Anyone else feel that they have become a pariah after separation?

[newnamesamegame]

That's it really... just trying to work out if its all in my head (quite possible) or if some people really are a bit funny with you and if you go down in their estimation if your marriage fails. And if you can ever recover from it?

Someone else posted a similar thread on this recently and it got me thinking.

A couple of people I know reasonably well, both of whom were extremely supportive to me when I went through a bereavement recently (to the point that it was well beyond the call of duty) have made no reference at all to me about my marriage having failed when I see both regularly. I don't expect to be wrapped in cotton wool but the contrast is quite noticeable.

Also generally, I just feel very wary that the people I see regularly will think I'm a loser, a failure, someone whose bad luck will rub off.

I'm very lucky to have good friends -- real friends, not just acquaintances.

But I also get this general, non-specific sense that people look down on me, think I'm poisoned, because my marriage has failed.

At work, where I have a good relationship with my colleagues, I have gone out of my way not to burden people, not to over-share (in fact not to share at all, haven't told anyone why my marriage has failed), never to let anyone see I am crying or upset and generally to keep it all at arm's length and pretend its all OK. And I still feel this vague sense that they pity me and don't want to be associated with me.

There's a big work social event coming up soon which normally I would be looking forward to but I'm sort of wondering if it would be better if I didn't go as I feel my presence there is sort of like a bad charm...

In a way I don't care really. I know I've done the right thing. But I'm curious: for those among you who are separated/divorced -- did the feeling of being shop-soiled goods ever go away?

Yes for me after about a year (very public/nasty split).

It takes time for both you and those around you to accept the 'new' and for it to become the norm.

Good luck.

Yup, and doubly so when you don't have children. Because that seems to allow everyone to draw their own conclusions about why your marriage didn't work out. My ex moved on immediately, and straight in with someone new, so I get the distinct impression everyone assumes it must be something I wasn't doing right, even if they're paying lip service to what a bastard he was.

And when you're over 40 when it breaks down... Jesus, the sympathetic looks. If one more person says, 'Have you tried internet dating/looked into artificial insemination?' I will hit them with my fucking spinning wheel.

It'll all pass. I just rant at home to the dog, and try not to let any bitterness show to the outside world, because that would just confirm whatever my paranoia thinks they're thinking. I guess the secret is to meet as many new people as you can, who don't know the previous you and just the 'you' you are now.

Oh, sorry, your actual question! Yes, I definitely think you should go to the event. Get a glamorous blowdry beforehand, buy a new outfit, go and put on a bright smile and let everyone see how rejuvenated you've been by your overdue break-up. If you spend the evening sitting on the sofa at home, all they can think is, 'Oh, poor newname, I bet she's sitting on the sofa at home, how sad', whereas if you're actually there... You don't have to stay to the end if you don't want to. And please do believe any colleagues who say, 'Are you going to come, we'd love to see you' because chances are they mean it, and your relationship status doesn't make the slightest difference to them. Single people are much less interesting than colleagues whose relationships are disintegrating in gossipworthy ways

I absolutely recognise the "pariah" thing, have had some pretty thoughtless treatment from "friends". Eg "Oh we thought you wouldnt want to come on your own it might be embarrassing for you" about an event I was ALREADY INVITED TO before the split. Ex wasn't going either. Someone from work actually emailed me to commiserate. "I expect it gets harder to find a new partner at your age too, but don't give up hope yet". Yes, really.

Even members of my family have done it. It hurt at first but I've grown a thick skin and I can laugh at it now. They're just scared of my all round gorgeousness being off the leash I think.

I had this from some of my oldest best girlfriends when I left my H. I think they thought either it might be infectious or that I might lure their men away!!
I was hurt and cross especially as my XH went on a charm offensive to invite them to dinner with his new GF and they went along. It damaged the friendships but other friends stepped up and were hugely supportive and kind to me.
The old friendships only recovered when I met DP and was safely coupled up again

Yep. Ex's entire family just pretends like we (me and the dcs) don't exist. It's like they cannot even associate with the dcs as family because of ex. Very hurtful to the dcs as they've literally lost his whole side of the family, so it does irritate me some, but there's nothing I can really do about it anyway.

Yep my ex was a complete shit and told a million lies ... Lost many friends as he made me out to be a freak and a psycho ( DS tried to kill himself and ex couldn't leave dinner at his friends as it appeared rude!!) He came out smelling of roses and new girlfriend been introduced. So ...
Be warned if you met a new man in m&s this year ...?He's a compulsive liar!

Oh and he said the same about wife number one.
So yes and I should have known better - still they are slowly finding out!

Thanks all... was starting to wonder if I was becoming seriously paranoid. Walked into work yesterday after a meeting and they were clearly talking about me and this subject. Feeling sorry for me. In a good, compassionate way. But still feeling sorry for me.

The thing is I am at peace with what I've done and feel more comfortable with myself than I have for the best part of a decade.

But I suppose centuries of looking down on or pitying women for being on their own takes a while to shake off.