haunted by his past affair

[newtricks]

This is so weird -you may not believe me- so I will keep it short- 20 years ago my husband came home and admitted he had kissed someone at a works conference- I though nothing of it as it was only kiss and he had told me-( recently in the press they refer to kissing being sexual contact something I had not even though about previously) I was so upset I brought the subject up and now my husband denies he ever told me and cant remember- I have been upset for months- I have had to get over this now- but part of me doesn't love him as much anymore and I only feel 99% complete in our relationship- any advice would be very useful as every so often negative thoughts keep cropping up about this- thanks for listening

20 years! I'm not surprised he's forgotten as it obviously meant nothing to him.

Why is this coming up for you now? Are you feeling like you don't trust him recently?

no- not really- its just that kissing being classed as sexual contact has made me realise there may have been more to it? is bothering me more that he doesn't remember?

it has not helped as he recently retired from work and one of the messages on his retirement card said-"save a few days for me" and was not signed by anyone?
this has made me think as he has worked for the company for 25 years- yes this has most probably caused the reaction- at the back of my mind-

Well obviously you need to know who he's saving these days for and for how long.

kissing being classed as sexual contact

It's up to you to define what's "sexual contact" or what counts as "infidelity". Certainly when you're talking about a child being abused, it's useful to class kissing as "sexual contact". However, the media aren't in your marriage, so it's up to you to set those boundaries!

Honestly unless you've cause for recent concern - outside of a jokey comment in a retirement card! - I would try to put this out of your mind.

Is it possible you're transferring worries about his retirement back onto this long-forgotten drunken snog?

If I'd behaved inappropriately outside of my marriage then I'd sure as hell remember it, not matter how little it meant to me.

He's minimising and you've got your niggling doubts based on what's happening now. I'm not surprised.

Do you feel loved and cherished? Likewise do you love and cherish him?

In the past I've only felt bad about my marriage when the marriage hasn't been nurtured by us both.