I need to learn to be assertive with my bounday-crossing parents - how does this sound?

[thelastflame]

"when you visit us in our home and criticise it, ask personal questions and try to dictate our way of life to us it makes for a fraught visit. If you respect our privacy I'm sure your visits will be more enjoyable".

It sounds fine... if you parents are normal.

If one of both of them are personality disordered, prepare for a barrage of abuse, emotional blackmail, and guilt tripping.

It sounds good. I would say it as they were leaving though! Might be a very tense visit otherwise.......

If I said this to my (boundary crossing/abusive) parents, they would reply with variations of:

"Who do you think you are? Miss high and mighty. Shall we also kiss your feet on the way out?"

"Oh we're suddenly formal are we? You weren't so formal when (highly traumatising/embarrassing past event) happened.."

"If you didn't have so many issues, and weren't as difficult a person as you are, we wouldn't have a need to say any of these things to you."

Ok, my Dad's a control freak extraodrinaire and I'm fairly sure my Mum's a narc.

Option 3) on your list is highly likely tommee

It's so fucking hard trying to deal with these people..

would it work to quietly arrange less visits? to pick up the phone less (get caller ID) and to suddenly be busy more often? To be just on the point of going out when they call? When they make personal comments, to change the subject (especially onto them, they'll like that).

If they are control freaks then it's not going to be easy at all, but if you can provide a wall of fog that they can't get hold of it will make it easier for you (and be frustrating to them but that's what you get for being intrustive).

Thanks Meerka, I'm working on all of those things and getting somewhere - I've reduced visits this year and stopped calling, they know something's up but I think they've decided that DH is being abusive or something and that's what's behind it (DH is so far from abusive it's laughable, but they'll never, ever work out that it's anything that they'd done so I think they've decided it's him).

There's a visit coming up in a couple of weeks and I'm fretting already. So hard not to rise to their comments and just let them wash all over me. How do I learn to be less sensitive?

I have found one thing that works with my Mum when she's asking questions is "why do you want to know?" she acts all affronted but can't answer it as she's blatantly being nosey.

I might up that to "that's a very personal question"...

some people find Bingo useful. there was a funny thread on it recently actually, someone who had to endure a 3 day wekeend with an entire extended family. They got through by marking off in their head every time someone came up with an inappropriately nosy or unpleasant comment, or every time they got a Flounce, or gave unwanted and destructive 'advice' etc.

Another trick is to think of them as (extremely badly mannered) strangers. Put your professional client/customer handling face on. It will really annoy them btw :)

How long are they coming for? Is there any way at all you can cut it down or avoid a visit in future?

Also watch out for their influence on your children if you have any. If they come over nicey-nicey, that can be worse than cutting comments but neither are ok. Both can do damage.

They're here for 3 days. I've tried to arrange lots of things for them to do with the DC so I don't have to spend too much time with them.

Bingo is a good idea! I might try that! I need to unlearn my defensive responses and basically learn to laugh at the situation.

Have been trialling a bit of the customer/client thing too, actually. Well, not that exactly - but, for e.g. when my Dad makes a rude comment about me in the guise of a 'joke' instead of responding by trying to defend myself as I usually do I just gaze at him in an uncomprehending fashion. It's really pissing him off.

I just need to get to a place where there words and actions can't hurt me anymore. Hate myself for feeling annoyed/upset by the things they say.

Hi flame,

re your comment:-

"Have been trialling a bit of the customer/client thing too, actually. Well, not that exactly - but, for e.g. when my Dad makes a rude comment about me in the guise of a 'joke' instead of responding by trying to defend myself as I usually do I just gaze at him in an uncomprehending fashion. It's really pissing him off".

"I just need to get to a place where there words and actions can't hurt me anymore. Hate myself for feeling annoyed/upset by the things they say".

I would not just be annoyed, I would feel very angry with both parents for making me feel that way in the first place. You seem very much in FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) with regards to them which is not surprising either.

I would cancel their visit nearer the time; cite family illness or some such. BTW who invited them?. Raise your own boundaries a lot higher with regards to these people. I would also suggest you post on the "stately homes" thread on these pages. Read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward.

It is NOT your fault they are the ways they are; you did not cause them to act that way. Remember too that "no" is a complete sentence.

If they are too toxic for you to deal with its the same deal for your vulnerable and defenceless children as well. They were not good parents to you and are likely to be poor grandparent figures to your children as well. I would keep them well away from your children, narcissists in particular make for being deplorably bad grandparents.

Our parents know exactly which buttons to push! I looked for that thread and couldnt spot it unfortunately, but it was great on the bingo. It sounds like you're actually finding good ways to cope with their nastiness though. Hopefully they won't ramp it up as you start to become untouchable.

Hi Attila,

Thanks - I have read Toxic Parents. For reasons too complicated to go into I can't/don't want to go no contact at this moment in time so am therefore attempting to establish a different relationship with them.

Meerka, yes exactly that. I'm so fed up of the button pushing. To be honest, they aren't taking too kindly to my new boundaries so there is a part of me that's hoping they'll instigate an argument from which I can say I don't like their behaviour and don't want to see them for the time being..

hm, if you're quietly hoping for an argument then polite-but-overt challenging might work a treat rather than going for the ungrippable-fog approach. The combination of narc partner + controlling partner is an explosive one.

I tried to set boundaries and coping strategies with my Narc family members. I personally found that it was like playing mental chess with them.

It was almost as if I was sinking to their level. Every text or phone call was so difficult. Everything I said was taken out of context. Last summer was the end of so many years of absolute hell with it all.

It was all so passive aggressive, with me as the scapegoat. Told wrong times for events so we would arrive three hours late springs to mind, why would I be late for a family picnic that was for my two kids as well? It was their 13th and 16th birthdays!! How crap is that to do that to your grandchildren? But then, to deny it and make it look my fault. Hmm, didn't work as I had her on speaker when she rang and told me the time so DP and DCs heard her tell me the time.

I went NC, never looked back.

Last time I saw my parents I used silence with great effect. When my father made a jokey insult, instead of rising to him, I just left a silence and looked at him. Sometime with a head tilt. It made him look like a nasty man, rather than the funny man he imagines. I also went to bed very early to avoid my father after he'd much to drink.

It's true that you can't change them BUT you can change the nature of your interactions. I managed a whole visit without a raging argument or ending up in tears. I'm not sure what is healthier in the long term though.

I also highly recommend emigration.

Kapai, thank you - I've found that works well with my Dad too. Though it makes him increasingly pissed off and I can see him wanting to blame me for something but not actually being able to.

Eenie, yours sound a nightmare :(

Silence is the best weapon. Followed by a subject change.