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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need help writing a dear Jon letter..

30 replies

Mypubesarestraight · 08/05/2015 19:55

This is probably going to be long...

I need to write my dp a dear Jon letter, it's the only way I can sort this mess out without crumbling.

I have been with dp for 18 years and we have 3 lovely children. Every year dp gets a new hobby that takes up his time leaving me stuck at home.

The latest one is keeping fit. He drops our dc off at school and goes to the gym every weekday.
He spends for hours at the gym, comes home has a nap then picks the dc up again.

This has been going on ever since January. He refuses not to go. We have no days out together, not even with the dc in the holidays.

But if his friends organise something he will go. He even goes on our birthdays Sad

He goes out to the pub every Thursday and Friday too. I'm never invited. His friends take their girlfriends though and the girlfriends take their friends.
I'll call him and hear them all having a good time, it hurts so much knowing that he doesn't want me there.
He actually said he doesn't want me there because he can't be himself.

He goes for days out with his friends and their wives/girlfriends too.

It's all come to ahead today. I've broke down to him about the situation. I called him lastnight while he was in the pub and heard girls laughing.

Dp doesn't work. He has a business which he pays someone else to run. That's why he has so much free time.
I work, come home, sleep and repeat.

He's always been like this. We have 1 picture together which was taken last year.
We have never been on a proper night out together, we've never even danced together.

I feel like I'm missing out. I just don't know what to do. He refuses to change.
Please help me put my feelings into paper.

Thanks

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 08/05/2015 19:57

He sounds horrendous. I would just tell him that you would like to seperate and let him do the leg work to find out why. He doesn't seem that bothered about what you think/feel about anything else...... (Sorry)

Original poster
Mypubesarestraight · 08/05/2015 20:01

Thanks for your reply wannabe

I just want to write it down on paper and let him see in black and white all the hurt he has caused me.

It sounds ridiculous but it feels like the right thing to do for me

OP posts:
goshhhhhh · 08/05/2015 20:02

I would just leave him (and I'm a great believer in staying). You can't be yourself around him either. I agree with wannabe - don't bother writing - just tell him to leave. Go and make yourself a life. (he is an arse)

Original poster
Mypubesarestraight · 08/05/2015 20:04

I'm leaving but I want him to know why

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/05/2015 20:04

I would be making plans to separate if you have not done so already; he knows how hurt you are but simply does not care. A letter expressing your feelings is not going to change anything re him.

Original poster
Mypubesarestraight · 08/05/2015 20:05

I might not give him the letter. I just want my feelings out of my head and onto paper.

It's stupid isn't it

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 08/05/2015 20:07

No l think you would be wasting your time writing it all down. Quite likely he wouldn't bother reading it as he is too busy in his "own" life.
Firstly l would see a solicitor and gather as much financial information about his business as possible. When he knows you want to separate he may just hide some of the profits.
It sounds as if you would have a better life and better social life without him.
Just a thought but is there a potential OW at the pub he has his eye on that he doesn't want you to meet. I think l would be tempted to fing a babysitter and pitch up one night just to see what's going on.
Selfish Arse

Original poster
Mypubesarestraight · 08/05/2015 20:08

I did turn up one night. It was obvious that he didn't want me there.

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 08/05/2015 20:10

Just leave--he knows he is making you miserable and he just doesn't care.

inlectorecumbit · 08/05/2015 20:10

Have you asked him to expalin why he "can't be himself" when youm are there?

goshhhhhh · 08/05/2015 20:10

Ok just tell him what you've told us. He doesn't appear to want to be with you. You are alone within this relationship. (& I think that is more lonely than being alone) and maybe it is more honest, easier to forge a life for yourself without holding on to a hope that one day he might appreciate you, and I imagine this is affecting your confidence..

inlectorecumbit · 08/05/2015 20:11

sorry spelling awful there

goshhhhhh · 08/05/2015 20:12

I agree with seeing a solicitor first.

Dowser · 08/05/2015 20:12

This isn't a Dear John ( they tend to be a bit apologetic. )

What he needs is a wake the f* up and smell the coffee you selfish bastard sort of letter.

Go for it OP and don't hold back.

Let rip!

fanofpeamum · 08/05/2015 20:17

OP, I'm so sorry. How awful he is. I agree with other posters that he won't care about your letter or do anything but be even more vile if you show it to him. But it's not stupid at all to want to see it all in black and white. Write it out if you think it will help you. Show it to someone who will hear you and care. Show it to us if you want. God, even we care more than he does. What a bastard. Your life can be so much better than this. Thanks For you.

Duckdeamon · 08/05/2015 20:18

Use your energy instead to write lists of things you need to sort out for yourself and the DC, and to work on those things.

Or a letter to yourself about why you have put up with this for so long and how you would like to improve your and DCs' lives.

You have already devoted more than enough to him, and trying to understand (and make him understand) why he treats you badly.

Dowser · 08/05/2015 20:18

Yes, get all your financial stuff sorted. Can you put yourself together a war chest, draw money from joint funds etc.

Write your letter, then keep it for him when you have all your ducks in a row and your finances sorted.

Can't believe the selfishness of this wanker.

When you know which way the wind is blowing with your finances you can take said letter and plonk it in front of him in the pub.

Give all his mates a copy while you're at it!

Original poster
Mypubesarestraight · 08/05/2015 20:26

The scary thing is that if I told him to make a choice he wouldn't pick me.

I can't stop crying

OP posts:
goshhhhhh · 08/05/2015 20:27

I know it feels awful and at least you are taking control. You are worth so much more.

eddielizzard · 08/05/2015 20:29

it is good to write it all down. but hang on to it for a while and see how you feel then. he is being a colossal arse, yes. also give yourself time to adjust to things. get your stuff sorted out, small steps.

paddlenorapaddle · 08/05/2015 20:31

pubes it seems like you've been serving a prison sentence not having a relationship

Before you separate get a plan together, and some counselling might help you seem to need his validation but he doesn't give a shit, and he'll more then likely laugh in your face when you say that you are. He won't believe that you have the strength to kick him out and stay that way.
He will always consider you his to do with as he pleases and this is abusive and cruel.

So plan plan and plan get your support networks strong and a good plan behind you. You don't need this loser in your life its a shame its taken 18 years to get to this point, you are worth so much more then this.

BisleyBoy · 08/05/2015 20:35

I would say write the letter of you feel it would be helpful to you. Even if you don't give it to him, writing your thoughts down can be very therapeutic. It might give you the clarity of mind you need to leave him. Sometimes when you see things there in black and white on paper, you realise how bad things were/are.

stareatthetvscreen · 08/05/2015 20:48

sorry to hear this

if you feel the need to get it said i think you should write it down but don't expect anything to change

bitter voice of experience here :)

fluffapuss · 08/05/2015 21:06

Hello My

I think he knows exactly what he is doing !
He will not change, why would he change his life style
His actions speak louder than words

----

Be strong

I agree, put your energy into leaving & start a new life today

Plan your escape, starting today ! - dont tell your partner

Find somewhere to live asap if you feel like it leave; b&b, hotel, friends house, stay with family ?

Positive you have a job

I would not waste time or energy writing letter, he probably wont read it
or
write letter then burn it

You deserve so much more

How old are children ?

In a years time, you may look back & think what a wonderful life you have now compared to how it used to be....

Good luck

FeijoaSundae · 08/05/2015 21:10

You've written it all down in your OP.

Be wary of explaining it to him, and expecting him to react in the way that you'd like, or even give a shit. You will most likely be disappointed.