Does Guilt Ever Fade?

[tasha24x]

I have posted various threads over the months. I basically cheated on my partner a few years ago (no sex involved) but had feelings etc for the other guy, one day like a slap in the face i realised it wasnt reality etc and felt terrible cause I knew I had a nice partner at home & child. The day after I decided not to speak to this person again( I USED to work with them) I wasnt in the right frame of mind etc when it happened, we had a one year old & my partner was out alot etc & someone just caught me at a vunerable time.

Anyway, Last October I told my partner the truth as I felt it was the right thing to do & I could no longer live with the guilt and anxiety that always hovered over me. Since I have told him however I havent felt any better at all, if anything I feel worse as im always worrying that the slighest doubt in my mind etc about our relationship must be true.
Last night my partner decided to call it a day as I seem to not be able to forgive myself, I dont want to call it a day as I do love him but I worry tha the guilt will live with me whether im with him or whther im not. Im currently having councellor, even though i know it wasnt big what i did etc(compared to some other things people do) i always have the thought "it will never work & you will always feel like this for the rest of your life". Sometimes i get suicidal cause i cant deal with thinking this way forver. I am currenlty having councelling, im on 40mg citapram to calm the anxiety & im reading the "the good mood therapy" book which was recommended by someone on here, im also trying to join a course on mindfullness?

Just wanted some postivie advice...does it get better?

So sorry about what happened last night between you and your partner. I take it from your thread that he feels able to forgive you, either now or in the future ? Your main problem is that you cannot forgive yourself ?

Is it that you feel your actions were so out of character that you do not trust yourself anymore ? That you cannot trust yourself to do/feel/say the right thing in the future ? Maybe this is what you feel you are going to have to deal with, not the guilt of an emotional affair.

The fact you're taking so many steps to help yourself is great. Everything in life changes, no feeling stays the same forever. I can't imagine that you won't be able to move on from where you are now.

Yeah he had forgiven me & said it wasnt what I had did that that ruined the relationship but the way I am now etc. My actions were definetly out of character! I just feel that I may not feel or say the right thing in the future for sure, the slightest wrong feeling about the relationship I always feel I have to tell my partner etc, Im a chornic worrier which doesnt help so I obsess over everything.

I hope I do feel better in time, infact I pray!

You're being incredibly hard on yourself. If your dp can forgive you and hope to move on why can't you allow yourself just the chance that this can happen ? I know what it's like to worry and obsess over things. Could you talk to him and say could you set some time aside, maybe once a week, for you to discuss your worries with him ?

Despite what's happened you're both still responsible for making the relationship work, if that's what you both want. You don't have to play catch-up, and try to make amends every day for the rest of your life because of what's happened.

Do you worry that you became involved with this other person because you didn't feel as you thought you should for your dp ? Is this an underlying worry, that you love him but maybe he's not for you. Also, if you had a very young child, and he was often out, you have already identified two reasons why you were vulnerable to somebody else's attention. So in the circumstances it wasn't just completely random and out of character. You can actually see what was happening at that time in your life.

Even though I even know im being hard on myself I cant help it if that makes sense? When we get on good, its amazing, we're best friends too we laugh etc. But then sometimes it creeps up on me the feeling of guilt.

I think I became involved with this other person cause I wasnt right in myself etc, I was quite down but didnt realise it until now. Sometimes I do worry that I love him but hes not for me but only because I think its not right I liked someone else etc? Im hoping by trying mindfullness it may help with my 'thoughts' Its difficult sometimes to remember they are 'thoughts and not reality'. I have just suggested to him about maybe attending councelling with me?

I think what you're describing are ruminating and intrusive thoughts.

My dh had very serious depression brought on by feelings of guilt, and what I would describe as self loathing.

Ultimately your actions and mood while feeling this way have hurt your husband more than the event causing the guilt. This was similar to us. Frankly I had a foot out of the door.

You say that you are in counselling and have antidepressants. I think with time these should help. Once you have ended the counselling it may be worth having CBT to give you strategies to control the ruminating thoughts.

The only thing I can say is live in the moment. Try it. What's passes can't be changed. You cannot predict the future. Live in today. If you fail/slip up, its ok...you can try again tomorrow.

I can understand your partner, because ultimately this is about you and how you feel about yourself. He cannot love you better.

I think that you are probably unwell at the moment. The chances are good that if you engage with the treatment you will recover.

I wish you well.

I wish you well OP.
Be gentle on yourself. I can't give you much advice. I know my H is also tormented by his affair- but he is not depressed so as to be inactive. On the contrary. He works to provide us with financial comfort and he works hard to atone for his betrayal, he does not ask me to forgive him as he cant forgive himself. I hope he will be able to forgive himself.
I can't give you much advice just some suggestions (if you have some time):
1- voluntary works with kids in schools (reading with them- helping them organize their work- comforting them etc) ; on a one-to-one basis (by being the big sister or the aunty to a kid with disabilities or to a kid from a troubled background); helping teens at risk; voluntary work with old people who live on their own (just to go and visit them and have a cup of tea and some chat- about your affair for instance- might uplift them and they might even give you good advice and a good perspective on life.) Voluntary work is rewarding.
2- zumba/yoga classes
3 - music- a lot of good music- some gigs with him/on your own/with friends
4- meeting friends (or even having dates with him) in coffees/bars/clubs/parks etc
5- books: go to a reading club if you like reading
Oh! they are devastating the affairs, are not they? good luck dear!

My H is not depressed. He is very busy. He is just sad - you feel it every so often. But he is not depressed. He also focusses on making me/us (me+kids) feel OK. He also try to help others (at work etc). So really voluntary work can uplift your mind. Turn the affair into the source of goodness and give something to people around you (yourself and your H and your family neighbor and the community you live in etc). I hope the AD pills + CBT (if you get some) will help you.
I said that the affairs are devastating because no-one is a winner in the triangle: O/W + Betrayer+ Betrayed. They are all getting deeply hurt before they rebuild themselves.
My heart is with you dear!

I do think your feelings are entirely out of proportion. It sounds like guilt has got to such huge proportions that it is the third person in your relationship : you are having an affair with guilt. It is taking up all your time and head/heart space.

Try and see guilt as a separate entity to you ie it is not YOU but currently attached to you like a limpet. You don't have to take it seriously, particularly as it is currently way out of kilter.

I suspect your very out of character dalliance was the first strong indication that things were starting to get out of balance? The subsequent guilt seems more of the same; an extension of that initial straying ie out of character.

The anxiety, currently manifesting as guilt, is probably at the core if this. I'm not a healthcare professional but I wonder if you would currently benefit from a higher dose of anti-anxiety meds.

It'll be a while before you can effectively address anxiety that has run out of control like this but have hope, the day will come. In the meantime, go easy with yourself and accept you are currently not well. You aren't the first, won't be the last, plenty of us out here. When you're through this you'll know - and like! - yourself much better. It is the prize at the end - and we certainly deserve a reward

Best wishes OP.

This is from another thread:

""If you have behaved badly, repent, make what amends you can and address yourself to the task of behaving better next time. On no account brood over your wrongdoing. Rolling in the muck is not the best way of getting clean.”