Protecting my cub

[pinkpaws]

I have two children one with ASD Which i have come to realize my DH also has this was a shock is say the least. DH will not really admit this or talk about it. The problem is he thinks is never wrong will never say sorry or accept that his actions affect others. He really got VERY VERY cross with our 11 year old daughter yesterday when she was behaving very badly. But his reaction was over the top and scared her. When i told him this he just told me it had shut her up. When i pointed out he had scared her he said " sometimes its good to be scared". I took her out of the house for the day waited for him to go to work. I HATE him what should i do.

You have my sympathies. It might be worth it to repost this on the sn board.
I have 2 children on the spectrum and have realised that both dh and I are probably also somewhere there too. It is very hard to parent well when you are also dealing with asd, however that doesn't mean not trying.
When our first was diagnosed it was a difficult but what helped us was speaking to professionals about how it is for a child with asd, we did this over several sessions and during this time dh realised the similarities between dc and himself growing up. We has a lot of support during the diagnosis process also re. Positive parenting. It's never ok to intentionally (or unintentionally) scare a child. That has to be a firm line that shouldn't be crossed.
We have talked about the parts of parenting we enjoy and the parts we find hard. Both of us look out for each other and try to take over if we see the other starting to not cope. We both need time out from the everyday stresses and try to make it possible for each other to have a break from the children on a daily basis. We also are much better at admitting to ourselves and each other when we have not dealt with something well and make a point of talking about it and apologising to the child in question when necessary.
However it has taken us time to get to this stage. I think you need to assess where you are and whether it will possible for your dh to change and adapt, if he can't or won't, the only option is to separate perhaps.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

If your DH has never been properly assessed to see if he is on the ASD spectrum you cannot assume that he is at all on the spectrum. Your assessment of this man may equally be wrong and he is simply throwing his weight around in your home because he can and feels entitled to do so. His behaviour towards you all regardless is unacceptable and your children come first, not him.

Has he ever accepted that one of his two children is autistic?. If not, then why?. He cannot afford himself the luxury of denial and doing that also does you no favours because you carry the can. Does he treat his two children differently?. Has he got a "favourite"?.

What is he like towards others in the outside world and your family; is he all sweetness and light to them?.