re-thinking the future with him

[CarryOnFighting]

I am considering ending my relationship after 4 years. DP and I are supposed to be moving in together in July (with my 9-year-old DD) and I need to make a decision.

I want to give a lot of background so as not to drip feed so I apologise if it is long, I am going to try and bullet point as much as possible.

We met online. The relationship developed very slowly. He was quite reluctant to commit. For a long time, he would not leave OD and on a couple of occasions in the first 18 months I saw texts from other women which caused arguments.

For the first few years, everything would be fantastic for a while but whenever we argued or an issue arose we would split up. I could never get him to discuss anything. We would always continue to text and then get back together. I guess things were always largely on his terms.

The relationship became more serious when he had to start working away during the week about 18 months ago. Shortly before the stat of the contract, we argued again and decided we had to end it anyway as he was going to be away. We continued to stay in touch, decided we couldn’t live without each other (mutual) and we would make a proper go of it.

We planned to move intogether this summer

Last November, I fell pregnant. I would have kept the baby but he didn’t want to. He said he “wasn’t going there”. If I wanted to keep the baby, I would have had to do it on my own. We split again because I felt he wasn't supporting me.

I decided I didn’t want to do it on my own, so I had a termination. We stayed in contact and ended up getting back together after the abortion.

My family were against this and still are. They feel he has treated me badly over the years and the abortion was the last straw.

But I love him and I decided life is better with him. Things were pretty blissful for several months and we planned our future together. Recently, he has started a new job locally so is around a lot more. We are spending more time together than we ever have and I am wondering if this is just highlighting the fact that really we are not compatible.

I hate the way when he is at my house I have to pick up after him all the time. I hate how untidy and messy his place is.

He is out doing hobbies every night during the week so he comes to mine at 10pm most nights.

But the major thing is last week we had an argument, I told him I was concerned about some things relating to us moving in together and he completely closed up. He cannot communicate and always just says “i am not arguing”. We didn’t speak for days and even when we did see each other he wouldn’t discuss the original issue in depth. I apologised to try and open up the lines of communication and he closed the discussion.

I do love him but I don’t want to live like that. I feel like I have fought so hard over the years to keep us together, I am going against my parents who I love and I don’t want to give up on him now

Is there a way forward?

Essentially please yes, I suppose that sums it up

The idea of him "storming off" makes it all sound dramatic but it actually doesn't happen like that. Because of his refusal to talk, most of these "discussions" when they happen are by text.

The last argument we had last week started on the phone, he closed the conversation. Knowing I wouldn't be able to get him to talk about it again on the phone, I sent him a long text. He replied he wasn't going to argue and ignored it. He then tried to text goodnight and good morning as usual and I said I wasn't engaging unless we talked about the issue. We didn't speak for two days.

So he refused to leave OLD and flirted with other women during the first 18m, got you pregnant then bailed out, takes off after an argument, puts his hobbies before you, is lazy, can't discuss living with you, your entire sensible family pointing this out to you and you still think he's lovely?
You are clearly wrong as to what is a healthy, normal relationship however you seem committed to being with him.

Do you want another child OP?

I always thought I did. When I fell last year, at first I thought he would be Ok about it and I imagined the future with another child.

I decided I didn't want to do it alone as I want the family unit more than I want to do it on my own again.

I knew by then if I got back with him, I'd never have children and I was OK with that. I thought the lovely life we could have was worth it.

I don't desperately want more children, but yes, I will admit if I had
My time again and found someone a few years ago who did, then I would have done.

I think it's too late now. I'm 38

You clearly are not going to end it but to move in with him would be madness, he wont even engage with you about things that matter or are important and sorry OP, he did force you into an abortion, a man that truly loves you with all his heart does not do this, whether it turned out the right thing to do in the end or not.

He actually sounds nothing but hard work, he can't even do the basics like communicate, how does he expect to have a life partner when he closes down every time something that matters, perhaps to you, comes up? Sorry but actions speak volumes, he does fuck all but keep you on your toes, maybe time you started calling the shots, one being, you are not moving in with him until the communication side of your relationship dramatically improves, you are not asking for much!

You are still young at 38, find a man that truly loves you and your baby, regardless of whether it was planned, or not.

Bottom line is, this man does NOT have your back.

Do you want to be second in your life not able to make your own decisions unless they are what he wants? And your DD learning to be subservient in relationships!? That's the future.

It's not that I won't end it with him, that is what I am thinking about. But I've been here before and we get back together. I want to be certain about what I want. I know I sound like I'm defending the relationship but I'm writing everything that comes through my mind when I go back.

I've already extended the contract on my own house. I am going to tell him tonight. I suspect he won't even engage in a conversation then about why and well...that's all I need to know isn't it?

No I don't want to be subservient. Believe it or not thAts the last thing I'd be called in any other area of my life.

Why have I done this though? Just tell me black and white how I've been subservient?

Anything he doesn't want to discuss is not discussed - teaching you to pipe down and shut up. Pointless to raise the topic again as you know you'll get nowhere.

The relationship is largely on his terms.

You hate how he is in your house and still pick up and clean up after him. And at this point he is a guest! What happens if you say - hey pick up your clothes/plates whatever /clean up your mess..?

His place is messy- so I'd imagine he's too important to clean /tidy himself - needs a 50's housewife.

He refuses to communicate with you - not speaking to you for days until you do as you're told/drop the subject / accept his way is right.

All unequal and you are in the submissive/ subservient role each time IMO.

I thought the lovely life we could have was worth it.

What lovely life? Him doing his hobbies, inability to discuss anything difficult ever, having to have rows via SMS and picking up his crap forever more. What's lovely about any of that?

Do you think he would stick by you if something bad happened? It sounds like he barely sticks by you in the good times.

I would have been gone once I knew he was still looking despite being in a relationship with me. The rest of it is awful too. Don't move in with him. When you meet the right person it's not this much effort, honestly.

You mentioned that you are going against your family in staying with this man. If you leave him they will not be cheering and saying we told you so. They will be massively relieved, support you and help you rebuild your future. It's not about losing face. We've all stayed with people where others have thought we shouldn't, at the end of the day it's your life.

As it is your life why don't you take control of it ? Who put him in charge ? Some people tell their partner that they love them after they've physically assaulted them, do you think this means they really do ? This man has treated you appallingly, but he says "I love you" - so what ? Where are the words you need to communicate with him over the things in life we all have to discuss ?

He sounds like a selfish, lazy, entitled teenager. You, and certainly your daughter, deserve so much more.

Just saw your question.

I mean, yes, you love him, but love doesn't conquer all. There are some fundamental issues (attitudes to babies, building a family) that he doesn't want to engage in.

did I have the right to force a baby on him any more than he had a right to push me into a termination?

Yes.

What he did in getting you pregnant and then abandoning you was the mark of a very nasty, very selfish, very dishonourable man, one who doesn't care about what is best for you, or whether you are happy. In short, a man who doesn't love you at all, and by the sounds of it never has.

I have no idea why you get off on being treated like shit, but you clearly do.

God love your 9 year old growing up watching this toxic shit play out in front of her.

Jesus Christ, he sounds like a massive twat (to put it very mildly).

Don't move in with him. Honestly, there a men out there who are worth a million of him.

Please don't let your daughter grow up to think 'men' like him are the norm.

He's an entitled twat and a terrible example of a functional relationship to your daughter.

Comes and crashes at yours, gets a feed and a shag and hotel service on top, when things don't go his way he strops and splits up with you.