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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think I'm not my Dad's daughter

19 replies

ShadowsCollideCantLogInToMN · 04/05/2015 02:23

So, I know that both my folks have had affairs. I overheard my Mum and Dad years ago, having an argument, during which my Dad said 'well she's not my daughter, and I wouldn't be surprised if you and him down the road had a few more kids'. My Dad struggles with me. If he's pissed off with my Mum, he's pissed off with me. Sometimes he looks at me with pure loathing. Usually when he's pissed with my Mum.

Meanwhile, the bloke that my Mum allegedly had an affair with (a family friend) adores me. Every time I see him he gives me a huge hug and tells me how much he loves me, how proud he is of me, how wonderful he thinks I am.

I adore my Dad. I think he is amazing. But I'm really starting to doubt that he is my birth Dad. It's hard to explain, but.sometimes he looks at me with such hatred. I'm at a loss

OP posts:

sugarlips2015 · 04/05/2015 02:26

That's really sad. Have you spoken to your parents about this?

Lweji · 04/05/2015 02:28

What do you want from the thread?

If you want to know for sure, talk to them and get DNA tests done.
Nobody else can answer it for you.

Original poster

ShadowsCollideCantLogInToMN · 04/05/2015 02:38

Lweji, all.I want from this thread is, I guess, some chat and understanding.Of course, DNA tests are the answer. I'm just not there yet. It's a weird and shitty situation

OP posts:

Lweji · 04/05/2015 02:43

How would knowing for sure change your life?
For the better, for the worst?
If you were your father's child, do you think he would love you? Did he have those looks before you heard that conversation, or only after? Did you sense something was off before it?

Aussiebean · 04/05/2015 02:46

There is a difference between a dad and a biological father.

I say that based on my own husbands biological father who didn't last two years before giving up completely and walking out. And I compare him to my husbands dad, who is a wonderful loving supportive father.

You need to decide if you want to know for 100% sure, and what effect that will have once you do.

sugarlips2015 · 04/05/2015 03:17

Perhaps some counselling would help before you address this issue with a dna test if you decide to do that. Help you think through a strategy to deal with your emotions and the consequences before hand.

Joysmum · 04/05/2015 03:17

Do you know your blood groups?

Quitelikely · 04/05/2015 09:30

Think carefully before opening this can of worms.

Do you have siblings or are you an only child?

In my eyes the man who raised you is your father.

What could be achieved by finding out if he isn't?

catsrus · 04/05/2015 09:36

If your dad was acting like a loving dad then I would go with what previous posters have said and leave it. But loving dads don't look at their daughters with hatred . Can you have a honest talk with your mother about this or is that not possible? Can you have an honest talk with the family friend? He seems to be the one person in this who is behaving in a loving and supportive way to you.

sandgrown · 04/05/2015 09:39

Shadows. I was brought up by a man with whom I had little in common. He was not unkind but I sometimes felt he resented me. We did not look alike at all and I guessed he was not my father. I had it confirmed by a relative when I was 14 but mum did not want to talk about my real dad. Mum has since died and I have never been able to trace him. Not sure how you will broach the subject though . It's very difficult but to anyone who wonders why do it? it is like a piece of a jigsaw puzzle that is missing. Good Luck x

magoria · 04/05/2015 09:40

He's not that much of a father to look at the child he is bringing up with pure loathing and to be pissed and take his bad moods with her mother out on her.

Try talking on the stately homes thread.

If you get DNA tests how would that make you feel? Would you like a relationship with the nicer guy down the road?

dratsea · 04/05/2015 11:56

And who is Harry's dad?

GatoradeMeBitch · 04/05/2015 12:14

Really dratsea? That's your contribution? If you google pictures of young Prince Philip you'll see Harry is pretty much the spitting image of him, but with the Spencer red hair.

Now that's cleared up, OP you really should talk to your parents about this. I wouldn't worry about protecting your DF. If he treats you badly he's not protecting you. For all you know a DNA test could prove you are his, and then he'd know he treated you badly for no reason. Or maybe you are the neighbours kid, and then you can work on building a relationship with him! I would speak to both, your DM may fob you off in private, but maybe your DF wants a resolution to this as much as you do? You don't need your DM's permission to get your DNA tested.

GoatsDoRoam · 04/05/2015 12:35

I am really sorry you are going through this, Shadows. It sounds like the three main adult figures in your life have been engaged in deception towards you. That's got to hurt. It's really not your fault, it's their own weaknesses at play here, but it must feel dreadfully disorienting for you.

Since they've been engaged in this deception for so long, they're unlikely to warmly and maturely respond if you confront them. So that would be a difficult path to tread, when your emotions are already in turmoil about such an important issue for you. It may still be a path worth taking, though, if you feel it would leave you feeling worse NOT to get to the bottom of this.

Only you can judge, or choose what path you want to take.

One thing I'd like to stress, though, is that you are not responsible for your father's resentment: his feelings are his to manage, and taking them out on a child in his care is not ok. While he may well resent you, and have reasons, he is responsible for his own feelings, and he also had the choice to handle things differently, if he wanted to.

You sound very bright and level-headed, and that will stand you in good stead. Good luck.

Taghain · 04/05/2015 16:26

You also need to consider the effect on the bloke-down-the-road's family. Will your knowledge pass to his wife and/or children to cause ructions? He would be under no obligation to provide a DNA sample for you, either. Asking for it might open a can of worms.
I'd start by asking your mum when you have some time together, although it won't be an easy conversation. Only she knows for sure who she had sex with around the time of your conception.
Be aware of consequences: your dad might suspect but not know for sure, and confirmation either way will alter his relationship with you.

tribpot · 04/05/2015 16:34

I think I would ask your mum straight out. You could be losing out on a closer relationship with the family friend in order to save the feelings of someone who doesn't seem to mind looking at you like he hates you.

Lubberlubber · 04/05/2015 16:56

This happened to a friend of mine.

A family member let slip the secret after a lifetime of just "knowing" her "dad" didn't love her the same as her sister and the inevitable mind fuck and inferiority complex that entailed.

It was a turbulent time for all involved but luckily all of the relationships have come out relatively intact. Her relationship with her dad is actually better. He still gave her away at her wedding. She understands him better and to him it was like a weight has lifted and they do love each other very much. He is still her father and she chose not to pursue a relationship with her biological one. (He's not actually a very nice man!)

She has had a lot of counselling. But a lot of her issues growing up have been resolved. She says it's like she has been able tidy everything in it's rightful place. It's not all perfect but learning who she is and where she has come from has brought her a peace that she never really understood was missing.

I think everybody deserves to know where they are from who they belong to.

Forget the man down the road and the impact on his family, don't worry about how your parents will react. If you want to find out the truth do
It for you.

Everybody deserves to know where they are from who they belong to, particularly if the people trying to hide the truth from you (presumably all telling themselves they are doing it for you and not for their own ends) are not doing a brilliant job in keeping up the charade.

I wish you all the best

Lurgano · 04/05/2015 17:07

I think that you have every right to investigate and know the truth once and for all -- for emotional reasons as well as health (inherited conditions etc). Your Mother should look to support you - but as others have said maybe pre DNA testing counselling would be the best first step

Lubbers story is inspiring - it might settle a lot of issues for all 4 of you.

Do you think your Mother will cooperate? Do you have anyone in RL who you can talk to?

Meerka · 09/05/2015 19:54

Shadows, every sympathy.

Do you have any siblings? Does your father look at them with the same hatred sometimes?

How is he with other people? does this hatred surface there too in any form? does he take out his anger at one person on others too? What I'm getting at is, are you the only person he looks at like this? if you are, then it could be significant. If he looks at other people like that or takes out his anger on others then well, you may just have a father who isn't always that nice.

If you really are unsure if your Dad is your Dad, it's a really difficult one. On one hand it's really hard living with a worm of uncertainty to the end of your life. But equally sometimes some dogs are best left sleeping .....

Do you like the family friend? how would you feel if he did turn out to be your bio. dad?

To my mind the person who brings you up is your parent. Certainly the parent in your heart, the parent of your childhood, the one you love. Having said that the blood link with a bio. parent is there for some people. If the parent-in-your-heart turns into a sod who inflicts a lot of hurt, then the bio. parent can be someone to turn to even though they will never be the same as the parent-of-your-childhood.

If your Dad didn't look at you with hatred sometimes, then I'd give slightly different advice here. But since he does, I think very cautiously you need to consider getting a DNA test done but possibly not until you have left home. If you discover that you aren't his daughter it is a gigantic upheaval that will stay with you life long, and it could make living there very hard.

I've asked a lot of questions mostly to get you thinking about how you would handle either result, and also how you will handle the uncertainty if you choose not to get a test. Some people can live with it, some can't. Whatever you choose, I'd suggest taking a few hairs from your Dad's hairbrush and secreting them for future in case you do decide to go for a test.

Wishing you the best and peace; and that whatever the situation turns out to be, your Dad gets a grip and stops looking at you like that. He shouldn't. It isn't right.

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