Please help, I am a mess

[CammyWasOnce]

Hello and thank to anyone who manages to read this. I need a bit of help with my life because I have come to a place of feeling desperate for love and acceptance and I need some help finding the old Cammy and becoming normal again.

I’m mid thirties and I have a beautiful child, my own business (two actually),plenty of friends and a loving family. I have always been a popular and happy person and have led a brilliant life and achieved many things. I am quite attractive and get asked out by men a lot but I think my sense of self worth is completely lacking.

My XH was an exceptionally kind, loving man, devoted stepfather. I saw him as my absolute best friend, soulmate and saw us about as happily married (or maybe that phrase is an understatement!). One day he turned around just as we were getting into bed and told me that he hadn’t loved me for years but had just been staying for my sake, and was leaving me.......like he was saying he needed a dentist appointment he was so cold and detached.

When I got upset, he became very angry and unrecognisable as if I disgusted him. He spat his words at me and started telling me how awful I was and all the things about me he hated. None of those were things he had ever mentioned before, and worse some were thing she had told me he loved about me so I felt just so confused I didn't really feel liek any of it was real.

After he left he was just completely cold to me, no goodbye hug, no tears from him or any sense of compassion. He acted like he was celebrating. I asked him why he told me constantly how much he loved me and what a wonderful wife if that was al not true and he just got more angry if I asked questions.

I was so confused and completely shocked I found myself begging him and promising to change and that I would do or be whatever he wnated if he would please not do this. I wish I had told him to f**k off, but I felt absolutely desperate and in no way fought back on any level.

After he moved out, he took away all financial support and I did not fight back at all. I had just started my second business and I ended up really penniless for a while and it was so hard with DS and everything. He did not want to ever see my DS again (he had raised him from a baby) so I just had so much to deal with on so many levels.

Worse than that I suppose, while I was so devastated and barely able to live, he went around on a PR campaign and told mutual friends and his family lots of lies about why he had done it. He went and cried to THEM to say how unhappy he had been, how hard he had tried and how I had refused to compromise an inch. Like me, everyone thought he was a wonderful person, so i was scapegoated at a time I had no strength to fight back. He made it look like we had a bad marriage and I found lots of support I needed most evaporated quickly.

I was on tranquilisers for a while, and in therapy for two years and I did manage to cope but being honest all I really feel is a sense of disbelief. I hardly remember him now, can't picture him and feel like there is a 8 year gap in my memory.

This happened 2.5 years ago and I am now divorced. I grew my new business, got me and DS out own place to live. My real problem is that I seem to be a bit unhinged when it comes to men.

Before this happened to me, I was very good at picking men, was very confident and had equal and happy relationships. If a man was mean to me or showed any characteristics or behavior I found unappealing, I walked away.

Nowadays I am finding myself basically being unhinged when it comes to men. that manifests in all sorts of diferrent ways. For example:

1. Dumping them for no reason if things are going well
2. Testing hem constantly by pushing them away to see what they will do
3. Stalking them to check if they are being truthful.
4. Thinking I am in relationships or in love with people I barely know
5. Forming attraction to men beneath me, who I don't even respect
6. Putting up with horrible treatment, which I react to by grovelling and begging making me a prime target for abusers and idiots.

This morning the one I am dating texted me to say I looked like a whore on my FB profile pic. this is the sort of man I am hanging around with, and yet I am a very attractive, educated woman who USED to have a backbone.

I don't know who I have become.

I have lost track of what I want and what I deserve and I have no idea what a ice man is anymore or how to tell the diferrence.

Worst out of anything is that these obsessions with each man I date take over my life...and when they behave badly or something happens I can't think about work, and don't see my friends.

I did take 18 months on my own after this and it didn't help. I have heaps of counselling. Read all the books, all the websites and am in a support group for abandoned spouses. I have done all the things I am supposed to do and I know "time" is meant to heal me but I feel like it's not.

I feel just as confused and lost and worthless as I did 2.5 years ago and I KNOW until I no longer feel this way I can't have a normal relationship, and I very much miss loving and being loved and would love to be able to get control of this and date with some self respect.

The best way to describe it is that I pick the first one who pays me any attention and then I become desperate.

Please help me.

Sorry, just reading that back and sorry for all the typos.

Also wanted to be as honest as possible because I can't talk to anyone in real life about the extent of this, but when I say I "stalk" them I mean I literally stalk them. If they do something (like add a new female friend on Facebook) I will literally spend days stalking them both, finding out who she is and all that. Checking when they both post and all sort of madness that stops me leading a normal life. I basically feel like if I can just catch them in their lie I can protect myself, but then if I do catch them in a lie, I am too scared to say anything so just grovel more to make them like me the most.

It's awful and I hate myself.

Hi
Sorry that you have had a crappy time as it sounds like its really damaged your confidence. You dont mention any recent friendships but talk about your bad relationships. Maybe you should concentrate on finding some like minded friends instead of worrying about men. Friends who support you might help you feel more confident to make better love choices. Maybe if you can find time, try a new hobby/club where you can meet people on the same wavelength.
Also, stop beating yourself up about the past. Even if you did do things wrong in your marriage & subsequent relationships, you can not change that now so try to concentrate on the future & the positives it could hold.

Would it be too unrealistic to just stop dating for a while and avoid this issue completely. I appreciate you may be lonely, but these relationships aren't helping you and they aren't making you feel better. I know it's a cliche, but you really won't find the right person for you until you are confident in yourself and right now it seems like these relationships are quite unhealthy and having a negative effect on you.

Hi thanks for replying.

I really do have great friends and plenty of of things to do, but this has become a compulsion for me. The feeling that I absolutely "need" a man and for him to be perfect and love me perfectly because that and only that can make things okay again.

Before I was married, I was single lot of times and always happily so I know this is a result of all this. I know what i need to do, but can't seem to do it.

I also have a problem with seeking male attention. At any given time I have 10 or so men texting me or asking me out and I seek their attention, dress for it, flirt and do anything I can because I feel a need for that. It's all very sad and humiliating and I just want to feel whole enough to stop being so pathetic.

I would suggest you try read intimate connections by David Burns. You can get a free copy on the scribd app if you have a smartphone or tablet. It helped me a lot when I had issues with relationships.

Thank you Helen, I'll try that out

I'd suggest therapy instead of counselling. There's a better chance it'll unearth the deep stuff that screws up your life.
Can you take a break from dating or at least see it as fun? Easier said than done I know. Is it the buzz/excitement you're addicted to? Think about what you get out of it.
Talk to friends and keep reflecting. You'll sort it out.

I really don't know. I have always enjoyed sexual attention, I admit have always been flirty but at the same time if I thought someone was a knob I never cared what they thought of me or anything, whereas now if some cheating abusive idiot criticises me I am a complete doormat.

Maybe the only answer here is to completely ban all dating and emotional contact with men but I need to feel like I am taking steps to resolve this in the meantime and have no idea what they are.

I was normal once, I promise.

Definitely think that ongoing therapy or counselling is needed OP. It will help you to understand this compulsive behaviour and eventually to find ways to manage it. For the time being could you set a rule to limit your 'dating' e.g. only real life dating, no internet stuff? I happen to think the whole web/ text side to dating now (did all my dating pre internet!) makes it to easy for it to pervade into your life. Try to limit it, e.g contact with only one man at a time.

Made me sad to read all that. I too think therapy and not counselling is the way forward.

Whereabouts are you? I could recommend someone in London.

Thanks very much both of you. I am in London.

Writing this all out has been very therapeutic. I find it hard to cry lately (cried enough for 18 months) and I really had a good cry writing all this out because I don't even admit it to myself. I lie to myself in my own head to make it all ok.

I think writing it out was good. A good therapist would be good actually. A new one, as I feel I covered a lot of different stuff with the old one. She helped me with the trauma side of it (nightmares, panic attacks, night terrors and being unabl to get out of bed) and I do feel physically healthy and able to cope now. What I need i suppose is diferrent help, moving forward as a healthy person.

I think as I wrote this that what I am doing with these men is reliving it.

If they are nice to me, I dump them because they must be lying. If they are bastards, I suck up to them so they will love me, choose me, prove to me that I am worth it and I think this is me believing if I can do that, make that happen then maybe it will make p for the the fact that I could not stop my husband from doing that.

I want to be someone I am proud of, someone who I'd respect and I am not that right now. No wonder these men treat me as worthless becaue I act it.

I'm not surprised you're struggling. Your ex was cruel and you're bound to doubt your own judgement. Anyone would

You sound very confused and sad. But by posting here you've already started to find a way forward. You seem to be seeking validation for who you are through men and the more men the better you feel, but this is just surface happiness because at the same time you also feel desperate and sad.

I don't realky know what to suggest to help you. It may help to take a step back from everything, sometime alone, learning to be with yourself and taking pleasure in that. It takes inner strength to do this thou, i'm not sure if your ready for this yet?

I don't remember how if I am honest. The only time I feel "happy" is when someone is telling me I am amazing or wonderful (even if they are full of it or trying to get me into bed or whatever).

I used to be fine just as I was so I remember what it felt like and this doesn't feel like that.

I am scared of the quiet moments, when there's no silence for me. I always have to be doing something. Typing, writing, going out, jogging. I find it hard to read books or watch films or do anything reflective.

I think I am avoiding?

What you have described there with your ExH is hellish, crazy-making behaviour. You had a horrendous shock/trauma and it is no wonder you are struggling. That you are functioning now is a good reflection of your strength. You have some insight into what you are doing. I agree it is a really good time for therapy. Best of luck to you x

Hi op

Being afraid of the silence and being on your own, is when your true feelings and thoughts come to the front of your mind. You sound like your doing everything possible to ignore these and push them away.

Your in a vicious cycle of re enacting the ending of your relationship, sometimes your trying to prove how strong and how you don't take any shit, hence dumping the nice ones. Then you role over and play meek for the abusers, that's the self punishment bit coming out.

I wonder how deep and honest you went with the therapist, I also wonder if your post on here is the first time you've been able to truly say all this out loud?

All of this behaviour needs unpicking bit by bit, and this includes being alone with your thoughts, it's hug to be tough going but so is your life at the moment so it seems. Also remember your son is picking up on a lot of this from you too.

Thank you very, very much.

Your in a vicious cycle of re enacting the ending of your relationship this is exactly it. I am playing a cycle...it is always the same.

We meet and start off things very well (I'm quite good at that part and always get a second and third date) and then the same pattern. A few great times, great talks, things going well and I can see he likes me very much.

Then I go cold on them, act unreasonable, accuse them of something ridiculous, become needy. And I am testing..."will they still like me?" and of course at the start of a relationship no sane man is going to want to stay...so those ones run for the hills clearly terrified and the dick heads are the ones that stick around.

Generally they are thinking "she's nuts, but I'd still like to sleep with her", and the treat me as such, I then do exactly what you say, which is take their bad behavior and tell myself it is all I deserve, and actually hear those words going round my head. The meaner they are, the more desperate for their affection I become. It's horrible really and my friends are despairing of me.

I have met a few nice men. A few are sticking around, being my friend and funnily these are the people I share most with because they have seen it in action. They keep telling me what a lovely woman I am, and that it was not my fault but I feel it was. If I was better my husband would not have done this to me.

I was very honest with the therapist in my trauma phase, and it helped me a lot but I am not honest with anyone now fully. My stalking is a complete secret, and it takes up a lot of my time. Deep down I know I am looking for why my husband left me, why he didn't care about me at all, why he did this to me.

It's very hard to be honest about these things because I am ashamed. I am generally thought of as a strong woman and people always tell me that so I am good at putting on a front. Even with the men I come across at first as sassy and in control.

Yes, I am scared of the thoughts that come in the silence. I miss my husband, but can't really picture him or remember him and it feels scary. I feel very confused about who he was and how I didn't know.

Hi

I think you have been brutally honest about how you feel and that takes a lot of courage. I wonder how it feels to be alone at the moment with these thoughts, but in the knowledge that actually there's a lot of us out here listening and seeing your honesty.

Part of the reason you cannot picture your ex or bring him clearly in to your mind, is that your mind/brain chooses not to allow you to go there. Because it is so painful to deal with it chooses to bury the memories so deep that they are hard to bring to the surface. What you are left with are the unbearable echoes of what happened and are acting out some kind of continuing drama that never has a conclusion. You dumping the good guys, because you don't deserve them, and trying to keep the abusers because you think you deserve them.

The bottom line is lovely you are never going to find the answer you seek, and if you did get some kind of an answer would it be good enough for you? Would you believe it.

How about he was a deeply floored man who chose to treat you in the most cruel way, and gave no thought to how his words and actions would devastate and change your life? That as a person he sounds inadequate, but for some reason he has managed to make you his scape goat.

May I suggest you find your anger shine that torch towards him and stop standing in that light yourself, when you start seeing him as the floored human being he was, you can begin to break the cycle.

I'd say you are traumatised. No wonder. What happened was horrific. Nightmare material. A deeply personal strike - conclusive, over and over. It is astonishing you are still standing tbf.

It may not seem like it to you but these are early days after such an immense strike. Go easy on yourself, it will take time to heal from this.

In the meantime I would suggest you stop dating. Your behaviour is very disordered and out of control around men - not surprising; pouring out of your significant wounds. The time really will come when those wounds begin to heal and you will be ready to perhaps dip your toe into dating. But imo that time is not now.

I would like to state that what happened couldn't have been to do with you. Behaviour like that has to be all about him because it was so outlandish, so cruel. Obviously I don't know him but imo behaviour like this says everything about him and very little about you. This can't have been about you.

So chin up, you will heal from this. You're not there yet but you will get there. You show a lovely clarity, honesty and intelligence. You need to cherish your dear self and yes that probably means sensitive and knowledgeable professional support.

You have done so well, I hope you can see that

Than you guilty it feels really good actually that someone is listening to these deepest thoughts I haven't even been able to express to myself until today.

I sank so low today, texting lingerie photos to a complete twat who I know has lied to me and is seeing someone else. I was the scum of the scum when I did that and just felt like I had reached rock bottom. I so badly want to delete that man's number and treat myself as worth something but for whatever reason it's so hard. At the same time, perfectly lovely men are texting me asking me out and I am not attracted to them. I only feel the attraction to the scumbag?! It's frustrating to be putting myself through this.

You're right there is no answer that ever brings me comfort. You're right on really everything you say. You're right that logically the blame is on him but it's so complicated to shine that torch at him, when he was the person I have probably loved and trusted more than any other person in my life. the way the mind works is...if HE says I was bad, I must be. It's so deep it's almost subconscious and so hard to escape from. you are right though, and until I do that I am doomed to live this endless cycle of abusing myself.

Thank you springy your most was really supportive and made me feel so validated for being such a mess. I now you are right, and dating in my state is pointless.

Can't help feeling like I need someone to fill that void though. people keep telling me no one can do that but me, I just don't really understand how.

What strook me most from your op was that you need closure in order to "move on" and that may never happen unfortunately so you need to think of all the positive things in your life( lots by the sound of it!) And just be "you" again.
You've possibly lost a lot of your identity as you've been through this horrendous ordeal and I think you need to focus on what it is that you really want and yes, be a bit picky, you deserve to be.
Be kind to yourself:)

Sorry should say struck:)

Yes, I have lost my identity. My identity was being an amazing wife, which I worked so hard to be and was told I was and he took that away from me and left me confused over why.

I am just going to write here, not expecting anyone to read this drivel but it is helping me feel better and it's about my husband and trying to remember.

Thing was I fundamentally believed I was an amazing wife and he felt lucky because he said that. I'm quite observant and dunno how I never knew we had a problem.

I worked hard at being a good wife because I loved him so much. I mean, I did stuff every day to try and make him have a good day. I just really loved him, like felt so lucky and that always felt completely mutual.

We never argued really at all. We laughed a lot and told each other everything and our house was always sunshine and fun. We liked the same people and shared the same views on life I thought.

Some of this is random, but..

I work up an early every day to make him a great lunch, and I don't mean a sandwich, I mean a great lunch!
I got on great with his family and friends and we both had our own interests
We had date night every week
We had sex 4 - 5 times a week and kissed and cuddled a lot every night
He used to come into the bathroom when I was in the bath at night and play with my boobs and chat about his day
He brought be chocolate every time I was due on and flowers if anyone was mean to me and a cup of tea in the morning
He was always there to listen to me, and told me I was the best person he knew
He kissed me as soon as he got in from work every day and I was always happy to see him
We never went to bed cross
I woke up every day with him wrapped around me and he always groaned and tried to get me to say in bed longer
In the car, his hand always reached over and squeezed my thigh and made a happy noise
He said when I walked into the room I lit it up, and he never got tired of seeing me do that

Silly little things, but our life was like that, and it is hard now to get any sense of closure over why or how or any of those questions that have no answer

What scares me most is the fear that if he could do this, anyone could. That I will never be "safe" again or feel that sense of trust and safety with someone or in my own life.

Sorry for going on a bit, it is helping to talk it over and when I talk I do remember him and how much I loved him. I want to have that again with someone else one day I do know that

Without really knowing any of your background op I can't really make a judgement about your levels of confidence and self esteem are. My best guess would be there might be some issues from childhood, because it is unusual that you have chosen such a self destructive path and are unable to give yourself a break.

It would probably be in your interest to call a halt to all contact with any men at the moment. Pull up the drawbridge and make a plan for just you and your family kids etc.

The energy your expending on others is more useful turned on to you, you said that part of what you do the stalking is a secret. When something is a secret it holds power over us and becomes self perpetuating. Think of your present pain as a boil, it's full of poison and toxins it needs to be lanced and allowed to heal, right now you've got a scab that's always being picked and left to bleed.

Part of the honesty you've shown on here means also being honest with yourself and admitting that you have issues that need help. Once you can accept that then you've already started to move forward, there's a saying you have to be able to love yourself , because how else are you going to show others how to as well.

Cammy if you can, would you be able to list anything negative about him?

My dh is fab but

He eats to loud and that makes me stabby, seriously he slurped potatoe salad this avo.

He leaves his stuff all over the place, if the place was a tip he wouldn't notice it. I love him to bits but he isnt on a pedestal and neither would he want to be.