Need some advice/persective

[HFarnsworth]

Hi all, I'm after some advice and some perspective on how to go forward.

I'm married with two young DCs, I work FT and my DP works PT. Because we live in quite a remote place we don't have easy access to childcare. So I use up all my holidays taking a day off during the week to look after the children. I haven't had an extended break (ie, longer than a couple of days) for years now. My DP doesn't acknowledge that this is a problem, but continues to hold onto holidays and takes them all to get a five week break.

I feel very drained at the moment. The last few years have been quite difficult and I have ended up in counselling and was diagnosed with depression six months ago, for which I take medication - one of my parents died very suddenly shortly before our second child was born, work has been extremely difficult, I have had to change jobs to avoid a pay cut, as a result of which I am on the same wage but with much more responsibility, and have had to leave a job where I had a number of good friends and had been there for years. We have also had some money concerns, other family deaths and illnesses which have been very worrying.

I just think a short break from work (not even on holiday, just to be home)and an acknowledgement that life has been very tough to manage isn't a huge amount to ask. AIBU?

Is your DP the father of the children?

If so, he needs to stop hoarding his holidays like this and stat using them to help with the child care. It is equally his responsibility as a parent.

I'd also be interested in your relationship with your DP. Is as selfish in other areas as he is with the holidays? Does he do any childcare, or a fair share of household duties?

I agree! He's treating you like free childcare, not as an equal partner.

I say sit him down an explain your point of view, then let him know that:

1. From now on he gives up an equal number of ad hoc days and you have equal numbers of proper holiday. No negotiation. No 'oh but you're pt.'

Or

1. He uses part of his wages to arrange childcare.

That may mean childcare near his work, which should be doable.

You can't carry on like this. How can he not see this is totally selfish of him?! Does he pull equal weight around the house?

My DP has the children three days a week, and works for two. On one of these days I stay home, using my leave time, and on the other day a family member helps us. The weekends are pretty crazy too cos that's when I do stuff like the ironing, fixing stuff around the house (we live in a bit of a tumbledown) and I do most of the cooking then, too (we split laundry and my DP does the cleaning). So I'm usually ending the weekend more drained than I started it.

I don't have many pals, and most of my closest friends were at the job I have just left, so I feel very alone and taken for granted.

Your DP (male or female?) works PT while you work FT, correct? What does your DP do with his/her five weeks' holiday? Travel or stay home?

You need to have a talk with your DP and explain how you feel and that you need a break.

Would the GP help? Maybe sign you off for a week or so to get a break if you told GP that you were not coping?

Could you make contact with some of your old work colleagues and do a meet up?

What about something radical - moving to a refurbed house even if smaller - we did this from a rambling, do-er upper that sapped all our energy. Everyone was so much happier, even though 2 DC had to share. Think about little ways in which you could make life easier? (I do no ironing)

So really your DP only looks after the children on his own 1 day a week? And what does he do with his holidays?

Oh no, sorry I think I mis read. You look after them on one of his working days and a family member on the other? Can you afford any paid childcare?

That's right, I work full-time, but use holidays to stay home one day a week for childcare. My DP works PT, two days a week, so it is one of those days I cover and the other is covered by a family member while we are both at work. My DP uses holidays to do stuff about the house, catch up with friends, etc.

I've discussed this with the GP, and I was offered the option of time signed off, but I didn't take it up because I was worried about how I would be seen within the office (especially now that I am in a new job). I have been on antidepressants now for about six months but am considering asking for a higher dose.

Sorry, I know this seems really trivial, and sometimes I just shrug and write if off as part of having a young family, but other times I get very resentful. The last time I had a proper break from work was compassionate leave after the death of a parent.

Couples should be a team. You should both use an equal amount of your holidays to cover this. He's watched you become depressed etc. and hasn't offered? I'd tell him in no uncertain terms that this is how its going to be.

Can you pay for childcare on the day you look after children?

Not really - because we live in such a remote place there isn't much available that we could access.