I love my DH dont get me wrong but we are like friends sharing a house. No physical intimacy, not many hugs and the conversation is not what it was. He misuses alcohol and has lapses when he gets silly or and nasty/unreasonable at present though he is again making effort to cut down which is virtually nothing to drink. I need the love, laughter, sex, hugs etc. He is agoraphobic (has local shop for a safe place at certain times) so does not go anywhere so going out together is not possible and i miss that. I have BPD so there is an element of "i hate you dont leave me". I worry i will not cope alone if i leave and no one else will ever want me. I have the majority of the symptoms of BPD and a diagnosis from psych so things are distressing for me,. I work full time which is a life saver if i was home all day i would not cope at all and end up on psych ward again. 1st DH used to look at porn and say why cant you look like that so when i have found out on several occasions in the past current DH has looked i spiral and my ED flares up again. I am sure he is looking at it again as each time he doe go to the shop he turns off his computer. I feel this is to prevent me from snooping but he says he would have turned it off anyhow as we were about to watch a TV programme etc. If he is looking at it and not giving me any physical intimacy then it must mean he does not find me attractive. I am only 40 look younger and try to maintain my appearance ( BPD makes me obsessive about appearance) make up, hair , stay slim etc. I am rambling now i know but i just dont know what to do.