Relationship not going anywhere

[Bexicle22]

I've been with my partner for almost two years now. I'm not getting any younger, I'm 26 this year as is he. I kind of want my life to start.

We are in a happy relationship. My partner has been saying for over a year that he wants to move in with me and my daughter. In December a house came up for rent which I really liked and after much discussion we decided to go for it. I said beforehand that if we were to move in to this house, it had to be together. I didn't like all the back and forth we had with the last one and just wanted to settle. He agreed and said things would be different. But six months on and it's still the same.

The reason he doesn't live here full time is because he works an hours drive away and the petrol there and back every day would cost too much so he stays at his parents who aren't as far away. Which is a good enough excuse. However since saying he wants to move in, he has been applying for jobs closer but just not hard enough. He says he's applying to everything but I never see him trawling websites while he's here and when he's at his parents he's usually either watching the football with his brother or sleeping. There have been a few occasions where jobs have called him and he's missed the call but he hasn't called them back. The last time someone rang him, I said are you going to call them back and he said, probably not, the job didn't sound very nice. Now I work as a catering assistant at a school and spend my day elbow deep in a sink full of soggy food so my job is hardly what you would call 'nice' but I do it because I want money for our house, for our future.

I know a lot of you will say, well he obviously doesn't want to live with you, but he was the one who brought it up in the first place, he is the one that always mentions it. I mean, I'm happy to live on my own as I did it for 5 years but I'm not happy being in a part-time relationship. I asked would he help me with bills since he was living here half the week, this was back in February, and he said yes. It's now May and he's not given me anything, keeps saying oh well I just paid my car insurance so I'll have to give it to you next week etc. Living this way would be okay if we were younger or if we were casual but we're not either of those things. I feel like I'm in a relationship that is going nowhere. As long as he has that job, he won't live here full time. And as long as he doesn't get off his bum and look for something else, even if it's not his dream job, then he will remain in his current job. How long do I have to wait? What if he never gets another job, will I live in a part time relationship forever?

I recently had an abortion (please don't judge me, I'm having a hard enough time as it is) and one of the reasons he managed to convince me with was that he would miss out on so much because he doesn't live here due to work. So what, I have to put my entire life on hold until he can be bothered to get another job? I don't really know what to do to be honest. They've stopped my tax credits without warning and said I need to make a joint claim as he lives here a few days a week and when I do make the joint claim, I'm going to be about £100 worse off a week. But he's not living here, he's not paying bills or helping financially, so how the hell am I supposed to manage?

Sorry for the rant, I'm not really sure what advice I'm asking for, just kind of needed to get it off my chest.

Dear lord if henis like this when youre dating why would you want to make a future with him?!

Get rid and then get a grip. Your life has started already. It does not need the presence of A Man! Any Man! Even a shit man as long as there's a man around... It's because you are desperate not to be single that you have not only put up with this tosser for so long but you will fall for the next chancer who comes your way.

You're going to be waiting a whole lot longer if what you're waiting for is for this man to shape up.

He's not going to. This is who he is.

If you want a stable future that is not riddled with disappointment, dump the loser, and rely on yourself only, or on reliable other grown-ups.

Solidgoldbrass, I appreciate you replying but with all due respect, you don't know me. I find it a bit offensive that you are suggesting I'm with someone simply because I think I need a man, I know full well that I don't need a man and have lived without one quite happily for many years. I do love him for him but I don't love the way he acts about things. I don't believe in cutting someone out without giving a last chance, especially someone who has become familiar to my daughter. Yes, I know he is a freeloader and he is taking me for a ride. I have been far too soft. I don't think it is fair, however, to presume you know me by implying that I will go googly-eyed for any man who will have me because that simply isn't true. I am more than capable of standing on my own two feet and if it means ending my relationship to ensure I'm not being made a mug of then so be it. I'm not scared of doing that and I'm certainly not clinging onto my relationship because I don't want to be on my own.

Also I do agree with other pp's RE why would he listen now after not listening in the past. Maybe I'm delusional and naive in thinking that if I really lay it on thick he might change. When we are together, we really are the best of friends but his idiotic attitude is too much now and it needs to end now.

By all means give him one last chance. But do be prepared for him to do exactly as he has before - afterall it's worked for him in the past so it's unlikely he will really change. I think if he really wanted to move in he would. When my DP and I made a plan to move in together we stuck to it. It's lengthened my commute and increased the cost but I still did it because I want to live with him. Your boyfriend is just making excuses. I also suspect that if he did move in he would still expect you to shoulder the financial burden, and probably do all the chores too. You'll be better off in all ways without him.

solid that wasn't very nice and you surprised me with your comments.

OP - I'm sorry, but he really doesn't sound like a keeper to me.

I think the actual worst thing that could happen right now is that this Loser moves in with OP and makes a pretence of Happy Families. Selfish, freeloading attitudes like his do not disappear overnight, this is is his basic personality and will never change.

Sure, he can be nice when he gets what he wants (some daft woman accepting that they do all the shitwork, letting him off the hook repeatedly, burying their own needs to attend to his, compromising their own children's emotional growth by modelling terrible relationships etc etc) but if you have to "lay it on the line" to get some basic respect, give it up now

I'm shocked by the abortion, but I'm not judging you. I do judge him. I do judge men who make women pregnant and "get them" to have an abortion. I think it's such a disrespect of the woman's soul and body.

Bex

re your comment:-
"I do love him for him but I don't love the way he acts about things. I don't believe in cutting someone out without giving a last chance, especially someone who has become familiar to my daughter. Yes, I know he is a freeloader and he is taking me for a ride. I have been far too soft"

Do you actually know what a mutually loving relationship is?. I do not think that you do because you've likely never been shown one either. Its certainly not this one with this individual.

Solid's comments may appear harsh to you but I would certainly agree with her summary. You need some straight talking from people who do not know you and who are not over invested like your friends and family may be.

How many chances have you already given this man; you forget that the damage here has already been done.

Read up on co-dependency within relationships and see how much of that fits in with you. You need to look closely at your role in this here because you are also partly responsible. Your innate soft heartedness is your worst enemy. You were the one who allowed this man to become familiar to your DD after all, now he's going to have to go and you will have some explaining to do. Why was he at all introduced to her by you?. What did you learn about relationships when growing up - ask yourself that thorny question now.

Is this really the sort of man you want to be around as a role model for your DD?. For her to potentially also end up with a cocklodger too?. Bloody hell, at 26 your relationship bar should be a lot higher than it currently is. Where is your self respect here?.

People only change if they want to and this man will not; its hard enough to change even one aspect of your own behaviours. Men like this one have a deleterious effect on self worth and chancers like this individual basically and simply see you as an opportunity to exploit. Also they hate women, all of them.

Okay well thank you for your constructive comments, it's given me something to seriously think about. I definitely appreciate the patronising and telling me that I am ruining my child's life and I am a "daft woman" with no self respect who has dared to fall in love with someone before finding out their major flaws and is now having a hard time differentiating between what I like about him as the person I knew when I started dating and the person who is trying to fuck me over now, I didn't realise that was such a crime. With the greatest of respect, I am not some deluded person with a warped sense of relationships, I have a mother and father who are still very happily married, none of my family has been through divorce or separation so I have grown up with the correct grasp of reality. I don't need to be psychoanalysed, this isn't some deep-rooted issue from childhood. In regards to why I introduced him to DD in the first place, well we have been together nearly two years, I couldn't exactly keep her hidden away as if she didn't exist. They didn't meet until six months into the relationship. Funnily enough, my crystal ball didn't alert me to the fact that later on down the line I would be in this situation, perhaps I need to get it looked at as it is obviously broken.

Again, I thank everyone who has given me constructive advice about how maybe giving him the boot is the best idea and how he is just freeloading and won't change no matter how many chances I give him, I have absolutely taken that on board. However I think to avoid those of you who have called me names, presumed you know me, and just been generally rude, perhaps I will post elsewhere from now. And I know all of those people will say "truth hurts" no it doesn't, I came here for truthful advice and I got it but what I also got was patronised as if I'm a child, which I can assure you all, I'm not.

I also come from a loving family with parents who are still together. That didn't stop me having an EA relationship either. You can't see it coming and it leaves you blindsided and bewildered. I'm not saying that your boyfriend is emotionally abusive btw. I guess up until recent years I didn't know what a healthy relationship was either. It didn't mean I had to grab any man either. Ive been single for long periods of time and have enjoyed it.
I guess I am trying to say we can all learn about healthy relationships. some of us don't get it straight off.
I have always appreciated the honest and to the point advice on MN but I think the OP here DID have lots of assumptions made about her and it wasn't very nice.
There is no reason why people can't give the same advice without sticking the boot in.

He argued that you should have an abortion because he wouldn't see much of his DC due to having a job (and home) elsewhere? so even with a DC possibly on the way the he was unwilling to make changes like getting a new job and moving in.

Big mistake when he is so unreliable not to get info before you moved on benefits implications of him contributing to the rent (but nothing else). You and DD will be financially worse off without the benefit of actually having a decent partner / stepfather present in your home and family.

Can you afford the place on your own? If not suggest looking to move again somewhere cheaper. And working towards a better paid job. You can't rely on him to stump up or show up.