anyone's husband gone, come back and things have worked out?

[Feee]

Husband left in January out of the blue (though with hindsight communication had obviously broken down a bit and with 3 small children and too much work not much fun was being had) - he moved round the corner and has had an apparently un-serious relationship with someone-else for the last few weeks - out of a need for companionship he says - he's now on for very slowly seeing if we can give things another go. I love him and he's the father of my children, but he's told a lot of lies and caused un-told pain. Any-one been in this situation and things have worked out in the end? Or am I wasting my time thinking there's any hope of being able to move on? We're saying at this stage let's try and spend some time together and see if we can just have some fun again. Then go to Relate or some kind of counselling. How easily one can move on from something like this though I just don't know. Any thoughts?

Oh Feee.I would give ANYHING to be in that situation.Unfortunately mine isn't coming back.If you love him then follow your heart.There is too much to lose.If it doesn't work then at least you can both say you gave it your best shot. He's the father of your children and you love him.No brainer isn't it???I know I'm coming from a slightly unusual perspective though

I don't have personal experience, but I think the fun has to come AFTER the Relate stuff. I think you have to talk about what happened, he has to be properly sorry and determined no to do it again - and NOT have girlfriends!! And I can't help but think expecting to have fun right away is a bit of a tall order and might put you under more pressure.

Feee, I was wondering what was happening with you. Not personal experience, but i have supported my Mum as dad had a long on-off-lots-of-boken-promises-and-lies type affair, then moved out for 8 months. They are now back together, and have a happy, good marriage, as they did before all the trouble started. It is true I have noticed that my Mum will no longer make my father the centre of her whole universe and being - but i think that's no bad thing - it was a more old fashioned marriage before, now she is more independent.
I think if your instinct and drive is that you want to make it work, that is the best starting point. But I agree with Aloha, that some hard work, especially by him, has to happen before you will be able to trust him again, or that you can both feel that you can reclaim your lod communication. Mum and dad didn't do counselling (not their generation), but Mum did make commit herself back in stages.
Feee, I do hope it works for you. I bet he was messing around sooner than 'for the last 3 weeks' - sorry, but there had to be a whisper of that in the moving out, didn't there? Just don't let him leave any dark corners unilluminated to haunt you and undermine your trust as you move forward.

Feee, I've been thinking about you too.

Please please be careful. Aloha is spot on. And I'm not clear about what he means by 'a need for companionship'. Does he mean he can't 'cope' with being alone? And if so, what does that say about him wanting to be with you?

Personally I think he should grovel, a lot, and take ALL responsibility for 'fun', in the form of lots of attention and thinking of nice things for both of you. And I am not, for once, joking. He put you through hell. You are doing him the most amazing, gracious favour in even contemplating taking him back (I know you love him, and I'm sure I'd probably do the same, but all the same it's YOU doing HIM the favour, not the other way round).

Take care.

Thanks guys. Spook - it's like you say - I have to give it my best shot - the way he left so unexpectedly meant I felt I never had a chance. I'm good at cracking on and maybe there were more issues than I realised - I'm also aware he's in large part an arse - but at least if we give it another go I get to decide what I want just a bit - not just feel that he's made all the decisions for me. And maybe things won't work out - but I guess if that's the end result now at least I'll have been involved in the decision-making. The fact remains that in the last 3 months the pain hasn't got any less at all - I'd do anything to resolve things if possible. So here goes...

PS - motherinferior - the need for companionship thing I can sort of understand 'cos he's not really got any mates. He needed some-one to go out with occasionally he told me - but it was never anything serious. I know he's lied about her - but I haven't worked out yet whether it was actually more serious than he claims, or whether she ultimately rejected him. For various reasons I'm fairly sure nothing was going on between them before he left - but I'm well on my guard - don't worry. She was older than him with 3 kids and as his problem with life is accepting responsibility and behaving like an adult I do know the relationship was never going to go anywhere in the long run. In fact if it wasn't so bloody awful I would have laughed. Now I just need to establish if he wants to try again for the right reasons. Dubious.

Good luck sweetie. x

yes, wishing you lots of luck. You've got to try it, as you say. You love the man and this way if it doesn't work out, you will have given it your best shot.

You seem to know this other woman well and are sure no long term relationship was on the cards. But I think you are right to be on your guard, especially as I take it your dh won't be living with you, so you have to trust he's not straying. That's a hell of lot to ask of you after all you've been through. What a test of your love. Never feel you owe it to him right now to trust him completely. It's something that's going to take lots of time.

A friend of mine took back her husband after he left her for 'space'. He was also seeing another woman. He chose to end the relationship with the woman (apparently they were arguing a lot) and came back to her. She took him back quite willingly all things considered. She did this because, so she told me, she just couldn't see how the other relationship would have worked. She knew the woman concerned. But several months later, her dh got restless again, moved out and started seeing someone from work. In some ways, the patten was set - he had done it once and had come back to willing arms, so he did it again. The second relationship fizzled out like the first and much against everyone's advice, she took him back, but got very angry with him and it took years to build up trust. They stayed together, so a happy ending eventually.