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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sudden Violent Rage

25 replies

lonelydove · 08/11/2006 13:06

I have been with my partner for around 2 years now, we were very close friends (but not romantically) for years before. We moved in together after a few months of becoming "romantically involved".

I knew he had a really bad temper, he had no patience and had had a bad upbringing so violence is normal to him although he always had a strong disgust for domestic violence after experiencing it at it's worst as a child.

He drinks alot, most nights he will drink and he also suffers from chronic depression, he can be the funniest, most lovable man one minute and the next he'll go quiet and will react violently or aggressivly to any man who says the wrong thing (or sometimes if they even look at him the wrong way), he does have a bit of a reputation as a "nutter" which I think he does play on sometimes, if only to impress "the lads".

He had never been violent to me before although arguments did quickly spiral out of control with him and he'd break things etc but last night it was different. We were having a kiss and a cuddle and he tried to take it further, I said I couldnt as I had to go out so he said "why the fuck are you all over me then?" I said I didn't realise he was out of bounds unless sex was involved and he got angry and pushed me off him. I stood up, called him an arsehole (I know I shouldn't have done) and he went mental throwing his cup at the wall and came charging towards me asking me to repeat what I'd said. I was scared and I ran into the bedroom hoping he'd just shout something through the door and storm out but he didn't, he came in, grabbed me and pinned me up against the wall telling me to repeat what I'd said , I told him I was sorry (I was scared) but he wouldn't have it, just kept repeating himself getting more and more angry. In the end I tried to get away from him and push past him but he slammed me back against the wall, I tried to hit him and he threw me to the floor and pinned me up against the bed going on about who was in control and who "had the upper hand now" as if it's usually me. I tried to grab the phone to call the police and he grabbed it from me and thew it across the room then pinned me to the floor and raised his fist as if he was going to punch me in the face. I was terrified and I screamed and he just stopped, looked at me and then said "I'm so sorry" and walked out of the room.

He never actually hit me but he did hurt me, it's the first time this has ever happened, I havn't spoken to him since and he has been very quiet. I still feel like calling the police but I know he's depressed and he's already tried to take his own life once before. What should I do? he obviously realised what he was doing was wrong so is it likely to be a one off?

I'm so angry but more hurt (emotionally), I don't want our relationship to end.

OP posts:
ggglimpopo · 08/11/2006 13:14

Message withdrawn

colditz · 08/11/2006 13:17

He's going to hit you at some point in the future. Don't make allowances for him because he has had a violent upbringing. It doesn't make it any more acceptable for him to hit you. And he will.

frumpygrumpy · 08/11/2006 13:22

Sweetheart, this man has issues and you have to decide whether he has it in him to seek out help and put into practice the help he is offered.

Please do not tolerate this type of behaviour. It is no way to live.

What went before for him is truly awful but unchangeable and he must decide how he wants to go forward.

Your priority must be yourself. If you are running scared you are no help to him. You can only help him help himself if you are in a strong position. Stay strong xxx.

bizzi · 08/11/2006 13:25

Oh Lonelydove, he will do it again, it's behaviour he's learnt from a young age and patterns he'll find very hard to change. If the cycle starts with you it will continue. He needs help for his emotional control - anger management.

Do you have children?

noddyholder · 08/11/2006 13:25

Agree walk away now before you get seriously hurt.He has serious anger issues and he needs to sort them out-not you.I am assuming you don't have kids if you do start packing today!

mumblechum · 08/11/2006 13:26

I know everyone always goes on about Relate, but it seems to me this is a textbook case for some sort of counselling. You don't, I presume, want to end the relationship, but you'll have to if there's a repeat of his behaviour.
I come across a lot of DV in my job (I'm a divorce lawyer) and I have met people who have been on the brink of divorce but who've salvaged their marriage because they've both worked really, really hard at it.
If I were in your shoes, I'd write a letter telling him how his behaviour has affected you. In otherwords, not saying "you did this that and the other", but, (eg), "I don't feel safe in my own home, I need ...(fill in blanks). State that if the relationship is to continue, he HAS to get some counselling and you'll give him all the support he needs, but that if he doesn't get help, you won't be able to continue with the relationship.
Leave the letter and go out for as long as possible, pref. overnight to give him time to really think about his behaviour.
Then, just take it as it comes. If you need any legal advice (if things go truly pear shaped), you can email me on [email protected].

NotActuallyAMum · 08/11/2006 13:27

"Is it likely to be a one off?"

Does it really matter? You're quite clearly scared of this man

I lived for 12 years with a man who sounds a lot like him. He never hit me but would regularly smash up ornaments/punch holes in doors etc. It was like living with a ticking timebomb - I'd never know when he was going to explode next or what would trigger it. Sound familiar?

Avalon · 08/11/2006 13:27

Ditch him. Been there and it's not nice.

fairyfly · 08/11/2006 13:29

Even if he never hit you in the future he has crossed the line. You will from now on live in fear, jump everytime he raises his voice, pussy foot arond him so you never get him angry. Basically lose your soul. It is the slipperly slope of becoming a nervous wreck and loosing your confidence.

To walk away also helps him as he needs the consequence to his actions. If he can get away with it he will do it again.

Nothing you can do can make this man sort his head out either, only when he is on his own can he do that.

divastrop · 08/11/2006 21:16

he has been violent,and he will do it again if you stay with him.it may be in a few days ,weeks or months,but it will happen.
of course,you are in shock and want to belive it wont happen again as you dont want your relationship to be over.
i think you would be best to take mumblechum's advice and tackle this in a strong,assertive way.

lonelydove · 08/11/2006 23:03

I have spoken to him, I told him he really scared me and I thought he was going to hit me, he said he didnt know what came over him and he would never have actually hit me. He broke his own arm once punching a brick wall and he has self harmed before too burning himself with cigerettes , I can't finish with him, I just don't know how to help him.

OP posts:
Pennies · 08/11/2006 23:09

LEAVE

Pennies · 08/11/2006 23:10

NOW!

Tortington · 08/11/2006 23:16

angar management - get him to go to doctors - get him to go. if he wants you - he will do the work

Fattymumma · 08/11/2006 23:17

the very best case scenario is that he will have therpay or anger managment and will become a great loving partner for you.

unfortuantely the most likely is that he will become violent towards you and spend yearsa hitting you, it is this low level violance that is the beggining to every abusers "career"

the worst case is that you end up dead.

If the first is to happen he needs to decide that that is what he wants. my advice would be to leave and explain to him that you think he shoudl receive councelling.

do not allow yourself to feel guilt. depression is no excuse for violance and any claims of suicide are his won demons and you are not repsonsible for those feelings.

Leave him, and if he gets the help he needs you can always rekindle yrou relationship at a later date

rickman · 08/11/2006 23:22

Message withdrawn

plibble · 08/11/2006 23:24

Lonelydove, I know you want to help him, but these sound like problems that need professional help. If I were you I would leave (especially if you have children). Stay away until you are sure these problems are resolved and he has obtained the help that he needs. If he won't get that help, then you need to consider whether you want to continue with him. Do not stay and try to get him to get help while living with him, as it may happen again.

If he loves you and wants you to move back, he will do more than just promise it won't happen again.

PleaseTakeThisSeriously · 09/11/2006 00:11

Many years ago the same happened to me, 11.00am in the morning, one Valentine's Day, would you believe, when I lost my temper with my exh because I was exhausted with a 4 month old baby and wanted him to help me. I knew he had violent tendencies, and he too had spoken of his disgust with dv, and although he had been verbally agressive towards me before, he had never been physically aggressive. That morning he went berserk.

I fled, babe in arms, in shock, not knowing where to go or what to do, and ended up at The Samaritans where a very well-meaning and kindly lady gave me tea and biscuits and told me we could get help and it would all work out. After walking the streets, frightened, hurt, confused and ashamed, I went back to my home. exh was out and when he returned he was heartbroken, promised it would never happen again, promised to get help, and I stayed.

6 months later it happened again, and then again 5 or 6 months after that, and again some months after that. Each time the violence escalated and my sanity and well being diminished. Each time he wept, apologised, begged and promised it would never happen again.

Eventually I left.

Fast forward 10 years and my ds enters his teens. Despite the 10 years of safety, calm and a very good life, depite my ds being bright, funny, kind and loving, suddenly he starts to demonstrate his father's aggressive traits. In the genes? Perhaps. Although it also it became evident that the behaviour in the home for those years, behaviour that I thought was well hidden from him (not in front of the kids, dear) had wound itself in and was now coming out. It's taken me some years of bloody hard work and sheer determination to deal with this, and to better equip my son to be a decent man.

I have often thought of the woman in The Samaritans that day and many, many times I have wished that she'd said to me what many people are now saying to you, especially those who have been there, myself included - such behaviour is unacceptable, it is intolerable, go now or get him to go. Let him sort himself out, and maybe he will and maybe he wont. Even without this latest incident you are living with a man for whom 'violence is normal' and with whom 'arguments spiral out of control'. This is not a sudden violent rage, it's an escalation. Please, please, please do not compromise yourself or your kids, assuming you have kids, for a single moment longer.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/11/2006 07:39

Lonelydove,

Re your comment:-
"I can't finish with him, I just don't know how to help him".

You have this the wrong way around - you can finish with him, you cannot help him. The only one who can help himself is him and he has to date chosen not to. Its hard to take yes, but he is not your problem to try and "fix" here.

He didn't know what came over him - oh he knew exactly what he was doing to you. This is about power and control over another human being.

You cannot act as someone's rescuer or saviour in a relationship. You are putting yourself in greater danger by staying with someone who is so unstable. How many more times are you prepared to be used as a verbal and physical punchbag?.

Another way to look at this is if a friend was telling you all this what would you say in response?. Doubtless the very same as what is being said to you here.

divastrop · 09/11/2006 17:48

there are many women on this site who have been through domesic abuse and you will read the same thing over and over again,that it started out 'small' and escalated over time.you will find excuses for the behaviouor and think that your partner is different to all the other abusive men.
but sadly,they are pretty much all the same .they even seem to have a script(my exp 'dint know what came over him' and only hit me cos he was 'depressed' or 'under stress'-not because he was a wife beater,you understand)and trot out the same lines about being sorry etc.

and women in abusive relationships churn out the same lines(i know i did)'he didnt actually hit me''he knows hes done wrong and i want to help him'.

please think about leaving.

frumpygrumpy · 09/11/2006 23:58

great post pleasetakethisseriously. Sad for you but well posted xxx.

mumblechum · 10/11/2006 08:44

Oh yes, and another line is "she wouldn't listen to me so I had to get her attention another way"
sound familiar?

georgie34 · 10/11/2006 09:48

You're probably sick of hearing it but you really must leave if you possibly can. You must believe that you're worth so much more. There are so many lovely men out there who wouldn't dream of treating you this way - and being on your own would be preferable, believe me. It won't get better. My mother is nearly forty years into a similar relationship where she stayed for the sake of her children, because she thought she had nowhere else to go, that it was in some way 'her fault' for aggravating him or that things would change. She has had an awful life, and as her daughter I think she did the wrong thing both for herself and her children. A climate of fear and apprehension is no basis for a relationship or family life.

JennyLeevesmilkandcookiesforSa · 10/11/2006 10:20

homeless acommodation if you have kids and even if you don't would only be temporary, you can call your local council ask to be put through to the homeless department and if you tell them what happened they will help you. you would be accomodated somewhere within days and you dont need momney straight away . see the other similar thread, called 'I wish my ds would fuff off'. So you shoudl let him be or move out and be his girlfriend. dont stay and go along as if nothing has happened. and I know this is a true fact, he will do it again, he will and it will be worse next time. it is as if every time they do it hte boundary has been broken and then they push a little harder each time, an dthey aslway either ignore you after or cry like babies and beg, its a thing they do it is not an illness

Dior · 10/11/2006 10:26

Message withdrawn

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