Really needing advice on meeting Mr Right (ish) and not Mr Wrong (again)

[Hope8]

I'm determined to not give up hope on ever meeting Mr Right (ish - I know it will never be perfect) but really needing some inspiration at the moment. I've met so many of Mr Wrong / Mr Unsuitable / Mr Wrong Situation. In my 41 years, I've been in 6 significant relationships which have included the on/off type (from him), a physically abusive relationship, a relationship with someone having custody issues who couldn't cope with me as well, someone with depression and moving away, someone who I found out wasn't as separated as they said and then in a controlling relationship with no attraction but I'd given up then and just wanted companionship. I finally found myself single again and wondering where I go from here? How can I stop getting into relationships with unsuitable men? I don't seem to spot what's going on at the beginning and then get involved and hurt all over again. Any advice for a serial dater of Mr Wrong???

I think there should be a national database. Like an 'anti-dating site' where the profile gets written by the ex. We'd all at least have fair warning then :D

What a good idea, that would help me no end.

give being single a proper whirl? mind you, I did that and I liked it so much I still am!

I think you could be right. I'm not sure where I go wrong. I'm quite happy on my own a lot but like the idea of having a relationship. Then I'm too nice and think I'll never meet anyone else when I've yet again met the wrong guy and end up putting up with a skip load of rubbish from them. Low self esteem and insecurity I think.

if you're genuinely happy on your own, you'll only be interested a man who is an utter asset
'the idea of a having a relationship' for its own sake is fraught with peril!
but don't listen to me, I'm a born again spinster

I have a history like yours OP and I am now devoted to myself. I cannot see myself having another try but I am quite a bit older than you.

I have always felt better being single but have thought I "ought" to be happy in a relationship so bowed to inner pressure.

I now like the idea of weekends with nothing planned but am an introvert so it makes sense for me.

No hints as to how to avoid Mr Wrong, sorry but very best of luck to you!

If you look back now, can you see the red flags that you ignored at the time?

When I look back at some of my bad relationships , I really wish I'd had Mumsnet . There were HUGE red flags , but I didn't see them for what they were. Or I thought it was just me overreacting .

YY to not heeding or ignoring red flags through lack of self esteem.

Work on you and love your own self for a change. In the meantime do not date at all.

What is the longest period of time you've been single?.

Do you have rescuer tendencies, have you wanted to save these men?.
You also cannot act as a rescuer and or a saviour in a relationship. Do you fall in love very quickly and get over invested?.

If you have not done the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid that would be a very good programme for you to complete. Also the website "baggage reclaim" may be worth a read too.

Counselling for you may also be a very good idea. Think too about what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up. What did you learn?. What sort of an example did your parents set you; did one of them leave?. That in itself, particularly if the father leaves, can have a really bad effect on the child when that same child becomes an adult.

Yes to Baggage Reclaim website.

It has changed my outlook completely- enabled me to understand why I am repeatedly attracted to unsuitable men , "Emotionally unavailable", she calls it. There are reasons and we have to learn why we do it before we can break the pattern!

Lots of great advice already.
I would reccomend discovering who you are, what makes you happy and having fun being single.
It took me 2 years to get over an emotionally abusive ex. After abusive relationships it takes a long time to rediscover who you are.

With a positive, independent attitude dating can be a little easier, but you still need the skin of a rhino!

I went on lots of coffee dates, and if I am honest a few second dates for dinner because I wasn't sure about them... Then I went on a first date and just knew I had found someone different.

When you are stronger in yourself you will see the red flag behaviours, I can see them all the time now, it is like someone hit the light switch for me.

I totally agree with all the posters who say give yourself a break. Focus all your energy on being happy and healthy and carving out a life for yourself that you love and which makes you feel fantastically glad to be alive. That way you'll naturally be on guard against losing any of it, and only let a man in who would enhance not limit or endanger your happiness.

But generally I believe Maya Angelou's thing that a man shows you who he is early on and you should believe him.

If he cancels more than one date, doesn't call when he said he would or doesn't return calls within a respectable time scale, if he's late, if he even jokingly puts you down or speaks over you, overly controls the date, asks no questions about you, does all the talking, complains about previous women he's dated or is tight with money, walk away fast. Also, go out to dinner with him. How a man treats a waiter is a massive indicator of his personality. People worth knowing always smile and say thank you, and always tip.

I had loads of crap short-term relationships. Headfucks. I took a long hard look at myself and realised the common factor was me. Something was drawing me to them, probably desperation to be with someone, anyone.

Great advice here. I embarked upon a dating detox at the start of this year realising that I needed a break and apart from a ONS with an ex flame - so not really dating! - I have deliberately steered clear of anything dating-related. I am so much happier, and so glad to step of that rollercoaster and have time to reflect and think about what I want for myself. I am genuinely very content being single.

I think what silveracorn says is absolutely spot-on.

Yes, definitely think you're right. I need some time on my own again. I've really only had 2 years on my own when my ds was young and I was actually quite happy single then met the next Mr Wrong (without looking for him) who was pretty awful to me, brought my self esteem down again and I think that started the cycle of needing a man to make myself feel worthy. I had counselling after splitting up with father of ds and really felt quite good about myself but this seems to have slowly eroded again over the years.
I think I do fall in love quickly and usually with a good looking guy, who is mainly nice but has issues (yes, it seems I absolutely must date a guy with issues, I think I need to figure out why and how they find me!) and I'm a real people pleaser and extremely tolerant of people, just can't see the red flags so I tend to put up with an awful lot until I've absolutely had enough.

That's a good question about what I learnt about relationships because I'm not so sure. All I could say about my parents marriage was that they just got on and seemed fairly happy but no displays of affection or really doing anything together, with each other or with children.
You've given me some really good advice, I'll take a look at the Freedom Programme and the website.

Wow, you've all given some really good advice, thanks.
I'm going to be follow all your advice and be really brave and just do me time because I'm just going to get more of the same if I don't change anything. I think I have to get over the need to be in a relationship and also the mindset that if I don't go with which ever seemingly nice man shows me any interest that I'll never meet anyone in the future.

You've all got me really thinking!
I was just remembering that the only 2 men I've properly called it off with (rather than it drifting to an end with the others) have both told me that I'll end up on my own if I leave which has just reinforced the fear and the idea that there will be something wrong with ending up on my own.

Yes Hope it is the fear of being alone that you have to conquer. After a while I think it feels an equally viable state to be in. I love it. Good luck.

Thanks so much. Feeling much more positive..I took a look at the Baggage Reclaim website. Really helpful.