Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Family in shock - secret half siblings

21 replies

glove84 · 04/05/2015 08:11

Hi, don't normally post on things like this but just found out that my dad has been having an affair for over 20 years and I have a half brother who's 18, and a possible 2 other half siblings. I immediately went into physical shock (unable to stop shaking) and cannot believe this is happening. I have so many questions that, really only my dad can answer. My parents are still 'together' living in the same house at the moment so this needs to be handled with extreme caution. I'm just looking for support for anyone who has been through anything like this. I know this situation is so new and will probably get worse before it gets better. I feel a mixture of things, all of which I think are Normal; feel so bad for my mum, total shock, disbelief, head gonna explode from questions, need answers, sickness, vertigo, curiosity, sadness, like the past 20 years have been a lie, can't believe my dad had it in it too (Gallows humour as he has 4 children with my mum)

I'm not averse to meeting my siblings it's not their fault they came into the world this way, but at this point that's a long way off if it happens at all.

Has anyone been through anything similar?

Thanks all

OP posts:

Fatstacks · 04/05/2015 08:18

No advice but it must be a world shaker

Radiatorvalves · 04/05/2015 08:25

Does your mum know?

I wouldn't rush any decisions at this time.

After my mother died, I found out I had 2 half siblings who had been adopted when they were babies. I was desperate to meet them, and subsequently met one. I have nothing in common with him although he's met the wider family which is fine, and he gets on well with them.

ragged · 04/05/2015 08:34

How did it come out, OP? What is your dad saying?

DragonWithAGirlTattoo · 04/05/2015 08:37

wow - before we comment, i think we need to know a bit more - mainly does everyone know? if not, who does/doesnt as that will make a huge difference in the way you handle this xx

Weebirdie · 04/05/2015 08:51

Yes, me, and Ive written about it here.

Within a space of 18 months I was contacted by 3 half siblings all born to different mothers during my parents marriage which I now know ended after my mum found out.

Two of my half siblings are only 3 months apart in age and my other half sibling is only about 6 months younger than my sister.

I also now know there are twin boys who are in their early 60's now born to me dad with someone he met whilst doing his national service. They were adopted out of the family but I hope track them down.

As for how have things panned out with my new siblings? I love them but one is an alcoholic who I cannot have in my life anymore due to how impossible it makes things. My other sister, the one who started the search, dropped out of things apart from the occasional email because she just couldn't come to terms with the reality if it all and just how sordid it was. She is the one who is only 3 months younger than our brother. My brother - is a brother in every sense of the word and I adore him, We are as close as its possible to be and as are our families.

I hope you find a way forward from what has undoubtedly been a very big shock.

ALaughAMinute · 04/05/2015 08:53

I remember my dad telling me I'd got a half sibling somewhere. He told me approx ten years ago that I have an adult half brother but that's all he would tell me. I've often wondered where he is and if we look alike etc. Unfortunately my dad passed away a couple of years ago now so I can't ask him any more questions. I have no idea if my mum knew or not but she knew he had lots of affairs. I found it very upsetting at the time and sometimes think I'd have been better off not knowing.

I think you need to be very careful about how your mum would react to you meeting your half siblings though, it must be very hard for her.

The only advice I can give you is to keep a cool head on your shoulders and do all you can to support your poor mum.

Rainicorn · 04/05/2015 08:53

Oh Op, what a shock for you.

I met my biological dad when I was 30 and found out I had 6 half siblings. I've met half of them, don't have much in common with them but we do try stay in contact. It is a bit weird tbh and if I'm truthful, a little strained.

Weebirdie · 04/05/2015 09:01

I just came back to add that my mum died a long time ago but I know she would never have stopped me meeting my siblings and having a life with them because thats the kind of person she was.

I also know how it is from the other side of things as the wife of someone who didn't cover themselves in glory.

saturnsarah · 04/05/2015 09:07

I found out I had surprise half siblings - my Dad was a dreadful womaniser!

I have a fantastic relationship with them. One in particular I am probably closer to than my "full" siblings.

It's very early days for you, and I do remember shaking the first time I picked up the phone and said "Hello, my name is Sarah and I think I am your sister." but I am sooooo glad to have them in my life now.

Take it really slowly, give yourself time to absorb the news. Try to see it as a blessing rather than a curse.

Best of luck.

Weebirdie · 04/05/2015 09:10

Try to see it as a blessing rather than a curse.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Original poster

glove84 · 04/05/2015 09:44

Thanks all for the support- its all so new to me that I'm sure given time I can process and Find a way to rationalise the situation/my new normality.

Good to hear everyone's experience- really appreciate all advice.

My mum actually told me and my sister together over the phone. She has known for a long time but chose to stay with my dad so that we had a stable upbringing. She said she always knew she Would tell us when the time was right. Not that there is a perfect time for a conversation/bombshell like this!

I called the free counselling service we have through work- they were really good.

Definitely feel like I've been hit by a bus or something! Maybe a tornado.....!

I will be drinking lots of tea the next few days I think!

OP posts:

Original poster

glove84 · 04/05/2015 09:48

My dads not saying much - he's just shut down. Guess that's to be expected- he probably didn't expect it to come out given how long he's kept it a secret.

I am prepared to give him time to deal with what he needs to say to us.

I want him in my life - he's my dad after all and at the moment (this may change!!), cutting him out seems more abnormal than having to deal with all this.

I need to ride the storm! ??

OP posts:

ragged · 04/05/2015 10:42

I'd be asking my mom for a long chat. She needs support, too.

Fairenuff · 04/05/2015 10:51

OP your dad sounds like a coward. Sorry but he should be stepping up now and answering all your questions.

As your mum is prepared to talk I would have a long chat with her, let her pour it all out and support each other as you come to terms with this. Possibly reassure her that it's ok for her to leave him if that's what she wants to do.

Original poster

glove84 · 04/05/2015 10:53

What does OP mean?! Sorry new to this!

OP posts:

Justusemyname · 04/05/2015 10:55

Your dad doesn't get to chose to shut down. He owes your mother a full explanation.

I have half siblings. Same father. No contact. Their dad's wife doesn't like it.

Meerka · 04/05/2015 11:02

glove what a shock ...

it's an upheaval in your life, but maybe less because of the half-sibs than because your father isn't the person you thought he was. A lot of coming to terms with this sort of thing is realising that the Daddy you thought you had is only part of the whole person, and there's entire different sides to him ... and that he is capable of a great deal of deceit and of irresponsibility and abandonment of his other children.

Harsh perhaps, but true. Give yourself time, as others have said. Talk about it with your partner / close friend. Make a lot of [coffee] :)

Regarding your half siblings this is really tricky because do they know you exist? if they do, it's going to be easier. If they don't, it'll be a shock.

If you do want to meet them, the best thing you can do is send a recorded letter (recorded so that it doesnt get thrown in the bin as spam!) and lay out the situation in a short way. One option could be something like "hello, this is a tricky letter to write but my name is XXX and I believe we may be very closely related through [father's name]. I would like to talk more if you feel comfortable with that. if you like, please contact me" Maybe include some personal details like your age, if you have children etc. Bit formal perhaps but being a bit cagy gives them room to take it in and leaves the ball in their court.

How they respond might vary a lot. Some might be really pleased to find a half sister. Others might not be interested. It might also depend on how your father treated their mother when he moved on. He's left a lot of damage in his wake.

(I have personal experience of this too).

ragged · 04/05/2015 11:09

OP = original post or opening poster = i.e., you. Coz we're too thick to remember your talk name. ;-)

What do your full sibling(s) think or feel?

Original poster

glove84 · 04/05/2015 11:24

Really appreciate all your comments! Thank you so much.

My brother and sister are just in total shock as well and want answers!

No idea if the secret siblings know about us- another question for my dad...

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 04/05/2015 12:43

Your poor mum has probably been through hell over this so don't expect your dad to provide you what you need emotionally. Men like this tend to be selfish and more likely to run away from difficult situations than deal with them. You may never get the answers you're looking for.

Adarajames · 04/05/2015 13:10

My Mum found out she had half siblings relatively recently, her Dad disappeared when she was about 18 and no one heard from him again. My aunt was doing a family tree and found these half siblings, and turned out he'd had a whole second life when he left, including another family, but had given the new child the same name as the first!! That was almost more weird, but when we met the Half siblings (he father having died some time ago), and got over that weirdness factor, all got on rather well and now involve them in family events; half siblings were really emtional and touched by their welcome, so sometimes happier endings are possible

Flip