annoying dp

[chipchopfish]

Ok this is my first thread on MN. Namechanged because reasons. Our situation is pretty unique so I'll try to be as vague as possible.

My DP is over-affectionate. To the point where she will kiss me every 5 mins or so. I used to be able to tolerate it but now with young DD i just dont have the patience anymore. it now drives me nuts. i've spoken to her about it, and she has stopped somewhat. although sometimes she forgets. she also acts very down about not being able to, saying that she loves me a lot. in some ways she's quite like a child. very forgetful, disorganised (which i can understand to some degree as we're both creative types - although this is to the point of bringing me dirty clothes when i was stuck in hospital with young DD rather than clean ones as she had not bothered to wash any... when i was staying at my mothers she would always try to come early but would end up coming over at about 3. and then being sad and teary when she had to leave at about 7/8), affectionate in typical childish ways, tickles everything a lot (inanimate objects included - but mostly i find that funny).

i think it stems from her general neediness. she has mental health problems that not many partners would have stuck through. i think she just feels grateful that i stuck around, and just wants to show her thankfulness. these mental health issues are mostly things like self esteem, anxiety, tiredness etc. she is also very sensitive. her therapist says this is normal for her condition.

she also can't really take social cues - not related to her health. its just something she DOESN'T know how to do. none of her family do either. so it ends up that she'll end up talking about something i don't care about for ages and when i try to change the topic she'll just change it back. it has before gotten to the point where in our exchange she is talking about one thing and i am talking about something completely different. although that wasnt recent. recently i just kinda blank it out/ignore and go 'mhmmm' and 'yep' (and then she accuses me of being grumpy/upset which is irritating in itself) until she gets bored of that topic. she has low self esteem so when she thinks i'm grumpy or upset she'll blame herself even if she has no idea why i would be. and then she gets sad...again...

she is always well intentioned though. she is sweet, although naive. i truly believe that she would never do anything to hurt me or DD ever.

i always worry i am inadvertently causing her distress, or being emotionally abusive.
its exhausting having to keep considering everything.
i feel like i have to look after both of us (although not physically - we do have a good split of housework childcare etc.)

i end up feeling very guilty for getting annoyed at this. especially when she gets sad.
i guess i also feel a bit resentful as she was not there when i needed her most - although this is down to her mental health issues obviously.
i also feel responsible for her happiness. i think thats part of being in a relationship, though.

i thought it was just because of my young baby i was getting stressed and snappy.
but when its just us two i feel alright. just peaceful.

anyone wanna help me figure all this out?

i hope i NCd successfully!

When you say she will kiss you every 5 minutes - do you mean every five actual minutes? Or is 5 minutes a way of saying 'lots'?

Perhaps what she needs is a different therapist. One who can work with her to change those things that are an issue. Help with social cues and social expectations. Understanding appropriate behaviours, etc.

Also, are you communicating clearly? Are you clearly asking for those things you feel you need? Having clear conversations with her where you both talk about how you feel and what you feel you need? There can be compromise.

You are not responsible for her happiness. You have responsibility in the relationship of course, as does she, but that isn't the same thing as being responsible for her happiness.

It sounds like what she really really needs is a therapist who understands her social struggles and can work with her to help her to understand appropriate behaviours.

No, I do seriously mean every five minutes. Although that's usually when we're sat watching the telly... if we're doing something where we're not physically close it'll be a bit less, perhaps every half hour? If she's focused on a task then it'll be less than that (if she's doing her work, for example).

I know it's bad but I do often ask her to do stuff just so she'll leave me alone for a bit. (If I'm doing something she will want to do it with me unless I stick the baby in her hands).

I make her sound quite dysfunctional, don't I? She is of average behaviour generally. Other than her neediness - which is the only way I can sum it up really.

Her therapist wasn't to help with her behaviour, but her mental state.

It's not your typical mental health problem. She has normal conversational ability, except that she is incapable of telling when i want to stop discussing it. When i outright say can we change the subject she gets overly apologetic, sad, and asks me worriedly whether i am angry or upset.

I have tried to have some kind of clear conversation with her. If she knew how much all of this annoyed me she would be crushed.

Most of our conversations end with her taking full responsibility/blame, getting sad and guilty etc. If she wants some kind of compromise from me she doesn't tell me or hints in really vague ways - i.e. by saying how much she loves me and how much she loves kissing/hugging/touching me. and then waiting for me to give a suggestion of how to make it work.

You sound a bit cruel tbh. She's obviously a sensitive person and your nit picking at her just for talking about something that u feel she should shut up about? Almost sounds controlling. If anything I think she has zero self esteem so she takes the blame for too much!

She needs more appropriate support, it sounds.

There is help out there if she is struggling. If there are things that she is not happy with or ways she could be more happy, then support her to go after that.

I have always struggled socially and have relied a LOT on my husband to teach me to understand the social dance. It's not easy.

But much as your wife matters, and she really does, you matter also. What you need and how you feel should not be dismissed. There has to be a way to balance needs and for each of you to have your needs met but not at the total expense of the other.

What about Relate or similar? To talk about needs, expectations, etc?

She's not wrong to be who she is. She's clearly a very loving person and that's never going to be a bad thing! God, there are people out there who have never found love who would read this and go my god, I would trade with him in a second, look how much he's loved, lucky bastard.

But also, you're not wrong to feel overwhelmed by constant touching.

There are threads from women who complain about being constantly touched and pawed and the support they get is wonderful with their right to not want to be constantly touched totally respected.

So it's not really that you're wrong or she's wrong, tt's just about tweaking both of you a bit so you can both feel really happy.

Why do you say 'my' young baby? Why were you stuck with the child in hospital? Is this a same sex relationship? Is she the mother of the child?

I'm trying to work out the dynamic of your relationship as some of what you say sounds unusual.

Give us a bit more background eg how long you have been together, do you work, etc

Yes it is same sex, I gave birth to our DD.

Don't want to give any more bg or will out myself

Leaving aside the mental health issue for a moment - which may be a red herring here - people have different needs when it comes to physical affection.

It is very hard if you are very physically affectionate (and like a lot of kissing, touching,hand holding,hugging) to be with a partner who does not feel the same way.

It takes a lot to properly understand this because most of the time we operate on the basis that everyone else is like us.

To give you an example, if I'm feeling down or upset, a deep hug from a man I am in love with (or even a parent or close relative) is SO comforting, warming and I feel it emotionally. I have a friend who grew up in a household with no physical touching, and she finds hugging of that sort repellent - it makes her feel nothing good emotionally and although she can tolerate it briefly, then wants to get away.

If you are this mismatched with your DP, then like any other mismatch, you both need to discuss it and decide whether it something you can work out or its so important to either of you that it isn't tolerable long term.

Short term, if you can stomach it, try to put up with as much as you can and reciprocate where you can because generally physical affection means so much to people who love it (emotionally and deeply) as compared with mild irritation to those who don't. It feels horrifically rejecting to be with someone who doesn't reciprocate as compared to a bit of annoyance.

Blimey, I'd be at the end of my tether with her in about half an hour. Have you been together long?

Is she capable of having a conversation about your relationship, and about your needs and wants, in adult mode? Or does she always retreat into the wounded child "you don't want me/what have I done wrong" state?

Has her emotional neediness become worse since you had your DD?

It almost sounds like you're parenting her TBH which as you've found is really not possible when you have DD to care for.

I can most definitely relate after being in a very similar situation with ex husband. This is by no means meant to offend anyone, but is she on the Autistic spectrum? Could you possibly have a look round for a therapist with experience in Autism and such like. They may be in a better position to help your partner through her issues which she may also be struggling with. It sounds like she is very dependant on you, and possibly relies on you to 'validate' her as a worthy human. I.e the constant need for physical touch, knowing that she is allowed to do so. Also, I think that largely your noticing it more since having DD because now you have someone else who loves and needs you and you may be feeling a need to prioritize?

I'm most definitely not a touchy feely type, but found that if sometimes I went to HIM, he'd lay off for a while (for want of a better phrase) It must be really horrible to feel like you have no physical privacy, especially after having a baby, that all goes out the window Lol ?? but on the flip side it must be really hard to crave the physical attention whilst being aware that the person you need it from doesn't really appreciate it. Thus making her feel bad.

Sorry for short posts. DD is very fussy today. Think she may be teething

She's not on the ASD, no. She, just like her sister, just have no idea when someone seems disinterested in conversation. I think it's just an upbringing thing.
I know her mental health has not much bearing on her personality (beyond the sensitivity, anxiety, self esteem issues etc.) and I could usually bear it. Found it really endearing.

She doesn't say things like 'what have I done', it's just constant apologising and assuming that if I feel any negative emotion it's her fault. :( that's only been recently.

It's hard to tell whether it's MH problems or DDs birth - she had a bad period around the same time DD was born (hence feeling a bit let down - despite it not being her fault).

I know she has always been an affectionate person. I had more patience. I know I am also more affectionate than most people but not quite so much since DD birth.

That is, I found her affection endearing, not her mental health.

Woops *as not ASD. Must read before posting

I am very very sorry for assuming you were a man. I really am.

assuming that if I feel any negative emotion it's her fault.
Very common in children raised in dysfunctional families, especially those where addiction was present.

It's possible that DD's birth may have kicked these issues up a notch as perhaps she feels she is no longer your first priority (which is absolutely right and as it should be.)

I don't really know what to suggest in all honesty. Can you explain to her that because the baby needs so much care and attention right now, you're a bit "touched out"? Can you come up with some alternatives to touching that she can use when she needs reassurance? She needs to be able to self-soothe, basically, rather than relying on you for it.

To me it sounds like she is in a bad place and been a bit over bearing because of it. Anxiety strips you of your confidence and self esteem, it makes you clingy aswell. Hopefully she can get some help with the anxiety and then things will improve for you both

She sounds really like a typical woman on the Autistic Spectrum - very good verbally but not good in the non verbal domain. Poor executive function, inability to see the big picture, anticipate needs etc. people with a massively divergent, unrecognised cognitive profile often get exhausted trying to function day-to-day and often have massive self-esteem issues and secondary mental health problems, and can need a lot of reassurance. Are you absolutely sure it's not ASD? Professionals are often completely rubbish at diagnosing women and girls. ASD in girls is often extremely subtle. My daughter's diagnosis took 4.5 years. I would be looking at this angle. There is an emerging body of literature on it which is worth perusing although symptom checklists are often pointless, overgeneralised, misleading and confusing

Her sisters could also be on the spectrum - it's a distinct possibility.

You said her therapist mentioned somethings being 'normal for her condition', what condition is this referring too? I also agree it sounds v ASD.

a bit unusual for an ASD woman to be overly tactile, but I guess we don't know all about it. Those I know in rl are all quite avoidant of even social kissing, and can not sleep in a hug with their partners. Isn't a need of space important for AS people?
Otoh not knowing when to stop talking is very usual.

People on the spectrum can have very varied sensory responses. DD has to touch things all the time, like a toddler. If that's the case, then a diversionary tactic can work.