Should I mind my own business?

[Cherrybakewell33]

My brothers girlfriend regularly abuses him verbally. She says horrible awful things to him (now uses the baby as emotional abuse) is incredibly controlling as to who he speaks to and is always accusing him of lying about his whereabouts and regularly has to prove where he is.

She's 6 months pregnant and they're about to move into a flat together. I've pointed out that she shouldn't treat him that way and if the genders were reversed everyone would be saying it's an abusive relationship but he doesn't see it. He just says that he finds it stupid and just ignores he vicious rants until she's calmed down and apologised.

I've tried to point out how toxic the relationship is but it falls on deaf ears. So do I now just stay out of it until he realises that's it's wrong and leaves? I'm worried about it escalating to psychical violence but that's just probably my protective instinct. Thanks for any advice.

It is so hard to see someone in a bad relationship like this but unless he sees the need to leave then you're wasting your time. All you can do is be there for him and support him if and when does leave.

How do you know these things are happening op?

If he is confiding in you its best not to verbally attack her too much.

Keep your brother close, keep supporting him.

And definitely don't say anything to her directly, she may well isolate your brother further or punish him for confiding in you

He's told me, shown me text messages and emails. I've never said anything to her directly, nor would I because obviously she would know he has been telling me what she says. She's always nice in front of others, and I am always nice back but I do bite my tongue regularly! I think she's insecure as she's obsessed with him cheating, but I wish she could see that her behaviour is unacceptable and irrational.

I'm not going to get involved further, I will just makes sure I'm always here when needed. X

I don't think you should get involved, especially if she is 6 months pregnant.

I know it's difficult to stand by and watch, but sometimes you have no choice! Just be there to pick up the pieces if anything goes wrong.

I would stay out of it. My brother is with a girl who regularly belittles him/his job in front of my family and it's always very uncomfortable but we don't say anything to her. He's a grown up now, and he's capable of telling her when she's gone too far, and he does sometimes. If it were full on verbal/physical abuse my parents would step in (tbh how my mam has refrained from slapping her a couple of times is beyond me!) but other than that, it's their relationship and we leave them to it.

It is regular full on verbal abuse. He's useless, ugly, fucking idiot, bastard, dont ever come near me again we dont need you, prick etc sort of abuse. Really irrational but yes I'm definitely going to leave it and just be there if its ever needed x

And another child is coming into this?

I would be making a report to SS personally.

Abusers always apologise and they can be male or female. Your brother is caught up in the cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one (look up cycle of abuse).

I would keep all lines of communication between you and he open as much as possible. Do not let her isolate him, he needs you now more than ever. I would also be talking to Mankind and seeking their advice too.

I feel also sorry for the as yet unborn child because that person will become emotionally harmed by seeing his abusive mother abuse his father. A call to Social services is one that you will likely have to make ultimately for that child's sake particularly if your brother does not leave her. He may not leave her, also male victims of abuse find it very hard to open up and seek help because of shame and disbelief that this is happening to them. This is also why I suggest you talk to Mankind now.

What do you know about her OP in terms of her own family background?.

www.mankind.org.uk/

Your poor Db, I don't think you should stay out of it. He's clearly being abused by this twat. Is he living with her already? Does he still want to be with her. I too would be concerned about a child being brought up in that environment.

Nope not living together yet. He says he thinks its funny, but I'm not sure he does. I don't think he sees it as abusive but I do, so I didn't know if I was just being overprotective. I think he is putting up a front. He has already said he would leave her if it wasn't for the fact she is pregnant.

I don't know anything about her family, nobody has met them. I don't think there are any family issues that side. She's an only child that's as much as I know.

I just wish I could get him to see that it's not funny but he doesn't seem to care. They're both so immature and I'm worried a baby will only make this worse but he's an adult who has his head buried in the sand .

This is really a car crash of a relationship isn't it.

No you are and have not been over protective of your brother here; life is going to hit him right between the eyes soon enough. He needs to realise that he cannot stay simply for the child's sake; doing that rarely if ever works out well even without his partner's abuse of him. He will soon be made to care if he does not already; I think your thinking about him putting on a front is correct.

You cannot say though that you do not think there are any familial issues on her side of the family because you've never met any of them. I personally think she has a whole shedload of issues stemming from them. You really know next to nothing about her at all really, her violence has likely come from within her own family of origin and she likely grew up herself within a violent household.

Oh no i definitely cannot say for sure there are no family issues, just none have ever been mentioned that's all. I do believe she has issues that clearly need to be addressed, but she thinks it's fine to behave that way and my brother just allows it I just don't know what to do.

It's definitely a car crash. I know its only verbal abuse and its very easy to just ignore it until its all calmed down but surely lots of psychical abuse starts off with verbal abuse.

I'm not sure if a baby will improve things or make them a million times worse, I'm worried it's the latter.

Hi Cherry

I would agree with your current summary of the situation.

Verbal abuse is just as damaging as being hit. It is often a precursor to physical abuse as well and it would not surprise me at all if she has become physically as well as verbally violent towards him. Your brother is really a battered man and he is in denial of what is happening (perhaps also through a misplaced sense of fear and shame on his own account). He may well love this woman but her actions are not at all loving.

A baby is also going to widen the schisms that are already there. This is not going to end well for that child either.

Abuse of whatever sort thrives on secrecy; keep the lines of communication open with him, talk to Mankind and do not let her further isolate him from his family unit.

Thanks atilla

She is lovely around me and everyone else. She can be lovely to him behind close doors but he can go on Facebook, talk to someone she doesnt like, go out to the shop or whatever and she turns and then verbally abuses him, grinding him down, accusing him of allsorts he hasn't done and says some awful things.

I guess because he doesnt seem bothered and thinks its funny and neither does anyone else I just feel like I'm maybe being dramatic.

He says he thinks it's funny and laughs it off but he also said he would have left if it wasn't for the pregnancy so I'm not sure. I'm just worried for him, I fully expect her to hit him at some point.

I will always be here for him, I've offered him my spare room if it is ever needed so fingers crossed I can get him to look at some support sites if he wants. thanks for your help x

He says he thinks it's funny and laughs it off but he also said he would have left if it wasn't for the pregnancy so I'm not sure.

The common cultural image of females abusing males in our society is as a comedy :( so it's not surprising that he would try to laugh it off. But I think you're right that really he doesn't want to put up with it.

If she presents her controlling behaviour as "I do it because I love you so much" then he may have felt flattered - god knows plenty of abusive men use that line effectively on women :(

I wouldn't push it with him in case you push him away. But just let him know that your door is always open and that you'd never judge him for walking away - even if she is pregnant (or when she has had the baby.) He can still be a parent even if the relationship break down.

You're absolutely right. He's definitely the type of person who doesn't want to come across as 'weak' so is laughing it off but it's just not funny.

He knows my door is open and he will always have a room at my house if he ever needs it.