Validating myself

[gbuk]

I'm currently working at coming to terms with my past, a painful and very hard process. background in a nutshell - I was sexually abused when I was 11 (no one in my family know this, just my DH) and have always been an outsider , always felt on the periphery of my birth family (oldest of 4, both parents still alive). While I've been doing this I've come to realise that I don't feel I really count (exist even) as a person in my own right, that unless I have someone to care for (DH, DC's that is) I feel in limbo, as if there is no purpose to my life and as if I don't deserve to be here on this earth.

It may sound daft, because I have always been this way I think, but it's only recently I have woken up to how deeply ingrained it is. I can't seem to find any motivation to do anything for me - e.g. I love to sew, knit, crochet, cook, but if there is no one to do it for, it seems a waste of time. My youngest DS (I have 4 DC's he is the only one still living at home) is likely to be moving out in the next year or two and I am scared witless that if I don't sort myself out, when he goes I will just wither and die (melodramatic but it's how I feel)

I have never had a good relationship with my birth family and that seems to be worsening. I am uncomfortable when in their company and feel I am being sidelined even more than I have been in the past. I visited my parents yesterday and was talking to them about my oldest DD who lives in USA. My sister walked in and started talking about her son and granddaughter and as always happens, the conversation I was having about my DD was just dropped. When I tried to join in the conversation, I was talked over, or just ignored. This is the norm though, my parents have never been interested in anything I have done, if I accomplish anything and tell them about it, I am boasting. if I talk about my children (all grown up now BTW) they try and top what I am saying with a tale about one of my nieces or nephews recent activities which is bigger/better/much more interesting. This is not done in a way that I can combat either, it is very hard to explain, but I know from experience if I try and call them on it, they say I am being silly, have misunderstood or am being jealous because I am not centre of attention. When my children were small if I asked my parents to babysit my DM's first response was always "why? where are you going?". If either of my sisters asked her to babysit her response was always "yes".

Probably because I have never had it, I inwardly crave their approval. I so badly want to hear them say "well done" for something (anything!) but I don't think I ever will., and I think this contributes to my lack of self worth. I feel I need validating all the time. I know it's not right, but I don't know what to do to change my mindset.

I don't have friends I can discuss this with. I always expect people to dislike me and never really fit in. It's lonely.

Don't really know what I am asking of you, but I would appreciate greatly any advice on how to move forward.

You're not alone. Have a look at the "But we took you to Stately Homes" threads where there is a lot of support for people with toxic parents / siblings etc.

Are you receiving any help like counselling / therapy? If not, might you consider getting some?

Is your DH supportive?

Hello OP,

Here is the stately homes thread

There are a lot of resources in the first few posts of the thread, and lots of good advice from those of us regulars with similar upbringings.

I'm sure some people wiser than I will be along soon to share their advice. But your sentence "This is not done in a way that I can combat either, it is very hard to explain, but I know from experience if I try and call them on it, they say I am being silly, have misunderstood or am being jealous because I am not centre of attention" particularly stood out to me. This is typical of toxic families, they minimise, distort, and blame the child who is the chosen scapegoat and idolise the "golden child" who can do no wrong.

On the Stately Homes thread there are links to various reading materials and it might help you to clarify your feelings and help you to realise that it's not you, it's them.

Thank you all very much....would it be best to get my post moved to the stately homes thread and if so how do I do it please?

Hi gbuk, you could highlight your post, copy it and paste into stately homes?

I'm sorry for all you have been through. I think having a neglectful and toxic family makes it much harder to heal from trauma. I understand why you feel like you do. It isn't true, nor is it daft - the way you have been treated has led to the self image you have, or lack thereof. We see ourselves in the way that is reflected back to us by our families and we think we are as we are treated, it's difficult and painful relearning this but not impossible. Your true self is in there somewhere and you can find it, however impossible that may sound now.

Therapy has helped me immensely. (Also a sexual abuse survivor from a toxic family.) I went into it thinking I was there to learn why I was so shit and how not to be so shit; instead I learned that I have worth and value. I also learned that sadly in some families one child becomes the target for all the shit, and carries all the pain.

You are not being silly. You are not any of what they say. I promise there are people on the stately home thread who get what it feels like - how crazy making it is, how hard it is to describe.

I'd recommend the books 'Inner Bonding' by Margaret Paul
and 'Codependent no more' Beattie

Also Homecoming by John Bradshaw

Thank you all again for the supportive posts and book recommendations. I have cpied and pasted my original post as you suggested.
peppermintcrayon. I'm sad for you that you have been in the same boat

Thanks gbuk. I feel sad for you too