I have posted before and NC as my name was known. I am posting again as I feel completely desperate today and just need to talk/not feel so alone/get some perspective. Sorry if any is a repeat, I just want to give a full picture.
My DP of 2.5 years recently announced that he wanted to work abroad for 10 months. Prior to this, my job moved me 1.45 hours from where we currently lived. My DP KNEW this would happen since the day he met me (it was a contract due to start 2 years in advance of the offer). We talked about it when we lived together and he agreed that he would want to live half way when my new job started. I had moved to where he lived, to live with him, where he had a 20 min drive to work. As the months led up to my new job starting, I asked if he wanted to start looking at new places to move to, in the middle, as discussed. This would give him a 40 minute commute, and me 1.10 minute commute - which I was happy with. 2 months before we were due to move, he said he couldnt cope with moving, didnt want to move to a new area without friends, didnt want a 'long' commute etc. I was frustrated as I felt he had let me know a bit last minute.
I moved away to do this job - without outing myself, I had little choice but to take the job as it pretty much trains me for a career and is very competitive. Worth mentioning that I suggested to DP that I find a similar role where we lived at the time (though it would have been hard to find, i wanted to try), and his response was 'don't do that for me, you've worked for this.' Wasnt sure how to take that.
When we started living apart, I saw DP very little. This isn't to say that he made 0 effort. He came to visit at weekends (he was in a houseshare and I wasnt), but often elected to work weekends and so had to cancel. He would often cancel on the Tuesday and then I wouldnt see him that weekend. It was frustrating and upsetting as often I was left without weekend plans, as we had made them together and then he 'had to work.' He blamed this on his job and the nature of it. I know he was working, there is no question of that (ie he wasnt seeing anyone else), but this was one of the reasons i wanted to live in the middle as i KNEW these kinds of things would happen with his job, as they did when we lived together, but obviously then we had week nights together.
As the months went on he agreed it was unsustainable to live like we were. He suggested we moved to the middle. He went to look at places after work and we choose somewhere. A day before we were due to sign on the place, he said he wanted to back out because it was 'too soon since we last moved,' it would be 'too expensive,' and he 'was tired of it and needed a rest.' Needless to say I was shocked, hurt, disillusioned with us. At this point he told me he wanted a 2 week break and he wanted to speak but wouldnt be visitng me. Instead he went out with friends and pretty much ignored me for 2 weeks. I was heartbroken and confused...I needed his support after how much he had messed me about, not for him to do that.
He later apologised for all this and said he looks back and realises how stupid he was and how much strain it put on us as a couple. A couple of months later, he said he wanted to actually move. We started looking at places - again - then weeks later he said he wanted to take a job abroad for 10 months. He said it was bad timing in light of everything else and he understood i was upset/hurt/confused/lost. I have felt like I have no choice but to accept the situation...I don't want to force someone to not do something like that.
He has also done/said some things that have made me worry. In a recent argument he said 'being selfish makes people happy so that's what i'm going to do, be selfish.' (in relation to the work abroad). He claims it was said in anger, but it was said calmly so I wonder... he also told me I could use his car while he worked abroad, and I relied on that so didnt take out a lease for one which i could have done, and then out of the blue said he had changed his mind.
He has now said he wants me to have his car and that he will contribute towards rent and will help buy furniture for us for when he returns, in order to make some sort of commitment to us. He wants to see one another regularly and will pay the bulk of the visits. He says he wants to make things work and constantly talks about marriage, kids etc. I feel so conflicted. I love him, but feel like he is incredibly unstable, and part of me thinks if I give this a go now, will I end up in the same place a year on...no husband, no kids, no home...because ultimately, he will do as he pleases, as he has always done? Probably not relevant but his parents were much later in life when they settled down and had him, and have since divorced, and his mum is very very anti relationships/pro the single life, to the point at which I feel my DP has been brought up to think a lot of how he he treated me has been normal.
I am completely conflicted and lost.