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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Elderly relatives vs wife and kids

47 replies

peppajay · 09/05/2015 18:53

To all intents and purposes I am a single mother as my dh isn't really involved as he can't do kids they are too loud and get in his way. I wish I could leave him but would feel too guilty for breaking the family up. I have no support I do everything And never get a break! He does sooooo much for everyone else he is so kind hearted and everyone loves him he cares for 6 of his elderly relatives and also my grandma - he relates to OAP's so well and without his help most of them would be in a home but he would not let this happen! When he is not at work he is with one of the old people NOT with his kids and wife I sound jealous of a bunch of 80 and 90 yr olds but he chooses them over us. I know he doesn't like family life and finds it really hard so not sure if he is using these elderly relatives as an escape route from us. If I ask him to look after one of the Children as I have something to do with the other one he generally can't do it as he has some appointment with one if the relatives it or he needs to go and make sure that my nan has heated her dinner up thoroughly!! My daughter has a friend for a sleepover tonight but he is gone to sleep at my nans, he will cook her meals for the week and then play cards or backgammon, thus way he doesn't have to listen to kids having fun (or in his words hyper excited kids singing Jessie j songs all night with no respect for the adults in the house!!) I have spoken to him several times but he says without him they wouldn't cope when I say what about his wife and kids he just says I am such a good mum and cope with the kids so well - better than him and that he is needed more to help with the old people! Any advice on how to play this I just want a proper husband and a father and have no life at the moment . Ps I know I sound bitter and jealous but just want a family!!!!

OP posts:

Filthyandgorgeous · 10/05/2015 08:31

What an unusual set-up. I have never heard of anyone taking on the care of 6 elderly people just because they want to.

Well you know where you stand with him as he has been entirely honest by saying he can't stand being around the kids. But how sad for you and your children.

I wouldn't put up with it and I wouldn't worry what other people think or what they say. He sounds adamant so you are not going to change him. Do you want to live this way?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/05/2015 08:34

He cannot cope with your son on the ASD spectrum but expects you to do so along with looking after his other children. Why did he have children at all or did he really see children as a woman's job.

Hasn't he also been supremely unhelpful in actually supporting you with regards to your son being diagnosed with AS also?. Did he go into denial of your son's additional needs?.

If your DH has not been at all formally assessed, let alone clinically assessed you cannot blithely assume he is on the spectrum; you may well be wrong!.

Your H is a selfish being who is wanting to receive power and recognition for his efforts outside the home. He receives all that from outside the home. He sees no problem and you will not be able to do anything to change that mindset of his.

Friends and family can be over invested and are not always helpful re advice. Also they do not see his overall lack of effort/interest in family life because you also enable this and cover for him.

I think counselling for your own self would be helpful, BACP are good and do not charge the earth.

Original poster

peppajay · 10/05/2015 08:41

Reading all these messages does make me think maybe I should leave him but realistically how does this happen - he would never leave us as he loves the house too much and can see no problem with the relationship. He is the provider and works hard to provide for us I have very little of my own money as I only work part time so if I leave the home with them voluntarily I will not have anywhere to go or enough money to rent somewhere!

OP posts:

Nolim · 10/05/2015 08:44

You say that he wont go to counselling. Will you go by yourself?

he would never leave us as he loves the house too much
Did i just read that??

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/05/2015 08:53

"he would never leave us as he loves the house too much and can see no problem with the relationship".

Did he actually say that he loves the house too much?!. What an entitled person he is.

He will not leave because he is getting what he wants out of this relationship along with receives his requisite validation outside the home. He gets to pick and choose where he wants to be and his visits home likely never last all that long. Also you still clean house and cook for everyone including him.

If anyone should be leaving the family home it is him and not you and these children. They need stability and as little disruption as possible, why should you have to leave?. I would seek legal advice re separation from him primarily because knowledge is power.

If he won't go to counselling then go on your own.

Original poster

peppajay · 10/05/2015 08:57

I would love to go to counselling but was ways under the impression you had to go as a couple not alone. I will definitely look into it as I really do not know the next step and how to make that next step by doing the best for the family!!

OP posts:

Dowser · 10/05/2015 09:08

No you can certainly see someone alone.

This is one instance where I would love to hear his side of things.

It's weird.

Does he do nothing with the family.

It doesn't add up some how.

You must be getting something out of the relationship as you describe I'm as loving.

Don't throw the baby out with the bath water.go to counselling and then see if he will come along.

Dowser · 10/05/2015 09:08

Him not im

tribpot · 10/05/2015 09:14

So his mum 'couldn't cope' with children. Now he 'can't cope' with children. See a pattern? Why did he even have children, then? I'm not suggesting his doesn't love them but he has no interest in them.

A lot of your posts focus on what on other people think. As Miriam González Durántez, said last week, other people don't ask me for my opinion on how they should live, why would I seek their opinion on how I should live? It doesn't matter what other people think.

Penfold007 · 10/05/2015 09:19

Peppajay your dh checked out of your relationship long ago. The caring for the OAPs is a smoke screen. You need to start your survival pack, make sure you have copies of important documents and an account with emergency fund in it.
When the first OAP dies and leaves the house to DH he'll be off like a shot.
In the mean get brave, next time he graces you with his presence grab your coat and bag, go out for so me time.

AnyFucker · 10/05/2015 09:22

Your husband sounds either very, very odd or very calculating

the sound of him is making my skin crawl.

does he do "personal" care for all these elderly people ?

Nolim · 10/05/2015 09:25

This is one instance where I would love to hear his side of things.

Me too. But i guess he sees parenting as a chore rather that a responsibility. Like when you say since i enjoy cooking and you dont i will cook but you do the dishes. In this case it is i look after the old ones, you look after the young ones since i dont enjoy it.

Original poster

peppajay · 10/05/2015 12:51

We sort of came to an agreement a few years ago I do kids he does housework and cleaning he loves cleaning and is good at it, it worked well at first but I then started to resent the fact that if I needed them to be looked after he wouldn't do it. As time has gone on the old people need more doing as they are getting frailer and he is happy to help as he enjoys gardening cleaning etc. GIve him a child and a football or a jigsaw puzzle and he is so out of his comfort zone he will run a mile . Asked him about counselling this morning and he refuses point blank as he sees no problem at all but I am going to go alone as I need to know how and where I stand if I want to end to it.

OP posts:

Penfold007 · 10/05/2015 13:40

Ah so you both made an agreement but you no longer want to follow it. Go to the counselling and work out what you want to do and how you do it. Just make sure he has responsibility for his share of the childcare.

temporarilyjerry · 10/05/2015 13:51

Did you tell him that, Peppa?

DistanceCall · 10/05/2015 15:00

It's one thing having one parent do most of the chores related to children. This is what happens when one of the parents stays at home, or works much less than the other one. But it's another thing entirely when the parent who is not "in charge" of the chores related to children does NOTHING WHATSOEVER regarding the children.

You can divide tasks, by all means. You can't abdicate your responsibility as a parent (if you are a halfway decent person, that is). And why on earth would anyone have children if he doesn't like spending time with them?

Original poster

peppajay · 10/05/2015 15:33

He was so different when I met him and so loving and kind kids just turned him into a totally different person to the kind funny man I married!! So no he prob shouldn't have had kids but now he has them it would be great if he could do something with them once in a while!!

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/05/2015 15:39

He will not do that also because he thinks he is doing nothing wrong here.
Am sure he is indeed all sweetness and light to them in the outside world but you and by turn your children are really seeing his true nature.

Did you ever discuss the whole having children issue with him before they came into being?. What did he say back then?.

Do your children ever say to you, "where's dad"?" or have they stopped asking.

I'd like to know Peppa what exactly you get out of this relationship. What needs of yours are being met here?. Can you actually answer that at all even in your own mind.

DistanceCall · 10/05/2015 15:40

Yes, it would be great if he did something with his children now and then.

He's telling you he doesn't want to.

You can't make him change his mind. The only thing that MIGHT work would be a swift kick up the arse - shocking him into action. And to do this, you've got to disrupt his cosy routine.

Personally, I would tell him that I would divorce unless he started behaving like a father pronto. And follow through if he didn't.

DistanceCall · 10/05/2015 15:45

Because basically what you're teaching your children is that Daddy doesn't give a shit about them and that's all right and Mummy allows it and they should put up with it.

Just imagine how that will affect their future relationships.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/05/2015 15:53

Ah yes their future relationship with you both when they are adults. They will not ever want to see their dad ever (I doubt very much he will ever see them much if at all particularly if he has already left by then) but particular scorn could be reserved for you.

What sort of childhood memories do they and will they have particularly if you stay married to this man?. You have a choice re him, your children do not.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/05/2015 15:56

Sons learn how to treat women by watching their fathers. As a father models respect and admiration for women, his son will emulate these behaviors. Furthermore, the son learns how to be a father. When dad is present and interested his child’s life, the child feels important and loved.

If dad is disinterested in his children, the children have a higher chance of having low levels of self-worth and self-esteem. Children who are neglected may begin to believe that because they are not important to their father, maybe they aren't important to anyone. When a child feels love and interest from their parents their confidence and self-esteem increase; enabling them to go after their dreams and ambitions, because they know their parents will be there for them, supporting them.

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