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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH finally stops working long hours, books holiday to see friend

26 replies

PlasmaMatters · 08/05/2015 20:19

I am feeling really, really disappointed. My dh works in finance. He has always worked impossible hours and it has been very hard on the marriage. I am basically a single mother. I haven't worked in years as both DCs have SN/autism and have been in and out of schools, struggling for years. This year of work has been particularly bad. My DH finally reached his career goal, but he has even been staying in the city overnight during the week. He says he is not having an affair. He finally has some time 'off' AKA an actual weekend to not work and he had booked himself a flight to visit a friend in a hot place. He claims he forgot he booked the flight, but it was for the first weekend he knew he would have free time from work. I am incredibly sad and let down. I have booked an appointment with regards to starting divorce proceedings. I just can't stop the hurt. Also I am very scared as I haven't worked in years while looking after the DCs, mostly on my own (I haven't got family to help), have gotten overweight and feel too unattractive to start over looking for a new partner and just generally feel worthless... Please help, anybody!

OP posts:
Nolim · 08/05/2015 20:23

I agree that he is being an arse but would he be willing to couples counselling?

AnyFucker · 08/05/2015 20:26

he has detached from your marriage and he did it some time ago

I am sorry Thanks

Original poster
PlasmaMatters · 08/05/2015 20:31

I have asked him. He just stared at me. He didn't say, 'yes, let's go and work this out'. I starting to think he wants to make things so terrible that I will divorce him, otherwise he will look really bad divorcing the SAHM with two SN children.

OP posts:
Justusemyname · 08/05/2015 20:38

No one forgets they have booked a flight to anywhere never mind to somewhere hot.

You've been a Single mum for years. Divorce just makes it official, you get maintenance and one less child to look after.

ImperialBlether · 08/05/2015 20:43

If you are going to divorce him, you HAVE to make sure that he has the children for a reasonable amount of time, to allow you time to see friends, relax and have some time to yourself. There's no way he should be able to work all the hours he wants and have all the rest of the time to himself, too. Taking care of any child is hard work but a child with SN inevitably takes it out of you more, so make sure he is aware how much he will have to do.

antimatter · 08/05/2015 20:44

When you sort out your separation and stop hoping to rely on hum he will se more of your kids and you are going to get some time off.

That will make big difference to how you feel.

Hassled · 08/05/2015 20:45

Yes, he's going to have a shock to his system when he suddenly has his access weekends, isn't he? It'll do him the world of good (and you too - you'll actually get a break).

Original poster
PlasmaMatters · 08/05/2015 20:51

I know it's not the absolute end of the world. Divorcing him won't kill me. It will really hurt the DC, though, as the older one knows how unhappy I am and asked could we wait to get divorced until he was 18? They won't understand. But how do you get over the hurt? I was hoping to start working part time next year as things have settled down a bit with the schools and DC are getting older. I know I need more independence. But how on earth will I get over the hurt and the anger. He's had everything and I have been the drudge. Does anyone know, does it get better after the split?

OP posts:
Vivacia · 08/05/2015 20:54

Who asked if you could wait until your child was 18??

Original poster
PlasmaMatters · 08/05/2015 20:57

My twelve year old, who knows the marriage is not great because he has seen me upset, asked if we could wait until he's 18 before we split. He doesn't want to move, etc. We have already moved several times during his and his brother's life. We thought we were finally settled. It's just I can't take this marriage anymore.

OP posts:
Nolim · 08/05/2015 20:58
Flowers
Phineyj · 08/05/2015 20:58

Can you get counselling for yourself? It sounds like you need someone to listen to you - and it's not likely to be your DH.

AnyFucker · 08/05/2015 20:59

You should not put yourself through another 6 years of this torture

if you do, when your 12 you grows up he will realise it was far too much of a sacrifice to make, and he will feel guilty he contributed to his mum's happiness

don't do that to him

Vivacia · 08/05/2015 21:19

What AF said, it's not fair to put an adult's decision on a child's shoulders.

When people post threads like this I think that nine times out of ten they've already made their mind up about the right choice for them. They just need support or permission or someone to hear them.

AnyFucker · 08/05/2015 21:32

shit, awful typos there

I think viv got it anyway

*12yo

*unhappiness

fluffapuss · 08/05/2015 21:38

Hello Plasma

I see you are disappointed & rightly so. I assume he did not discuss visiting friend before he booked the holiday

So did he offer to book you & children on a holiday later in the year ?

Why is he staying away during the week ? can he commute ?

You sound like you live alone most of the time any way, so you know you will be ok

Another case of actions speak louder than words

Plan your escape, start a new happy life

Good luck

Jerseyknit · 08/05/2015 21:45

Sadly I don't think you can rely on him continuing a relationship with his children in the event of a split. I would get your affairs in order, make sure you get what you're entitled to and accept that your life will be a whole lot easier without a man who is so self absorbed he commits nothing of himself to his family. This will set you free to be a much happier person and potentially meet someone who deserves you and your lovely family. Your children will not thank you for that kind of sacrifice.

StaceyAndTracey · 08/05/2015 21:51

Can I just check - your 12 yo doesn't want you to get divorced because he doesn't want to move house ? Not because he doesn't want dad to move out - because dad has already moved out during the week and works weekends / goes off on holidays.

Why woudl you have to move out ? You have two Sn kids and your DH has a very good income

Filthyandgorgeous · 08/05/2015 22:01

I am a SAHM to two sn children and the family court has ordered my home to be sold as part of the divorce. So don't bank on that.

Also my exh rarely sees the dc. You can't make a man be a good father if he is not committed. So don't bank on that either.

Sorry to not be more positive but I read on threads so often that mums can stay in the family home till the dc are 18. NOT TRUE!

However from what you say, he has checked out of the marriage. It sounds as if you will be happier alone. Just be prepared and get good legal advice. I was told all along I wouldn't get the house and I didnt.

Carlywurly · 08/05/2015 22:16

My situation was spookily similar. He just checked out, gradually until the situation became ridiculous. I got the house, my car paid off, plus approx half his considerable income for a good while yet.
I also qualify for tax credits and am now working again and am able to save a good deal of my earnings for the time when I don't have maintenance..

I have a new dp. Xh has the children every other weekend and is much better then he ever was back then.

I wouldn't have ever predicted this back then. Life is an awful lot easier and less lonely than it was back then. You sound like you've already been coping amazingly. Hang in there.

TokenGinger · 09/05/2015 10:24

Am I the only one who feels some empathy for your husband? Apologies if there is a backstory here that I'm unaware of.

All I am reading is that, God bless your children, you've been blessed with two children who require intensive parenting. As a result of that, you're not able to work. Therefore, your husband has to work ridiculous hours to support all four of you to make ends meet. He's often working late and has to sacrifice returning home to see his wife and children in the evenings and stay in hotels because of work. You have one income to support four people and it's all down to him, because he's blessed with a wife who has given up her career to raise the children.

He gets one weekend off after months of an unhealthy schedule and he goes away. For a weekend not a fortnight. He's probably mentally exhausted and needs to recharge his batteries, and you want to divorce him?

Don't get me wrong, I can only imagine is exhausting it must be to raise two SN children, but would a more reasonable solution be that you explain to him that you are exhausted too and would love a break? Maybe have the children cared for by relatives and you two go away? Or he have them on his next weekend off and you go for a spa break? Or indeed, all of you go away.

Carlywurly · 09/05/2015 10:36

Token ginger, I'd imagine you are.

Having raised one dc with very mild sn and another who was just demanding, never mind 2, I'd have cheerfully swapped places most days with xh and his interesting, stimulating job, travel, corporate entertainment including a permanent box at the O2 and season tickets to his favourite football team and freedom just to look after his own needs on a day to day basis.

It is indescribably hard and lonely, no amount of financial compensation makes up for that. I felt like I was in a gilded cage.

Spotifymuse · 09/05/2015 10:45

Next thing Ginger will be telling you that you should have given him more blowjobs and made sure his dinner was on the table Hmm

I would bet money that he is having an affair and you are incredibly strong to have already made the decision that enough is enough. You WILL survive this and down the line, life will be so much better than being in a marriage with someone who has totally checked out.
It's worth having a consultation with a family law solicitor who can outline your options for accommodation, maintenance etc.
Good luck OP. The end of a marriage is the beginning of a happier life for you.

Nolim · 09/05/2015 10:52

Ginger i would be willing to agree with you except that he did not agree to go to counselling with op in order to improve their marriage. He booked a weekend away without asking her, as if he is the only one who needs time off. He must be exhausted , yes, but so is his wife. Not acknowledging that is not a good sign.

paxtecum · 09/05/2015 11:02

Ginger, often parents prefer working very long hours because it is easier than going home and looking after the DCs.

Work and providing money can be an excuse to not be involved in family life.

Op would prefer her DH to be Father to his children by actually being there rather than providing more and more unnecessary material goods.

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