independence. He's not dating anyone else, but he is going out and having fun and neither of us were really doing that.

Last week we didn't talk for 5 days. He contacted me first, to make sure I was okay. I thought that was a sign that he missed me. We've talked quite constantly since. He came round again yesterday. It didn't go how I planned... he still doesn't see a future. He said he told me 6 months in (8 years ago!) that he couldn't see us getting married, and he still can't. He's not interested in dating. He's going to focus on himself for a while.

He told me he'll pay his half of the rent for a few months while I decide what to do, but he thinks I should contact the landlord soon and get them to start advertising it. He said I'm young and I can go and have fun and enjoy myself. He's happy for me to take or leave whatever furniture I want or don't. He'll help me with a deposit or whatever. I cried, a lot.

Somehow, I always convince myself that he'll realise he's wrong. That we were meant to be together. I fell asleep holding my phone incase he messaged me, I miss him acutely. I can't explain it...I've done break-ups before, when it hurts, but after a few weeks you've made progress. You miss him less, you need him less. I don't. I still hurt as much as I did when he left.

My friends are trying to be supportive but there are not many of them. I have no family. We moved back to where we live a few months ago, which is where we both grew up, but there isn't much for me here. I have a job but it's London based and I couldn't afford to live there. I have severe anxiety and the idea of moving again makes me feel sick to the bone.

I've seen the GP a few times. He won't give me antidepressants incase I commit suicide. I've tried sleeping all the time but that's not really healthy. This feels like a whole world of pain. It hurts if I talk to him, it hurts if I don't talk to him, it hurts to think that he can just move on and I'm left utterly broken.

I made a lot of mistakes. Not learning to drive, relying on him too much, probably not appreciating him enough. He made some too. I thought we were young enough that we'd have plenty of time to work this out.

I can't forget about him. I can't change his mind. So what do I do to stop being stuck here? It's been almost a month. I should feel a bit better by now. Instead it hurts with every breath. I feel like I've been totally, totally shattered. I can barely breathe.

You can't begin to get over it while you two still have so many ties. Him checking in on you, his offer to keep paying half the rent, all that may seem "noble", but it's actually half-assed hanging on that is preventing you from moving on.

You have to make a clean break in order to start healing.

Do you have a psychotherapist? I think you would benefit from talking to a professional.

Personally I think after 8 years, 1 month post-separation is still early days.

However, yours and your doctor's concerns suggest something deeper. What does your doctor say, given they won't prescribe medication?

It's incredibly painful when a relationship finishes, however, as hard as it is, you have to accept that it's over.

Maintaining contact is not a good idea, of course you are going to struggle if he's calling you for cosy chats and giving you false hope . That has to stop, now. In fact I'm not sure why he's calling you to tell you what a lovely time he's having - that seems like sticking the knife in to me.
By the way, I'd get another GP of they are telling you that you can't have antidepressants in case you kill yourself - because that's nonsense.

Vivacia is right, one month on is very early days. Please be kind to yourself, it's bound to feel raw right now.

I can't make a clean break. I can't pay the rent on my own and I don't have my own stuff to replace "our" stuff...we've lived together for 6 years so it's all ours.

He paid the rent without seeing me, to be fair, and he did ask if he could see me yesterday. I've been poorly so I think he wanted to check I'm okay. He's my next of kin and the hospital alerted him.

My doctor is lovely but knows that there is a lot of suicide down my maternal line, and he believes there may well be a genetic factor. He thinks we have to hope that it sorts itself out without anything too strong. I have no history of suicidal thoughts - I'd be much too much of a wimp - although I don't feel that I have much to live for at the moment.

I can't drive, so I'm stuck living around the corner from his parents (and him, at the moment). The public transport network here is rubbish. Getting to work is bankrupting me. I have all the bills to pay, I can't afford to stay here on my own let alone replace the furniture, and learning to drive is expensive enough without thinking of how I'd fund a car. I don't see a way forward.

It's not just that, though. I love him so much. I'd do anything to rewind a bit and not fuck it up. He has supported me through some really horrific times and I'd do anything to feel that love again right now.

Small steps.

Firstly, accept its over. That's very, very tough to do but in a couple of years you will look back and wonder why you didn't leave earlier (honestly.)

Secondly, you need to look after yourself physically and mentally. Back to the GP and push for some more help. Antidepressants can help, but it's too easy for GP s to dole them out and not help further. You need some professional help about your anxiety.

Thirdly , that anxiety may well improve once you have more agency and control in your life. Once you're on a more even keel, take control. learn to drive. Small steps to regain control. You decide where your life is going. Where your job interests lie, where you live, etc. I often find that worrying about something is so much worse than doing it.

Lastly, lean on those few friends. Call them. Be specific about what you need ' I need some company, are you free Wednesday night' etc.

This will be painful, but I think if you take control, one small thing at a time, you will come out a much stronger person.

Good luck.

He thinks we have to hope that it sorts itself out without anything too strong.

What? Has he suggested anything other than taking some weak medicines?? Have you had years of therapy already?

Ok, you can deal with all these things. You can!

The key is to stop framing it as 'I can't because' and start framing it as 'I need to...how best to..?'

Crockery and household bits can be gotten from charity shops etc for pennies. I'm only just replacing all my student car boot sale student shit now, in my Late thirties! Divide the stuff up between you. If he's earning more, you get more of the big things. Ask friends to help.

The rent is an issue. So what can you afford? You will need to look at either moving into a flat share or moving from where you live. If you absolutely have to be in London (why do you have to be in London? There really aren't many careers that you 100% have to live in London for) then you will need to flat share. That's not ideal, but it's doable.

I left a similar length relationship and moved out and it was a big struggle, financially and mentally, but it was doable (living like an airplant, admittedly.) I had no idea how I'd live by myself when we'd barely managed with two of us but I did it.

Look online at the various government calculators for benefits. You may be surprised. Wish I'd done this - as a single person I thought I'd get nothing but I would have been entitled to some benefits.

Ok, driving is pricey. So put that one in the back burner. Your two biggest needs right now are housing (look for flat shares, you have the luxury of time if he's still paying your rent) and your mental wellbeing.

You poor thing. I just wanted to say, you will survive and start to feel better, you really will, you have your whole life ahead of you, just hang in there every minute, don't ever give up thinking life won't get better. I once had a break up where I didn't want to wake up in the mornings, I couldn't sleep, I still had to carry on with life, I rang him all night, was absolutely distraught and was very depressed. After some time, I gradually started to feel better and better each day and actually, when my ex got back in contact after years later, I felt very neutral and just told him what a wonderful life I have. I let myself go with the grief and gradually started to do nice things for myself everyday. You're so worth getting through this and meeting someone who will make you happy.

Yes , hard though it is, you really really must go no contact.

That's none . Totally.
You think you are weak right now. No you're not. You're just hurting. Hurting badly and it feels physical.

But everyday that passes you will gain strength. You will get stronger.

You sound like you've had a tough time together and he seems a nice chap but he wants to move on and that is fine.

He's allowed. He's showing he cares by being there for you but you don't want him as a friend. You want him to be how it used to be.

That's not going to happen. The one who wants to leave has been making their exit plan in their heads for months or in some cases years.

Please stop hurting yourself for hanging onto every crumb of comfort you feel he will pass your way. Don't hope he wants to see you. He's been planning this for months....right!

Now is the time to man up. Accept it happened . It's not going to change.

Don't waste your energy on wishing and hoping. Put it into getting yourself some help, somewhere to live you can afford and socialising again.

It's baby steps sweetheart. One foot at a time.

You will get there. We all have ;-)

Start by blocking his phone number and social media ...right now!

Don't underestimate how much the lifestyle change has probably thrown you and upset you. If you were living independently to begin with you might not be feeling as bad as you are. You've not just lost a partner, you've lost a life because you have to move. In other words, the acute pain might actually be all the practical stuff you have to face. I had to leave my beloved town when I split up with my exH and losing that was worse than losing him.
Basically,taking a "step down" is grim. You can't afford the flat on your own. You might have to move in with your parents. Look for house shares. They are more economical. Plenty of professional single people live in house shares. Of course it's not as nice as living in your own flat but I really think that it's the prospect of a step down (for the time being) is what is really upsetting you.

OK. First of all, have a massive hug!! Then make a cup of tea and settle down to read my massive reply. :)

1. Your DR is right that ADs can increase the risk of suicidal thoughts at the beginning. Might he be prepared to prescribe some if you could check in weekly with a councellor? I don't want you to disregard his advice, but do check again to see if he'd consider prescribing them. The reason is that ADs which stimulate serotonin (like SSRIs) will actually decrease your feelings of romantic love for your ex. Romantic love - and yearning, like you're experiencing - is chemically caused by a large decrease in serotonin. if you can raise yours, the feelings you are having will naturally decrease.

If you can't get serotonin raised by ADs, you'll have to raise it yourself. Google "raise serotonin naturally" and try to follow the suggestions every day, if you can. They'll be some certain foods, exercise, sunshine.

Go to the health shop and buy 5-HTP, it raises serotonin. It's about £24 (!!) but Holland & Barrett have it in their 1p sake so you could get two big bottles for £24.01. It REALLY works.

1. Next up, you are going to have to force yourself out of denial about this relationship ending. At the moment you're holding on to hope, which is self-protective, but a KILLER for stopping you moving forwards. This all feels like a bad dream, and you're reluctant to make any moves or rock the boat, in case your BF was just about to come back, and then you put him off.

Sadly, it doesn't sound like he is. He is being so clinical about things that I really think this is what he wants. So you need to accept that. IT WILL HURT but it's the old ripping-off-a-plaster analogy: accepting that he is gone, and not coming back, will HURT LIKE HELL for about 3 days, but then will fade. Living in your current half-life of hope will hurt you for YEARS.

1. Tell yourself he is gone for good, go to bed and wail for 48 hours straight, then look at what's left in your life. What's best for YOU now? I don't think living alone is a good idea at ALL. So can you find a flat share with a friend, or someone new, nearer your job? Most furnished flats won't require you to have any stuff, but your ex has said you can take anything, so feel free to keep the bed, appliances, etc.

1. I know you won't want to burden your friends with your misery, but you CANNOT get through this alone. So set up a rotation where you moan and cry with each of them separately. So Sally on Monday, Jane on Tuesday, Cathy on Weds, etc.

1. Please remember that this only happened a month ago, and that is NO TIME at all. This will hurt for a couple more months. So put your head down and just go through it.

Sayings that helped me through my divorce: "Everything will be OK in the end. If it's not OK, it's not the end." And, "If you're going through Hell, keep going."

1. Stop all contact with him. It will help you move on. In fact, remove all traces of his voice, face, and smell. Wash the sheets on the bed. Throw out any of his old clothes, delete his answerphone messages, pack away his photos in the house, and upload digital pictures of him (and both if you together) into Dropbox then DELETE then from your phone. Your body is currently addicted to him, and you must go cold-turkey. Every time you hear his voice, read his texts, see his face or bury your face in his old t-shirt, you reset the clock on your addiction to him. You need 8 solid weeks of NO BF to start moving ahead. That's why your old break-ups were easier -- you had far less contact with them after the split.

PM me whenever you like, if you ever need to rant/vent/moan/sob. I've been where you are first at 20, then at 38 and I never thought I'd get through it. But here I am! Happier than ever. Honestly!

It's always hard to move on from what is familiar but I remember your previous thread (made to sit in the back of your own car, etc) and although it is difficult, I can honestly say it sounds like you have dodged a bullet. 8 years is a long time to be with someone but could you imagine another 8 years of being treated like that?

Start small and work up; personally I would not want to live around the corner from him or his parents and would ask that he move back into the flat until the 6 month tenancy is over, whilst you find a houseshare closer to your palce of work so you're not spending as much on travel.

Sound advice from what's going on eh

Here's something else that might help.

Visualise youve had an operation. They've taken out your old broken heart because it's...broken.

They've left a tiny implant of a new heart in your body. Some cells that will regenerate and grow into a strong healthy heart.

But you must not peek. If you have an operation you wouldn't keep taking the stitches out would you because it never would heal.

So, you've got to let your new heart grow.

Nurture it every day. Tell it your sorry about what happened and you would have rather saved it from the pain that left it broken but it will grow back and it will heal and it will be better than the old one because it's going to be brand new.

So, you need to protect it. You are going to keep it from any influences that might hurt it like the old one got hurt.

You are going to surround it with love. You are going to cherish it and be kind to it.. You are going to make sure it gets good healthy food. You are going to make sure it gets plenty of rest.

You are not going to feed it noxious substances and all the while you will trust that it is growing healthy and strong within you.

The scars will heal. Bad memories from the old heart will fade away. Good memories will replace the bad ones.

Gradually you will forget about your heart.

Because you know it's back fully functional doing everything it used to do. It's strong and it stands on its own two feet just like all the other organs.

Then you know you are free to pick up the threads of your life because you allowed it to heal.

Thank you all. I'll keep reading these messages and hope it sinks in...

This morning has been a classic example. I woke up in tears. I checked my phone incase he'd called, although I know I've blocked his number. I stopped myself looking at Facebook. I tried not to think about him. I've tried to look after myself but by 10am I'd cried four times. I somehow focused on work. It's now 12:30 and I'm going to go for my daily walk because it gets me out of the house, but I've convinced myself that he'll realise he's wrong and he'll come back. I don't even know how. It's like a deep-down knowledge, although it's obviously wrong. I'll probably be fine for the rest of the day like this. I'll crumple a bit when I know he's finished work, and when I don't have work to distract me anymore, and I'll probably go to bed stupidly early and upset. And tomorrow it'll all happen again.

I've called my doctors. I've explained to the receptionist and I hope she's going to speak to the GP for me - either to see whether he'll consider medicine, or refer me to the counselling service.

This feels so cruel. I don't want to move. I don't want to start again. I don't really want to get out of bed but I'm afraid that as soon as I take a sick day and spend the day wallowing, I'll never stop, so I've made myself work every day since.

I'll walk, and think, and try to fight my head and look after myself. Thank you all. I feel like I'm insane.

You're not insane but you are going through a tremendously difficult time, and it sounds like a referral to a counselling service might help if there is one in your local area?

I know you wouldn't have chosen this path but, please do be kind to yourself. Even if you have been ill, this break-up is not just down to you and whatever perceived faults have been assigned to you (and no-one os perfect.) It sounds like he made the decision before even talking about it, which is horrible and not at all fair. If you were unaware it was going to happen it's no wonder it has floored you.

I think that's part of the problem. We talked about where we had each gone wrong, and together - in a productive, non-blamey, grown up way - and I thought that was a step towards making it better. Apparently it wasn't. I'm not sure what the point was...

I didn't see this happening. He'd say he didn't either, that he loves me and he's just making the best decision for us both, and that the first weeks we were apart were raw and intensely painful. But he's sticking to his decision so he's obviously fine. He doesn't seem to realise that I can't shut off my emotions like he has. He admitted that he's just distracting himself with his work and his parents, and avoiding places and things that remind him of me. That's never worked for me.

Today I have emptied out the fridge (Mortifyingly, I hadn't done it since he left, or really been eating, so there was a lot of out-of-date food) and ordered the first shop since he left, to come tomorrow.

No call back from the doctors yet. I'm feeling a bit tearful and fragile now but I do have a kidney infection to contend with too, and it got quite a bit worse after all of my crying yesterday.

Not long until I can go to bed. I'm so cold and sad.

The thing is, he's probably worked all this out in his head (the decision to split I mean) and then landed it on you. So he had the advantage of being prepared whereas it's hit you like a tonne of bricks.

As it does flippinada.
No one just leaves on the spur of the moment. They think and p,an for months.

I had my valentines and birthday presents, slushy cards and after that he dropped the bombshell.

Knowing me sentimental old fool , the cards were probably still up!

Exactly so Dowser.

It strikes me, reading back over your OP, that he's actually behaving in quite a calculating and unkind way. Keeping you dangling in case he changes his mind.

I think, if he genuinely had your best interests at heart, he wouldn't be doing that.