How to deal with abused parents?

[Freestripe]

Hello all,

I am looking for advice on how to deal with my mother, who was very badly abused as a child/teenager. I don't want to go into details as it is too shocking to type. She grew up in a very rough council estate in Wales in the 70s and was frequently abused by a male family member.

She had her children young and moved us to London to be away from her family. Overall, she was a good mother and was not abusive at all. However, now that we are all grown-up, she has started drinking heavily at weekends to cope with her bad past. She has never told me what she went through. I heard it from my older brother. However, I have a feeling that she is going to tell me soon and I need to know how I can deal with it.

Should I tell her that I already knew?

How can I help her move on?

I think MN would be a good place for her to talk things through with people who have been through similar, but how do I get her to come here?

Any advice would be appreciated.

Oh god. I'm sorry Freestripe.

I think that when she tells you, play it a little bit cool. It probably takes a HUGE amount of effort for her to tell you at all. it's a real step of trust; she's walking a gangplank. If you say "I know already" it might be counterproductive. Suggest you go silent a few thoughtful moments and say "I had wondered if somethign had been very wrong, Mum".

Let her take the lead. Don't give advice as such, just listen.

How can she move on? she won't. Not for a very long time. You have to accept that. When people go through an awful childhood it never goes away; the best you can do is learn to let it into the open, acknowledge how very much it hurts and then to live with it and around it. That in itself is actually very, very healthy and makes you both happier and sadder, but it's like breathign and drinking fresh air.

I am not sure MN is the right place for her; a good skilled counsellor / therapist may do better. it's something you could suggest (maybe not immediately, but after she speak to you give it 2 weeks or so and then say "you know what you were saying? well how about talking to someone about it ..." You know your mother, you know what she will respond to and what she won't; take the tack you think will work.

If you do feel MN is best, then maybe gently suggest it and keep suggesting it, even sending her an email with the right link. But it will take her a LOT of time to get used to the idea of sharing her intensely private and intensely difficult pain on line.

For yourself: you are not a counsellor and can't be. But you can listen. If it becomes too much though, do gently push the professional counselling thing (is there any chance at all that you could fund it privately? the brief counselling on the NHS may well not be enough).

Good luck, wishing you and her all the best.

I think you should be prepared to let her talk. It is very difficult for people who have been abused to open up, so please try and not shut her down.

Are you prepared for what you might hear? You may need to see someone yourself, to talk afterwards.

I don't necessarily agree that MN is the best place for her, there are some really supportive posters but you can't guarantee who will respond to her thread. She may not be prepared to hear what some posters have to say, she may have flashbacks when she starts to open up and she may not be able to deal with that. A professional counsellor would be a much better option.

Good luck to both of you.

As an abuse survivor what has been one of the hardest things for me is not being able to talk about what happened. I've tried but people shut me down and back away. If you are going to talk to her please be aware that she will need a lot of support. Don't offer to talk if you and you personally cannot supply that support. It is not good enough to back off and suggest counselling. If that's what you're going to do then don't offer to talk and if she instigates it, say right away that you can't handle it and suggest counselling. Don't let her talk a bit then cut her off. I can't stress that enough.

Yes, thank you for all your replies so far.

The reason I will suggest MN is because there are a lot of posters on here who say that MN has helped them deal with abuse and moving on. It would be good for her to talk to people with similar experiences.

My mother is an extrovert. She has a social job, lots of friends, and she loves to talk.

I'm the opposite. I prefer to be alone and keep my thoughts to myself. I'm quite like my father.

This is why I'm worried. I don't want to say the wrong thing, or make her feel like she can't talk to me. She can talk to me if she wants, but I will be more of a listener, than an advice-giver.

Calindana, you're right. I don't want to do the wrong thing, but I'm just not sure what the right thing is...

Your poor mum!
I used to volunteer for.a Rape Crisis centre, which offered free telephone and group support for survivors of childhood sexual abuse - Rape Crisis, or an organisation like it, might be a good place for her to start, if she wants to access support outside of her family.
Agree with what a pp said though - if you suggest counselling or talking to someone else immediately, it can seem like you are shutting down the conversation/not willing to listen yourself. I know you wouldn't be suggesting it for this reason, but it's just something to be really careful of, in my experience.
The Rape Crisis centre I volunteered for also offered support to those supporting abuse survivors - people like you! Don't underestimate how tough this might be for you too, and make sure you've got some support in place if you can.
Good luck.

It is not your job as her child for you to counsel her, and she almost certainly needs a level of support far in excess of what you can provide. I would probably guide her towards the NAPAC website where she will find a lot of support and guidance.

(I'm speaking here as a survivor of sexual abuse from my dad; I would never speak in any detail at all to my son about what I went through. It's not his burden to bear.)

Thank you.

Yes, I know it's not my burden, but I think my mum wants her children to understand her more. I think she feels that her first 40 years were stolen from her by abuse, having children, and having to work. This is the first time she has really had the time to mourn for what happened to her. We are all grown up now, and she only works part-time, so she has a lot more time than she used to.