"Friends", life events, abandonment

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Has anyone ever found themselves going through a bad patch in life - massive life event such as severe illness or bereavement - and found friends reacting in surprising ways - particularly running in the other direction.

Do you have any advice for someone who this has happened to, who then rebuilt life, had another life event and it happened again?

As a friend to a couple of people who have had very tough times, I have to say it's hard to know how to help. Can you be more specific? Most people are good and kind and would want to help a friend but just need a specific instruction

• I need you to listen
• I need a couple if meals
• I need help with getting places
• I need help with the kids

Sorry I meant can you be specific about how you feel your friends have run away

I had a hard time with a friend. I had a miscarriage. She was struggling with infertility.

There were no winners tbh. I had to 'walk away' as I couldn't be the crutch she needed. It's awful, but I guess people who turn away (me?) have their own dramas. Maybe?

I'm sorry I can't give advice but just wanted to say I've been in that situation of not getting support in my time(s) of need and desperation. Looking back it still makes me
Sad and I still hold resentment towards them for it.

No advice I'm afraid. I had a 'life event' where my friends were unsupportive, then I split up with DP and also lost my job. I'm still picking up the pieces and only now after nearly 3 years of splitting up with the ex I'm starting to feel a bit better about things.

I'm also NC with my family as they were useless too, and pretty much on my own when my DD is with her dad.

Hello Space

You cannot stop someone running in the other direction or make someone stay

Welcome a friend
Let go someone who walks away

We cannot tell what someone is thinking

We cannot predict what someone will say or what they will do (this applies to everything in life)

Some people are natural helpers

In an ideal world, we would treat people as we would like to be treated ourselves, but life is not always like that

Shown themselves to be acquaintances, not true friends who cared

Event one: I was specific & one stayed but maybe I wasn't specific enough for event two

It's going to take time - to let resentment settle & to rebuild things

Thank you for replies has helped and sorry you have had this too

Thanks fluffa, read your post after I wrote mine that's good advice

yes and yes
keep finding new friends - it's a journey

This happened to me too and it's horrible isn't it :( I don't know why people are so indifferent/callous or why they do this?

I've had many 'life events' and people who I thought were friends weren't really. You just have to let them go. I still struggle with the resentment. Maybe we just have too high expectations of how people should behave. Also as Lyinginwait said everybody has their own issues. Just have courage and plough your own furrow. The bitterness only hurts you. Having said all that, some people are just selfish bastards!!!

I've had this, they weren't really friends but acquaintances of convenience. My life is great now but I've been careful with building new friendships to not assume people are proper friends too quickly - I categorise most people as friendly acquaintances and don't rely on them. So hard though and I wish I hadn't lost that sense of trust.

People get worried they'll upset you or make things worse, they may feel you have closer people you want to confide in, they may feel that you don't want to talk and have a life not constantly reminded of the bad stuff.

In short, many will want to take your lead so tell them what you want/need.

I remember seeing on here about somebody sending a generic text or email saying bad news and wondering why nobody called. To be that's understandable as many respond in kind in the way communication was opened and wait for signs the person actually wants to talk with them.

I have experienced this - and posted on here about it. I was v let down with one of my oldest friends - but she has no idea what I was dealing with as she had never been bereaved. I was hurt at the time - but now I understand. Other people who had been thru it were compassionate and became good friends at the time. However once the sadness passed I picked p with my old friend again and the newer grief friends faded away. I also reflected back on another old friend of mine and remembered that I had done nothing when she lost her Mother when we were in our 20's. I feel bad about that.

I had a recent Life Event and had quite a strong feeling that I shouldn't tell my close friend about it.
I listen to my instincts a lot more these days and due to a few past actions have realised they aren't the person I thought they were.

Lifes a funny thing

Hi OP. I think you have to go through a difficult time (bereavement/illness) to understand this. In the films when anyone is ill/bereaved everyone comes together, when in fact the reality is so different. I had a very serious illness and have since spoken to lots of people in the same situation and they all have had the same experience: some people are great quite often not the people you thought would be, quite often people you don't know very well. Some people are ok - don't really know what to say and so don't really contact you too much. Some people are blooming terrible and let you down at every stage. I think that you need to concentrate on the 'good' people in your life, and not worry too much about the other people. It is actually quite an empowering process - you realise how short and precious life is and how you need to surround yourself with positivity and not put with any rubbish. I looked at who was there for me,my DH, children, my parents, some good friends and I have emotionally distanced myself from others (some other family members, some other good friends etc..) without making a bit deal of it and letting go of any anger and negative emotions. Let it go as Elsa would say. Wishing you all the best.

When I was ill it certainly sorted out for me who my friends were.
As shambles has said, some people I thought were good friends basically weren't whilst others I didn't know as well were often great.

Some of my friendships have changed since then as I now appreciate the supportive people a lot more. Others I let drift.

Hi OP, my mum passed in October and my goodness some reactions! My mother in law ran away from attending the funeral (not literally lol) and my next door neighbour still haven't mentioned my mum, . Emotionally illiterate dickheads IMHO. My son missed a party on the day she died, the mum approached me and questioned me very sharply on why he had not been there. So I bluntly but politely told her, she now blanks me[confused. It hurts but it will happen. Big hugs xxx

beezlebop - I am so sorry for your loss - and it is shocking how some people behave. I hope you have found comfort and compassion elsewhere.

My MIL after the v sudden and brutal death of my very fit relatively young mother (63) from cancer calls me frequently to tell bleat on that she thinks she has got cancer - or her Dr is "testing her for cancer" - never says what the symtoms are or the suspected type of cancer.....she does see the Dr frequently and does have a whole range of illnesses - but that is because she is a chronic alcoholic.

Only thing I would like to add to my previous post was that after my dark days had passed - I realised that I really missed my best friend - we are now back on track - nothing was said - and we have a lot of fun which is what I need now and what she is good at giving.

So advice would be just put (some) people on hold rather than write them out of your life (even though you might want to go permanently NC). I am glad I did this.