BDD, boyfriend and other women

[FolkGirl]

A GP friend of mine suggested to me recently that I might have bdd. I think she's probably right. I'm not self diagnosing, just using it as shorthand to describe how utterly wretched and revolting I feel I am. I make myself feel physically sick and regularly have fantasies of self harming to rid myself of my most hideous features.

I've been seeing someone for about 3 months. For the first half, my feelings of self hatred were pretty much nonexistent. Now they have come back with a vengence. I keep making excuses to avoid meeting his friends because I'm ashamed of how fat and ugly I am and feel they will judge me negatively. He really could do better.

His ex was slim and pretty. I am not. He is an actor and is surrounded by young slim pretty women. I am not. He has no idea how I feel about myself.

I know I couldn't tolerate him being intimate with another woman even acting.

Please tell me I'm right in thinking I need to end it for his sake, if not mine.

Thanks

Just to clarify, I think the bdd explains the extreme reaction I have to myself, rather than thinking I might be disordered in my thinking. I have mirrors. It's not good.

Regardless of bdd, life is not all about looks. Get that sorted in your head. Thinking about how I look makes me feel sick too, maybe in a bdd way. I know I don't make other people feel sick though, no one cares how I look really. Your boyfriend obviously likes you, looks and all. You need to learn to believe that how you look isn't what you are judged on.

It would be a shame to give up on him because you feel inadequate. Two realistic options, get over it, or date on your perceived attractiveness level... So, counselling? Or only date people who also make you feel physically sick?!

Thank you.

It's hard. It's not something I think would be addressed by going out with someone unattractive. This is about me, not them.

But thank you.

Yes, I think you should end it. Not because you're too hideous to be with, but because it doesn't sound like you're in a good place right now mentally, and you're going to end up torturing yourself with insecurities.

Have you considered getting some help with this BDD? (or whatever it may be)

I think you should concentrate on who you are on the inside instead of your physical appearance. Perhaps you should visit your GP to discuss the possibility of counselling or CBT.

Sorry to say but I don't think your relationship will work until you resolve these issues.

Thanks. I did go about cbt before, but I don't qualify because I was seen as already doing the things I 'should' be (hobbies to raise my self esteem) and considered to have very good insight (I know why I have so much self hatred).

The problem is that to change how I feel, I'd have to believe my starting point is flawed. And I don't think it is.

I spent 13 yrs with a man who didn't fancy me. He cared for me platonicly, but dididn't love me as a husband should. After that, I dated a man for nearly a year who thought I was 'lovely', but was still on dating sites behind my back. My biggest appeal was that I wasn't fanciable and so less likely to stray.

I had always harboured the idea that I was possibly ok really and just couldn't see it because of the shit my mother fed me. But I've got to the point now where I feel a fool to have ever thought like that. I have physical qualities that are mocked for being unattractive. Even if Iost weight, I'd still be unattractive so it's not even just about weight.

I probably shouldn't have posted about it. I just sound whiney now. But thanks.

I think your starting point is flawed. Maybe I am wrong, but you seem to be saying that you could fix yourself if you could feel you look ok. I think the starting point is before that: Looks are not important. Who you are as a person is.

I don't think that you can believe anyone would value you at all. That's understandable, from what you have posted about your mother and your exs. I'm sure you are lovely, you come across as lovely here.

Thanks blizzard. Yes, I think I probably am saying that.

I know that who you are inside is important, but don't know how I can expect anyone to fancy or love me if I'm unattractive. And i certainly don't know how I can expect someone to prioritse me over other women or remain faithful.

I've had 3 proper relationships as an adult and all 3 of them cheated on me. How can I ever hope to be enough to hold someone's interest long term? I don't really expect an answer to that.

Well I've had 4 longterm relationships as an adult and in 3 of those I was cheated on, and I think I'm pretty attractive. Just... lots of people cheat, and I'm more nosy cunning about finding the evidence than a lot of women.

I think your history with cheating men is probably more down to you picking wrong'uns due to your low self-esteem, which seems from what you've said to be going back to your upbringing.

Are you in a position to be able to look for a therapist privately? Many therapists will do sliding scale fees based on your income. Have a look on the BACP website.

You deserve to feel better about yourself, you really do.

I think your previous partners cheated because they were cheats, not because you didn't have some mysterious quality that would hold their exclusive attention. A lot of people are unfaithful, a quick look at MN tells me that. You were unlucky, not unlovable.

Yeah it was them not you. Most people are decent and faithful. Some are not, and will be unfaithful regardless. No reflection on you.

If this guy has been seeing you for 3 months he must really like you, looks and all. If he is decent, he won't cheat. You don't need to do anything except be your lovely self.

No, I'm not able to pay for counselling privately. I think I'd need something pretty 'strong'. I've already been as far as I can with -'everyday' counselling.

I think I just feel like I'm only good enough to be a stop gap. I think that's what makes me vulnerable to being cheated on. Because the long term intent was never there in the first place. I feel like I need to begin any relationship with the caveat that I know I'm not good enough and when they meet someone they really want to be with, then I'll understand. I don't, obviously, but then the fact I haven't also causes me anxiety because I feel like they think I'm foolish and deluded and laughable and I want them to know that I get it.

My ex was always very critical of other women. He didn't criticise me directly, but was very critical of women who were slimmer and prettier than me and their flaws.

It's exhausting! :(