DS (2) asked about NC father and I cried - how to handle?

[woowoo22]

Have posted about this before, sort of.

Ex h left last year, his choice for NC.

We have a lovely, calm, happy life now, I have never once regretted the decision to get rid of the EA bastard.

DS asked for him a bit after he left, he was about 18m then. It was easy to distract and also to say Daddy's not here but Mummy will always be here.

Now he is far more verbal and obv has a greater understanding of what I'm saying. He asked for Daddy this morning and said Daddy here soon? and went to the door. Then Daddy x 50 times. It broke my heart once fucking again that the git has just ditched him (and is now shagging some other poor deluded soul in the other end of the country according to the dreaded FB, to which I think meh, crack on, keeps him from bothering me) and so I cried.

Tried to explain to him that "Daddy" wasn't nice to us and won't be coming back. Then cried in front of him and he said Mummy crying, arghgh. He shouldn't see that. I don't want to say Daddy was bad as don't want him associating the word bad with someone disappearing?

Anyone have wise words for the next time?

I think this morning was precipitated by lunch with friend the other day who mentions Daddy to her son quite a bit ie lets get this bread for Daddy blah blah.

Heartbreaking as it is, you need to be honest with him in his age terms. Don't give him false hope but also try not to cry again in this situation as your DS may not feel he is able to tell you how he is feeling in case it upsets you.

If this happens again then just reassure him that Mummy is there, plenty of hugs and maybe suggest you read a book together or, "right, let's get ready and go to the park, who can get ready the quickest?"

I'm sure there are books out there in how to deal with these situations?

I'm glad your life has improved

So sorry this happened - poor you and poor DS! :(

I know you didn't mean to cry, and I know it upset your DS and I can entirely see what Handful is saying but there is another option as well which is to let him know that it's OKAY to be sad sometimes, and sometimes being sad makes you cry a little bit, and it's not because of what he said but because you're sad that his Daddy has decided to move to the other end of the country and it's too far away for him to come and see DS any more.

How you get round explaining why his Daddy has decided that, if you're doing the whole "not bagging the Dad" thing, I don't really know. I'd probably bag the Dad but I know it's generally frowned on.

One thing I would say though - please try to use only "positive" statements, i.e. avoid the use of "it's not..." or "don't..." because if you say something like "it's not your fault", their (and our, for that matter) brain doesn't compute the "not" part of that sentence until the end. They hear "it's your fault, not" but sometimes only the first part sticks. :(

So stick with saying something like this is entirely about Daddy's decision to move away - he wanted to go somewhere else and be on his own and he will stay away. Say that Daddy was mean to you both and that it's better for your happiness (and his of course) that Daddy does stay away, because then you'll both be able to forget about the sadness that Daddy being mean brought to you both.

Say that sometimes it's better for everyone for some people to stay out of their lives, even though he misses them.

Could you not just tell him that daddy lives in a different house a long way away? I would be wary of calling him "the bad man" or saying "daddy doesn't like us/ isn't nice/ doesn't love us" etc because I would worry that as your son gets bigger it will damage his self esteem. Also not now, but at some point your son might want to get to know his dad?

Hope you feel better, it's not easy at all

Yes Thumb, you put it much better than me.

I don't agree that you shouldn't show your emotions in front of a child but that it's done so as they don't associate you getting upset because they are asking for Daddy. So, explaining it and using positive words is a good way to approach.

Thanks all, that is really helpful. I see what you're saying about the way I can phrase things.

He may want to see him when he's older but unfortunately ex H does not want to see him.

I like the phrase Daddy was mean, I don't want DS to build him into some mythical amazing figure?? I sound slighty crazy but worry that if I don't say he was a total twunt in age appropriate language as he gets older, he will take on mythical status. Which is mad. Am being a bit mad thinking that

Thank you everyone.

How hard will it be for DS to hear the word as he grows up, will hr just accept it at as the norm that some (most, I imagine) other kids have Dads and his isn't about?

Excellent advice from thumb

It's very hard woo. I think being honest with your child is very important. I have said to mine that their Dad has numerous lovely qualities but sadly people treated him roughly and unkindly when he was small and as a result, he thinks it's acceptable to treat us unkindly too. It serves two purposes - it explains why he was as he was - nothing to do with them, in other words - and also explains why he was told to leave.

I understand your thinking and I am not from the 'never criticise the absent parent' school of thought, but I feel backing up what you say is important. So I wouldn't say 'dad is mean'; I would say 'your dad used to call me unpleasant names and push me. That upset me and made me feel sad and I didn't want to live like that.'

Good luck x

Yes, most kids have Dads. Some don't, many have stepdads, many many many have plenty plenty plenty of 'dads'.

Make your own normal :)

Yes, I like fiveacres way of phrasing it much better - always diss the behaviour, not the person, good point!

So yes woowoo - tell your DS that his Daddy did unpleasant things and that it's much nicer to live without those unpleasant things happening.

And yes, lots of children have so many variations on "normal" now, that whatever is "normal" for you both will become "normal" to him.

I do truly believe that the biggest problem is uncertainty - in some ways, your ex will have made it easier by going NC if he stays NC, because that, while sad for your DS, removes uncertainty. Nothing worse than hearing the stories of children waiting expectantly for the father who fails, time and time again, to show up. :(

Thank you fiveacres - that it the truth and telling the truth can't be wrong, can it!

He was a timid wee thing when ex H lived with us, and now is very outgoing, friendly, funny and much more confident.

Think I also need to realise that one conversation doesn't derail all the happiness and joy we have day to day now.

Yes, I can imagine the uncertainty feels like repeated rejection. Must be horrendous to watch a child go through that.

Although I didn't think it at the time, the NC is a blessing in disguise. Is always at the back of my mind he will change and change his mind but I need to deal with that if it happens.