feeling insecure....why?

[Lukat]

hi all,
after 19 years of marriage I separated from dh at Christmas and it's all very amicable. ..We simply fell out of love. dh admitted to me that he hadn't loved me for several years despite telling me everyday.
so now I have met a man and he is so sweet, very attentive, funny, helpful etc but I just can't seem to shake off the fear of losing it all.
I don't seem to be able to think rationally. ....can someone help and advice me on how to shake it off before he runs for the hills.

If you weren't irrationally insecure in your marriage, it's not unlikely that you're picking up on small clues that he is untrustworthy.

Humans are programmed to learn from their past. That's why one bad experience instills fear and thousands of good to try to overlay the bad.

My advice would be to ensure that you take your new chap into your confidence and share your hopes and fears.

Communication is the key to any good relationship, your last one didn't have it so don't make the mistake of you clamming up and not saying your feelings for this one.

Some things are worth the risk

I get this feeling still after months with new boyfriend.

I get this sometimes. I think because my long term relationship ended really badly - he well and truly pulled out the rug from under my feet. Everything I'd believed in was a falsehood.

I sometimes just get a 'this is going to go wrong' feeling and find it hard to take lovely new bf at face value.

However I did confide in him and he says if I feel like this he wants me to let him know and he will reassure me. I think that is what you need to do too.

I don't think it's surprising that you find it hard to go with the flow if your ex was telling you he loved you for years but actually didn't. It is hard to shake off the shock of being lied to and not to tar all others with the same brush.

You were married for 19 years and it's been 4 months. I wasn't ready foe a relationship after 6 years of marriage, for at least 2 years.

Keep it casual, keep it light with this new guy. Enjoy yourself but don't think you've met your next husband, because you almost certainly have a lot more growing and learning to do.

Sorry, just realised that sounded hideously patronising! I mean you still need to feel comfortable with yourself as a single person and break any bad habits of your marriage and work out what you truly want for yourself before you decide what you need in a long-term partner.

Sorry I am probably drip feeding.....not used to posting.
I met this new man almost straight away to be honest so I've been seeing him for 5 months.
He does so much for me and treats me well but I just focus on the little negative things.