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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling disappointed and deceived...

15 replies

MissMuesli · 07/05/2015 19:28

Been in a relationship for 2.5 years, I am only 23, ex-partner is 28. I have a 4 year old and ex- partner has a 7 year old.

So as said we have been dating for 2 1/2 years, I supported him through university, bad mental health, struggling with a new job and just generally life. We have had some problems but have got over them. One of the main ones has been I am not religious, he is. It's come up a few times and EX-P decided that he was ok that I didn't share his religion although he would prefer if I did.

Also a few issues as I wanted to move in together sooner than he did. He wanted to move in together after 4, nearly 5 years. I wanted to move in together in next few weeks as we were nearly always together and we lived pretty much like a little family.

After some discussion we decided to move in together August. Now I admit it was my suggestion and I probably did push abit but he agreed and went through finances with me. I checked back loads of times that he was happy. Said he could change his mind etc, we've been talking long term about the future. I begin uni soon and we talked about me finishing, saving up, buying a house then having another child- this was lead by him.

So Wednesday I get a call, no warning to say he doesn't think that we should be together. He doesn't want to move in, he wants to find someone who shares his faith, travel, have money etc and he can't do these things with me so that's the end of it.

I know I'm young and I will be fine but I feel so hurt and deceived. I feel like I was allowed to believe in a future that he didn't. It feels dishonest and like I was mislead. He allowed me to tell my daughter he was coming to live with us (he's known her since 2 and I checked first). She was so happy and I was too. We also told his little girl, I have invested alot of time and care into our relationship and wanted to provide her with a happy little place where she could come and be a family. We were looking at wallpaper and bunkbeds together etc (me and ex)

I feel like my little happy, secure future has been pulled away from me and I feel in a state of grief for the plans I should have had :-( just needed to get that off my chest. I am trying not to be emotional and clingy because regardless of how I feel he doesn't want me. His plans don't align with mine and so that's it. I can't force him to be with me but it does hurt :-(

So today I have met up with friends and had a chat and natter, tomorrow I'm going out in the evening so I have plans but I feel bleach about it! :-(

OP posts:

Original poster

MissMuesli · 07/05/2015 19:43

Just seen someone on another thread being laughed at because she is 26. Please don't do this to me, I feel naff enough ad it is!

OP posts:

Vivacia · 07/05/2015 19:46

This sounds so disappointing, and confusing. But you do seem as though you realised not-so-deep-down that you were pushing for more than he wanted to give. It also sounds as though he's after a relationship and you're after a family and fixing everything for the children.

Vivacia · 07/05/2015 19:47

I feel like my little happy, secure future has been pulled away from me and I feel in a state of grief for the plans I should have had

And this bit? Of course you do! It's a requirement

Original poster

MissMuesli · 07/05/2015 20:17

I think you are right. I think I just thought that he was struggling to commit but we were nearly on the same page. We were doing most of the family things.. sharing childcare, staying over alot, going for days out, making the packed lunches, supporting each other through work/ hard times/ ex partners etc. I don't disagree with his decision, I just wish ye had been honest enough to say how he felt rather than letting me think that he was also wanting to move in. Thanks for the flowers!

OP posts:

Inexperiencedchick · 07/05/2015 20:23

Have a faith that everything will be better than you would have expected to...

What kind of religion he is if you don't mind me asking?

Hugs and kisses to you and your little one.

Take care of both of you, x

Vivacia · 07/05/2015 20:23

I'm sure he didn't deceive you. He could quite easily have believed and felt those things when he said them. Perhaps through wanting to believe them?

Original poster

MissMuesli · 07/05/2015 20:24

He is a christian. Feel abit miffed off that I've shared my bed for such a long time but mu lack of religion makes me an unsuitable life partner . Thank you inexperienced!

OP posts:

Original poster

MissMuesli · 07/05/2015 20:27

Vivacia, I don't think he meant to deceive me really. I can tell he feels upset that I'm upset. He did say he has had doubts (mainly about me not being a christian) but he thought he would be able to move past it.

OP posts:

Inexperiencedchick · 07/05/2015 20:34

The point is if you are with a very religious person most of them would expect you to go the same way as they do...

I'm muslim by birth but I don't practice nor my family does...

I had to say "no" to a very religious muslim man for the marriage offer as I thought I wouldn't be able to cope with the pressure. He got offended but at that time I couldn't go beyond myself.

Recently a friend of mine (a christian) for more than 5 years gave me an ultimatum and requested to choose a friendship and convert to become a christian. I respected her will and listened what she wanted to say but I don't respect myself enough to step back and walk my own path...

I found it a bit difficult to be involved with very religious people.

And by all means I respect all religions, no offend to anyone.

Just stay strong!

Inexperiencedchick · 07/05/2015 20:36

I do respect myself ("don't" is a mistake)

Original poster

MissMuesli · 07/05/2015 20:38

I have also found it quite difficult to be honest. It's such a personal thing and so defining. I do understand my exes needs in terms of his religion and he is surrounded by traditional christian couples who pray together, study the bible etc, unless I convert he couldn't have that with me. But at the same time I don't believe what he believes so converting isn't an option which kind of makes it impossible!

OP posts:

Inexperiencedchick · 07/05/2015 20:44

I think further down the road you will be glad that it didn't work out...

But take your time to heal it's important, x

PeppermintPasty · 07/05/2015 20:51

It's tough, and no one will laugh at you. You sound very together about it to me, and getting things off your chest is what this place is for, so carry on!

Be good to yourself, you've had a shock, and you'll be worrying about your child's reaction to it all too. Take your time.

faitaccompli · 07/05/2015 21:20

You sound very together and a survivor.

On the other thread, people queried her when she said she was getting past it at 26. Not that because she was 26 that she was too young to know any better.

lavenderhoney · 07/05/2015 21:37

Better he says now than moves in. And of course you're pissed off, anyone would be, and the sunk emotional costs. At least he didn't move in, play happy families and then move out.

If he has a dd, he isn't thinking about her much, with his wanting to travel and do stuff- clearly he doesn't see himself as having responsibilities there- you've had a lucky escape tbh.

Going out with friends, concentrating on your own life and plans for the future is the way to go. You sound very sensible and nice, more than capable of dealing with him getting cold feet. Don't look back.

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