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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dh has started smoking again

12 replies

HoggleHoggle · 04/05/2015 07:30

I've found out dh has started smoking again. I really, really hate smoking. But I get it's a hard habit to break etc, although I'm angry and upset he has been keeping it a secret.

Ds was just playing with DH's bag and I saw him playing with a packet of cigarettes. Am also annoyed about this, ds is only 16 months so they should at the least be kept somewhere he can't bloody reach.

This makes sense of a few things now...not least dh going mad if I went into one of his pockets to find something I knew was in there (our ds's dummy for instance). It also makes me think he's been smoking while out with ds. This pisses me right off.

I know it's DH's decision and life if he wants to smoke but I don't like being lied to. I've mentioned a few times over the last months that I can smell smoke but he's always said it must be someone else. I know it might not seem like a big deal in the scheme of things but he's been lying to my face.

OP posts:

Joysmum · 04/05/2015 07:37

I went through this with DH over 20 years ago. We both quit smoking and I felt like such an idiot because I was telling everyone how proud I was of him. I was the last know he'd started again and felt like a complete idiot. He did eventually quit again but it rocked my trust in him that he's lie, rather than spoil my view of him. I've always said I hate liars and that affected our relationship far more than if he'd just admitted he found it hard.

Original poster

HoggleHoggle · 04/05/2015 07:39

I agree. My mum married a liar (my dad!) and I didn't want to make the same fucking mistake. I obviously wouldn't have liked him smoking again but there's no shame in it. He should have just told me!

OP posts:

YaTalkinToMe · 04/05/2015 07:45

Once when I started smoking again I lied about it, this is the only thing I have lied about in my relationship and have been truthful about much bigger things. It was about me and my feelings about starting again.

Nolim · 04/05/2015 07:47

Have you confronted him op?

Ouchbloodyouch · 04/05/2015 07:52

I'm kind of a little sympathetic towards your husband yet I totally get where you are coming from. My boyfriend denied he smoked yet I could smell it! I was so pissed off thinking exactly the same what else can you lie about...however I cast my mind back 5 years or so I dated someone for six months and it was me who was the secret smoker ! . I had also told him I didn't smoke. I didn't get caught as I didn't ever put myself in a situation where it would have been likely (not smoking on the days we met or sneaking off for one. They stink!) However despite my many faults I am not by nature a deceitful person and I class my integrity as one of my qualities.
Its just that smoking is 'out there' as an absolute dealbreaker so I didn't want to admit to it and I didn't want to be a smoker. Was desperate to quit so I thought well I don't want to break the deal as it were for an addiction/habit that I fully intended to stop (I did).
However anyone could have said 'well if she lies about that..' but I am not (apart from that ONE dirty issue) by nature a dishonest person.

Original poster

HoggleHoggle · 04/05/2015 07:58

ouch I have a degree of sympathy with him too. He's working hard and ds is an early riser so we're both shattered. I just hate the lying, it's not who I thought he was.

nolim no I haven't, don't want to have the conversation in front of ds. I was just a planning on asking him how long he's been smoking for and go from there.

ya, I think there is some of that going on here.

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 04/05/2015 08:39

Stop harassing him to quit and he won't lie to you.

Yes it is wrong to lie but when wives stick the boot in over smoking they go off and do it in secret. A regular issue on these forums.

I don't care if I get flamed.

Joysmum · 04/05/2015 08:47

I didn't harass my DH to quit Quitelikely. It was when we were just starting to live together and couldn't afford to anymore.

The lying wasn't because of harassment, but because he didn't want to taint my view of him.

Interesting that you think the reason for lying is because of harassment despite this having been presented as the reason in our case before you posted.

Cherryapple1 · 04/05/2015 08:51

I made this discovery once. I found the lying was what upset me the most as opposed to the starting smoking again. And this is not about harassing someone Quitelikely - this is about a spouse being dishonest.

Original poster

HoggleHoggle · 04/05/2015 12:27

quite I don't harass him, he is not a teenager that I must parent. He quit 7 years ago of his own volition, although he was aware I didn't like it. It is only mentioned between us now if I remark he stinks of smoke, I'm not giving him the full inquisition every 5 minutes.

My stomach dropped when I saw the cigarettes this morning because I actually hadn't suspected anything. I consider him very honest and so no harassment has been required.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 04/05/2015 12:36

Tell him that you found DS eating a cigarette, and you haven't a bloody clue where they came from.

backtowork2015 · 05/05/2015 12:48

that might do the trick, he'd be horrified wouldn't he. once you've shamed him try to let it go, encourage him to quit again, he's done it once and he can do it again. if you get angry then he'll only get more secretive and maybe feel more resistant to quitting.

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