I have been with my boyfriend for a year now.
Before we got together I had been single for three months and had just recovered from a toxic relationship and was feeling the best I had ever felt, I was confident, happy, outgoing, bubbly.
So anyway the first three months with my boyfriend were amazing...I was a bit dubious at first as I hadn't been single for long, but I thought as long as he is making me happy (which he was, why not?). I went into the relationship cool, not rushing into anything, seeing eachother regularly but not all the time and taking it slow. (In my last relationship I grew to be insecure and needy, which I didn't want to do again because I felt my ex didn't show me that he loved me but said he did and I ended up confused). Anyway about three months into the relationship my boyfriend tells me he doesn't know how I feel about him; which confused me because I was affectionate with him and totally myself but I wouldn't be hanging off of him every time we saw each other. That was our first argument. I was completely dazed about what he had said my actions were true but hadn't physically told him I loved him. Anyway I told him that I was enjoying the relationship, didn't want to be needy. He wanted me to open up and be needy if that's what I wanted. (In hindsight I realise that being needy or rather co-dependant on someone grows over time as does love). As time went on, we started bickering a lot more (we both like to be the dominant one in the relationship, he basically wants someone to be submissive and him take charge etc) and after six months I was starting to have doubts. But I thought I was being petty and unsure if I was overreacting, so I didn't act in haste and tried to stick with the relationship. Anyway at 8 months it was still the same, arguing with eachother, we had moved in together due to me wanting to get out of parents house and him being closer to work as he lived far away so it made sense at the time. I had stress from exams and I took it out on him, which wasn't fair I admit, I can be quite stroppy! Anyway 9 months together and still arguing, but when it was good it was great, we would have so much fun together. We went to a work christmas party (we work at same company) and we had an argument that night. He was trying to be apologetic but I was just stubborn and trying to enjoy myself without him. He ended up smoking that evening after doing so well to give up, and that was another argument as he knows I hate smoking. Next day he went out with his friends and he left his phone at home, so I checked his facebook. In his search history, He had been looking up a girl that we work with, he has checked out her profile about 15 times on different occasions. I got upset as he once joked that he used to facebook stalk people he liked. Anyway, when I confronted him he said that he had been unhappy with all the arguing but didn't fancy her but intrigued. He mentioned maybe instinctively he was looking as we wasn't happy in the relationship. He told me that he loved me and no one else and wanted only me!
We broke up for two weeks a I needed to think but we realised how much we loved eachother so gave it another go. It turns out he told his family everything when I asked him to keep our relationship to ourselves. This upset me too. At first it was great to be back together but
since then I have been insecure in myself and the relationship. We have had many arguments about it, and trying to move on. But I can't help thinking that next time he is 'unhappy' he will start looking around. It makes me very insecure and I'm losing my confidence.
I started taking the pill at 6 months in to relationship and wondering if this is also making me more sensitive and emotional? I'm insecure but he tells me he loves me and wants me, this other girl is "nothing and just a work friend, she doesn't have the characteristics he wants in a wife". He is affectionate and loving and is making an effort but there is something that doesn't feel right to me. I am battling with the thought that I should go with my gut and break up with him as it doesn't feel right and I'm not happy, but at the same time he hasn't done anything "wrong", its just me battling with my insecurities!! He is a wonderful person and it was a mistake of me to check out his facebook and can't take that back. I've caused more stress to myself by letting my thoughts run away and spiral out of control at times. I feel I'm maybe being silly and should make it work as he is wonderful and everything I would want, but at the same time not happy in myself. Do I break up with him or work at it (as this will probably only happen again with the next guy)....