Head or heart - not really a relationship query, more of a life one!

[eelingcity]

Not sure this is the exact right thread to go to, but it's a heart/head situation so may fall in the relationship category!

Myself and my DP lived together for 2 years in a place where we were extremely happy. Due to both of our jobs, we had to leave the area about a year ago and live apart. Our jobs essentially caused him to work overseas, and caused me to get into a profession that is very competitive - in terms of jobs and propsects, we are both very happy. The plan was (and still is) that when I finish my training next year, and when he is back here for good, we will properly settle down and move back to where we used to live together, as we both love it there so much. So far so good.

However, (and this is the pathetic part!), I genuinely have not got over moving from our home about a year ago. It's been tough in terms of living apart, but more than that, I genuinely feel heartbroken that I now live where I do, compared to where we were before (without outing myself, the two areas are very, very different). The lifestyle I have now is the complete opposite of what we had before, and I crave going back to where I feel is 'home,' so, so much. I think about our old home (rented) a lot...I have beevr felt that settled, content, happy on a daily basis before. I know a lot of that would be DP related and him being around, but more than that I felt a sense of personal content.

I have recently got the idea into my head that perhaps I could still move back there before next year. Granted, DP will still be working away and I will be doing it alone, but I feel I personally would feel 'at home' again. The issue is that I would be facing a huge commute with a lot of expense. My current job is about 2 hours fifteen minutes from where I want to move back to. I would either have to stay with family in the week or something similar.

My questions to MN are... Is it ever ok to just follow your heart like this, and would it be stupid not to? I've always, always followed things by the book and as a result, I look back on my twenties I think I gave up so much of my life to getting into this career (like most of us do - I'm under no illusions there). I have never felt so 'sure' about anything...I've always felt lost and confused and although generally happy, I've never felt settled. I really did feel settled in this place and I can't seem to move past the heartbreak of leaving a place I was so happy and content - is that crazy?

My DP would support whatever choice I made, although my may query the expense of this idea! Obviously he won't be around much so it wouldnt affect him day to day and he is planning on coming back to this place on his return, so my DP isn't really a problem here. I'm more seeking advice on what is wrong with me to feel this way and is it justified/normal and did anyone else every feel like this etc?

Thanks in advance x

I think it's normal to have a preference. But a daily commute of 4.5 hours is a bit ott don't you think?

Can't you keep job hunting for somewhere much closer?

It is possible to not settle somewhere. I have moved around a lot and I've left many areas without a backward glance tbh.

Thanks for your response!

Yes it is excessive, so I would have to stay elsewhere in the week ie with family.

I feel like there's something wrong with me for missing this place so much...it's never happened to me before and I can't seem to settle where I currently am as I constantly feel like my life is on hold until I can go back and build a life there again.

I am in the same situation. I live in the north, and stay in London during the week.
Cities are miserable unless you know people. No way I'd stay longer than I had to.

So no, not an unreasonable decision.

sevenatenine that is essentially the situation I am in. Although I can't leave the job right now, I know I could spend my weekends/build my life in the place I want to be, instead of permanently in a place where I feel I have absolutely no connection/life/desire to be.

But if I change it there will be added expense, and as everyone keeps reminding me, I still won't have the week there, it would only be weekens (seems better than nothing to me, though!).

Hmmmm. I speak as someone who struggles with this issue, and who feels that she is not living where she 'ought' to be in existential terms. However, that said, I have to wonder what the big rush is in your case.

The plan, you say, is to move back there next year - which will be a good moment to do so financially. We are now in May - so 2016 is only a few months away! Why make life more complicated and difficult by moving there ahead of the plan? I suppose I am particularly concerned because there's a pragmatic argument here - presumably if you are thinking of buying a place, money is quite important right now, and an additional expense could come at quite a bad time.

I understand that you feel 'out of place' now and that can feel desperately lonely, but I do wonder whether moving there alone, with an exhausting commute will actually help. It could actually ruin the happy memories you have! I would advise throwing your energy into making some temporary links where you are now - maybe on meetup or something.

I know at least two people who do this; they live somewhere wonderful and impractical and juggle commuting, or staying with family, and the odd holiday Inn when necessary.

It's expensive, but they maintain friendships and social activities at 'home'.

Can you afford it?
How much over the next 12 months this move would cost you?
What can you get instead if you saved this money.

Is it people - ie friends etc that you miss from the place you want to be? If so I would say go for it - have a social life to look forward to at weekends as I am sure you are lonely with you bf abroad. Even if hobbies environment at your desired place are the draw - go for it - work hard - play hard ESP whilst he is away - and you will have a head start getting settled for next year.